this post was submitted on 26 Apr 2024
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I have gas from eating lots of bread, which is not unusual, but for some reason today's farts hurt my ass.

They're not those super hot farts, they're just really... pressurized? They come out loud and proud and it feels kinda violent. Any ideas?

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[–] [email protected] 102 points 6 months ago (1 children)

This place is the wish.com /r/askreddit

[–] thorbot 40 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) (2 children)

Bro modern r/askreddit is the wish version. You been there lately? It’s just AI bot spam asking the same dumbass questions that have gotten the most engagement in the past. All of Reddit has devolved to bullshit low effort questions by bots. Like almost every subreddit is just “what’s the XYZ about this ABC related to this sub?!?” It’s fucking awful there now

[–] [email protected] 25 points 6 months ago (1 children)

"What's the sexiest sex you've ever sexed?"

"What's the spookiest thing you've ever seen in Utah?"

[–] thorbot 10 points 6 months ago

These are both actually lifted word for word from recent posts there

[–] RGB3x3 16 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) (1 children)

Even for years, r/askreddit was drowned in annoying sexual questions like "what would you do if you became the opposite sex" or "what should men/women know about women/men"

It got so repetitive.

[–] thorbot 9 points 6 months ago

It’s that, but on every sub. It’s pretty insane. And then tons of comments that are THE EXACT SAME COMMENTS I always see for that question. It’s literally just bots talking to bots

[–] [email protected] 63 points 6 months ago (2 children)

Have you tried spreading cheek a bit, to see if you can whistle?

[–] RedditWanderer 29 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) (1 children)

When i have too many tacos i can play the clarinet

[–] frankenswine 9 points 6 months ago

but usually you just take it?

[–] [email protected] 2 points 6 months ago

Thank you Doctor.

[–] thorbot 44 points 6 months ago (1 children)

You should probably not eat so much bread. You may have a gluten intolerance. See if you can blow up a balloon with the next one.

[–] [email protected] 17 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Break out a kazoo for extra points!

[–] Maalus 4 points 6 months ago

He could play the harmonica while reciting poetry

[–] morphballganon 42 points 6 months ago (2 children)
  1. Take a long hot shower and wash the area well

  2. Try to cut down on dairy for the near future

  3. Lie down in the sexy open-shirt Jeff Goldblum from Jurassic Park pose when a fart is approaching

[–] Klear 36 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Life... *brutal fart noises* ...finds a way.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 6 months ago

In my mind I inserted the Reverb Fart sound effect and it was hilarious.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Get that chest hair caressed by wind!

[–] meekah 5 points 6 months ago

Your own wind even

[–] [email protected] 34 points 6 months ago (1 children)

If you had a stomach ache and had a poo with stomach acid in it (eg diarrhea), the acid can irritate your ring and make farts hurt.

[–] garbagebagel 5 points 6 months ago (1 children)

This sounds made up but I want to believe it and will do no further research into the matter. Mystery solved.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 6 months ago

My asshole would to assure you it's not made up and does in fact really hurt.

[–] [email protected] 27 points 6 months ago

Your asshole is slamming shut like a screen door in a windstorm?

[–] [email protected] 24 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago)

The problem's your ass.

Being serious, I'm not sure how you eat enough bread to cause this unless you have some sort of stomach-related-issue or gluten intolerance or something. Unless you just eat way too much bread and then mix it with something that it reacts with?

[–] I_Fart_Glitter 18 points 6 months ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 34 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Probably anal fission. When he splits his crack, a lot of energy is released.

[–] Rhynoplaz 6 points 6 months ago

No to be confused with anal fusion, which is when your ass cheeks clap together.

[–] [email protected] 16 points 6 months ago

When that happens with me it usually is the first sign of a hemorrhoid flare-up.

[–] [email protected] 12 points 6 months ago

Chainsaw farts, great for itching your hole with a fart.

[–] surewhynotlem 12 points 6 months ago

have gas from eating lots of bread, which is not unusual,

Yeah it is. Unless you know you have a specific medical condition?

[–] [email protected] 11 points 6 months ago
[–] [email protected] 11 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Happens to me when I eat nothing but beef jerky like I did yesterday. Just woke up like ten minutes ago with a fat man locked and loaded, had to lift my leg to make sure the ordnance cleared the fuselage.

Maybe it's digested fat? Idk I'm no nutritionist

[–] SatansMaggotyCumFart 6 points 6 months ago

You’re a motherfucking modern poet.

I’d buy a book if you wrote it.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 6 months ago (1 children)

My sympathies. Earlier this week I made dinner with an Impossible Meat brick that was a single day past the labelled expiration. I had some unexpected GI issues that I've attributed to that and I really felt terrible after, like I'd strained my pooper or something. Been farting like a cow ever since. I keep apologizing to my wife. Fuck knows why or how she puts up with me.

[–] JackFrostNCola 3 points 6 months ago (1 children)

"best before date" or "expiry date"? Because if it was expiry date i think you need to look into food(& medicine) safety

[–] [email protected] 1 points 6 months ago

Thank you, Doctor.

[–] mechoman444 9 points 6 months ago

Start an only fans make money.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 6 months ago (1 children)

I do believe it's a bread problem. Now you can either fix that, or you can start loosening your asshole.

Sounds like a joke, but I fart a lot and they've become way more quiet after I've started using dildos. I'm gay, but you don't have to be to enjoy anal.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 6 months ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 9 points 6 months ago

you heard me.