Ask Lemmy

A duck walks into a bar wearing one shoe. The bartender says "hey buddy, you lost a shoe" and the duck says "nah, I found one!"

• What’s brown and sticky?
• A stick

An underage weasel walks into a bar and the bartender says "sorry, I can't serve you alcohol, you're too young". The weasel replies that's ok, I'll drink something else. The bartender says "well I have water, soda pop, and cranberry juice, what'll it be?"

"Pop!" goes the weasel

How do think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

I called the wrong number today. I said 'Hello, is Joey there?'

A woman answered and she said 'Yes he is.'

And I said ‘Can I speak to him please?’

She said ‘No, he can’t talk right now, he’s only two months old.'

I said 'Alright, I’ll wait

I'm sorry for spamming Steven Wright jokes. I'll stop now

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

I asked my North Korean friend how things are back at home.

He said he can't complain.

What do you call an elephant that can only be accessed remotely?

Telephant

Yes, I'm a dad, how did you know?

The dumbest joke I know is a knock knock Joke and goes like this. You first have to make the person you're telling the joke to start saying "knock knock", then you you say, "who's there?".

Proceed to watch the other person confused about what to do next 😅

Why did the farmer win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender says: "Did you know you have a steering belt attached to your crotch?" The pirate answers: "Yarr, it be driving me nuts!"

I broke a mirror in my house, and you’re supposed to get seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I dipped my balls in glitter.

Pretty nuts, right?

what's red and smells like blue paint?

red paint.

I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.

Timing.

What is the most important aspect to remember when telling a joke?

An English breakfast has up to 9 ingredients, an American breakfast as many as 10, but in France 1 egg is enough.

Brian and Bob were walking through the forest when they came across a set of tracks.

"Those are cougar tracks!" Bob exclaimed.

"Hell, no! Those are coyote tracks." Brain said.

"I'm tellin' you, I've been out in these woods since I was little, and those are cougar tracks!"

"There's no cougars in this part of the country. Those are coyote tracks!"

Then they both got hit by a train.

Why does snoop dogg carry an umbrella?

For drizzle

Why couldn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippie?

He was too far out, man.

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

If it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work

Skeleton walks into a bar Can I have a pint and a mop

Why did the orchestra get struck by lightning?

It was because they had an excellent conductor.

Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?

Because he had no body to go with!

Two guys walk into a bar. The third guys asked them if they are ok?

I wrote a book. I have the page numbers done, and now I just have to fill in the rest. I wrote a song too, but I can’t read music, so I don’t know what it is.

If a threesome is with three people, and a foursome is with four, then i think i get why they call you handsome...

What's long and brown and sticky?

A stick.

What's brown, and rhymes with "Snoop?"

Dr. Dre.

Why does Snoop carry an umbrella?

For drizzle, m'nizzle.

How does Helen Keller know when she's done wiping?

Taste test.

I've got tons of this shit for when we've got downtime at work.

So I was laying in bed with my girlfriend reading the secondhand diary that I bought… ‘I don't remember this.’

When my passwords are insecure, I offer them a few encouraging words.

I see. It's all coming back to me now... Said the blind man. to his deaf son. pissing in the wind.

I was Caesarean born. Can’t really tell.. Although, whenever I leave a house I go through the window.

Bob and Doug are building a fence.

Bob is throwing away half the nails.

Doug asks "Why are you throwing away the nails.

Bob replies "The heads are on the wrong end"

Doug shakes his head and says "Stupid, use those nails on the other side of the fence"

Why did the surgeon hate performing toe amputations?

...he was lack-toes intolerant.

Me: Mind if I ask you a question?

Random person: Sure.

Me: Great, can I ask another?

One more, I'm sorry.

I've been making wine at home but I make it out of raisins so it'll be aged automatically.

What do you get when you pull the wings off of a fly?

A walk.

What's the most common type of owl in the UK?

The Teat-owl

'Twas the Night of the King's Castration: the last of the Royal Balls was coming off. All the counts, discounts and no-'ccounts were sitting around the throne room slinging camel-shit, for in those days, bull-shit was not yet heard of.

A noise was heard in the courtyard and in came Daniel on his gallant white steed, with his balls slung over his shoulder. "What ho!" cried the King. "Ass-hole!" replied Daniel, thus scoring an early point for the common people.

At this, the Queen dashed madly through the court with her drawers at half-mast, and her ass shining like a looking-glass in the moonlight.

Hilarious now, the King offered Daniel the post of second-in-command. "But what of the Queen?" asked Daniel. "Oh, fuck the Queen!" replied the King, and 50,000 loyal courtiers were killed in the rush, for in those days the King's word was law, and the King ruled with an iron hand.

