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At the time, Carlson says, he was asleep in bed with his wife – and four dogs.
I have an alternate theory about those claw marks...
I watched that video, and had he just stuck to being suddenly awake and having claw marks I would have thought there was something odd. But he led with having four dogs in the bed, so when he said he had claw marks...dear lord, he's either trying too hard to play to some niche audience, or he's really that stupid. At least make the story sound plausible...we know you can lie, why didn't you just leave off some details here to sell it better.
Ever since he got kicked off Fox, he's been making the pivot to the hard right audience, which includes the narrative that they're in a spiritual war against the literal devil.
It's the same conspiracy-laden bullshit that Alex Jones pushes.
It's Jon Stewart's fault. Tucker never recovered from that jab about the bow tie.
And he never wore a bow tie after that. Lol.
If anything, Tucker needs another sit-down with Jon
Yeah, if I were married to Tucker Carlson I'd be pretty messed up too.
We know his wife didn't leave them in the throes of passion, that's for sure
Tucker Carlson and JD Vance had rough normal gay guy sex and he's getting ahead of any story and saying it was demon assault.
I can also take part in conspiracies
Tucker made the mistake of dressing up as a couch for Halloween.
He was asking for it!
It's why JD Vance's pimp handlers slather him in makeup and eyeliner to keep Tucker interested in MAGA. All funded from the top down by Elon Musk who eats babies in a failed and desperate attempt to stay young.
How to explain away the signs of rough gay sex to your wife.
How to explain away the signs of rough ~~gay~~ beastial sex to your wife.
FTFY
Hey, Christians who believe in demonic possession: How come it's only y'all getting possessed and not my heathen, atheist ass who literally invites the demons in?
Your atheist ass is inviting people in you say?
"I got attacked while I was asleep with my wife and four dogs and mauled, physically mauled." ... "I have no idea what happened."
lol
This is the level of critical thinking that conservative pundits are exercising.
People are saying it's the dogs, but given that it's Tucker Carlson I think it's far more likely that he's just flat out lying.
Sounds like he assaulted someone and that news is about to come out. He is preempting that.
You're telling me this is a real story like in a real news source?
JFC
It's probably your own demons Fucker. They've had enough of your bullshit.
Jesus Buttfucking Christ these people are nuts.
If this is true, what did he do to deserve this. This doesn't just happen to a good god fearing person. So I guess the real question is, what did he do to deserve this.
This doesn't just happen to a good god fearing person. Why would this happen if he DIDN'T deserve this. Clearly he lost favor with the good lord and has opened himself up to the devil to be possessed by a demon.
As someone who was raised in a very evangelical household: the (non)-answer is that it happened to him in order to tempt him or test him or some shit. If it happens to a non-god-fearing individual, it's deserved, otherwise it's God's plan all along. Because moving the goal posts is just way too easy.
The real answer is Tucker Carlson is either actually insane or hardcore grifting, but I'm probably preaching to the choir here going down that rabbit hole lol.
I see he's taking a page from Alex Jones's bible.
Anyway, what are the chances that someone's going to come forward that Carlson assaulted them and they fought back? Just asking questions.
But, man, you're never going to get any truth from us. We'll tell you anything you want to hear; we lie like hell. We'll tell you that, uh, Kojak always gets the killer, or that nobody ever gets cancer at Archie Bunker's house, and no matter how much trouble the hero is in, don't worry, just look at your watch; at the end of the hour he's going to win. We'll tell you any shit you want to hear. We deal in illusions, man! None of it is true! But you people sit there, day after day, night after night, all ages, colors, creeds... We're all you know. You're beginning to believe the illusions we're spinning here. You're beginning to think that the tube is reality, and that your own lives are unreal. You do whatever the tube tells you! You dress like the tube, you eat like the tube, you raise your children like the tube, you even think like the tube! This is mass madness, you maniacs! In God's name, you people are the real thing! WE are the illusion! So turn off your television sets. Turn them off now. Turn them off right now. Turn them off and leave them off! Turn them off right in the middle of the sentence I'm speaking to you now! TURN THEM OFF... [collapses in a prophetic swoon as the audience erupts in thunderous applause]
Howard Beale, Network (1976)
Too bad it didn't kill him
He’s such a cunt. Fuck that guy.
I bet he tried to fuck one of those dogs and this is his excuse. "Oh no honey I didn't try to fuck the dog again...it was...democr...no wait...demons...yeah it was a demon gang bang and I beat them off."
Ah shit that's unfortunate. Better luck next time, demon.
sleep paralysis combined with he sleeps with dogs and they have nails. next.
"I swear, babe! I didn't cheat! It was a demon!"
He should keep that between him and his woman. He doesn't need to lie to us. 🤷♂️
I can't believe this isn't an onion article.
Weirdo. Through and through.
tl;dr: Comrade Carlson doesn't think he's getting enough attention lately.
The idea that a demon (or even better, Satan himself) would waste their time scratching random people or possessing them just to make them float over their bed or vomit pea soup has always been amusing to me. That's a super weak "ultimate evil" your religion has, Christians.