Upon seeing such mass slaughter, the King in exasperation exclaimed, "Oh, shit!"; and all 50,000 remaining loyal courtiers dropped their drawers and squatted on their haunches and strained and grunted in unison, for in those days the King's word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.

"Stop!" cried the Queen, thinking of the royal carpet. The King called "Halt!" and 49,999 loyal butt-holes snapped shut with a stately click, and 49,999 glistening turds were nipped, gently steaming in the morning air, all save for that of Daniel, who proceeded to lay one two cubits wide by one cubit high by three cubits long.

The King was sore affronted, and ordered Daniel thrown into the lions' den for three days and three nights, for in those days the King's word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.

And here was Daniel, in the midst of all those roaring, snarling beasts

but of course, you could easily recognize Daniel by the large green parasol that he always carried.

On the first day, the Queen came unto Daniel and Daniel said, "Oh Queen, I am in need of some tea!" and the Queen asked, "What manner of tea?" Daniel replied, "C-U-N-T!" And the Queen departed.

On the second day the Queen came unto Daniel and Daniel said, "Oh Queen, I am in need of some pills!" and the Queen asked, "What manner of pills?" Daniel replied, "NIP-PILLS!" And the Queen departed.

Again on the third day, the King came unto Daniel, but it had come to pass that on the morning of the third day, Daniel had shat a great shit, and the lions were sore affronted. Almost all of them had thenceforth kept their distance from Daniel. But one of the lions took a liking to Daniel's left nut, and began to munch upon it. "Oh, it tickles, it tickles!" cried Daniel. "What tickles?" asked the King. "TES-TICKLES!" roared Daniel, thereby scoring another point for the common people. Upon hearing this, all the ladies in the courtyard took out their tits and tittered.

Then the lion crouched as if to spring, but instead laid a big turd. This amused the King, and he ordered Daniel to come forth, but Daniel slipped on the lion's turd and came fifth, thus utterly losing the race. This angered Daniel so greatly that he picked up the lion turd and, with menacing accuracy, hurled it at random. Random, being a crafty little bugger, ducked, and the turd hit the King full in the eye.

Now, this made the King exceedingly angry, whereupon he inquired, "Where's the Queen?" "Milord, she is on the Royal Crapper." "And is she well-supplied with paper?" "Milord, she has forty reams of the finest linen." "It is good," said the King. "And where's the Princess?" "Oh, she's upstairs in bed with laryngitis." "Not that fucking Greek again!" cried Daniel.

This amused the King and he spake, "Oh, fuck the Princess!" and another 40,000 loyal courtiers were trampled to death in the rush, for in those days the King's word was law, and the King ruled with an iron hand, and besides, the Princess was a comely wench. This made the King exceeding angry, but the Queen only said, "Well, I'll be fucked!"

more in hope than in indignation. But nobody moved, save a solitary senile seneschal, quietly masturbating in a corner into a silver teaspoon, and Daniel, who, taking her at her word, grabbed the Queen by her butt-cheeks and slipped her onto his dick like a well-worn jackboot.

Later in the evening the King entered the Royal Boudoir and beheld the Queen lying on the bed, clad only in Nature's attire. "Roll over, Queen!" ordered the King. "I'll be fucked if I will!" shouted the Queen. "You will at that," observed the King, "but you'll be corn-holed if you won't!" Hearing this, the Queen shat a gold brick, for in those days a square ass-hole was a symbol of royalty.

When the King saw this, he cried, "Balls!"; not because he had to, but because he had two. And the Queen replied, "Balls!? If I had two, I could be King!"

Whereupon the King, having partaken of over-ripe olives, hied himself to the innermost part of his kingdom and proceeded to shit buttermilk for three days, and thereafter was forever known as King Dairy-Ass, throughout the world.

Blaming Daniel for his digestive discomfort the King sentenced Daniel to wander in the wilderness for forty days and forty nights, for in those days the King's word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.

And so it came to pass that Daniel wandered in the wilderness for many a long day and many a long night. But in the evening of his thirteenth day in the wilderness, Daniel was set upon by bandits! Not, as you might at first surmise, ordinary bandits, but Mexican bandits. Nor, as you might at second surmise, ordinary Mexican bandits, but Mexican bum-bandits, who debagged him, scragged him, and shagged him, and left him with his pockets jingling, and his ass-hole tingling.

Months went by before the Queen came unto Daniel. "Oh Daniel, I am heavy with child. What steps are to be taken?" "Fuckin' big ones!" replied Daniel as he vanished over the Southern horizon.