I think you're not going to want to hear this, but it's not your monkey, not your circus. Tell the friend that keeps complaining that you'd prefer that they take it up with the other co-worker because you don't have a problem with it. Also, that you don't really want to listen to it. You're going to have to have a backbone here because your co-worker is the one with the problem, not you.
this post was submitted on 14 Dec 2023
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I think you're not going to want to hear this, but it's not your monkey, not your circus
No, but it is frustrating to be in the middle of it when they used to both get along and it was a nice place to be every day. It's especially shitty because I looked forward to seeing them every.day.
Telling the "hardworking" one that I don't want to hear about it any more is a decent idea. Honestly I hadn't thought about it. I'll have to remember to do that the next time she complains.
Unfortunately it still won't help with the issue of the tension in the room when they are together. I don't know how to force myself to be happy in a lonely corner by myself and ignore that part. Would appreciate some thoughts on that if you had any.
When you take yourself out of the equation, I'd put money on them working it out. You guys are in bad habits.
Edit: Sorry, didn't see this part:
Unfortunately it still won’t help with the issue of the tension in the room when they are together.
That tension is them not getting along, you're going to have to decide to get along with them individually and make it light when you're with each other one on one. It's not the 3 of you if one of you isn't into that, it's 2 of you at a time.
I also think that you can't bring back the old times, hopefully they decide to do that. But if they don't, you have to have a back up plan of making work fun for you without them getting along.
When you take yourself out of the equation, I'd put money on them working it out.
Doubtful. The hardworking one doesn't confront people when she has an issue with something. I'm not really purposefully "in the equation" to begin with though. I just exist in the space where it's happening.
You guys are in bad habits.
Sorry, what do you mean by this?
I also edited that post, but
The hardworking one doesn’t confront people when she has an issue with something
There isn't much you can do with that except be kind and clear that you're not going to either and you like them both so you don't want to hear about the other.
Sorry, what do you mean by this?
Bad habits would be,
- hard working has expectations that everyone will work the same way (bad habit)
- less hard working does their own thing and no one talks to them
- hard working complains to you about less hard working (bad habit) and you don't shut it down (bad habit)
- less hard working has no idea of what's going on and you probably treat them different because you don't know what to do. Your freezing (not a bad habit but something that can be adjusted to fit the situation)
Well I appreciate you very much for the advice.
Unfortunately, it turns out that one of them just quit so this whole post is moot now. If only I had waited a few days to post then all of this wouldn't be necessary.
I'm also sad to lose one of the people I care about.
Yw, that's too bad, I hope you still like work.
You may think you’re “just receiving” info when you listen, but listening is an active thing. You are sending signals when you listen, and you have the ability to shut down the words coming your way.
You are participating whether you chose to or not. By being a receptive audience to the message, you’re cultivating the message. In this case the message is “Hey let’s have a negativity party”.
Unfortunately, it still won’t help the issue of the tension in the room …
Actually it can. If you shut down your own participation, it can affect the whole room.
A big part of that tension is the two of them looking for commiseration from you in their gripes about the other. I bet if you declare yourself to not be a conduit for this energy, it will diffuse the whole thing.
Sometimes, one of the best things you can do for a person is pop their bubble. If you tell the complainer that you don’t want to hear her complaints, it might even end the complaints in her own head too.
A big part of that tension is the two of them looking for commiseration from you in their gripes about the other. I bet if you declare yourself to not be a conduit for this energy, it will diffuse the whole thing.
It's even more awkward than that. It's only the "hardworking" one doing the complaining. The "lazy" one doesn't talk behind the other's back like that.
Sometimes, one of the best things you can do for a person is pop their bubble. If you tell the complainer that you don’t want to hear her complaints, it might even end the complaints in her own head too.
That's an interesting thought! I doubt it will make them completely go away, but perhaps it may lessen them.
I think you need to tell A that sharing this feedback with you won't help B change, and that they need to address B directly or talk to their supervisor.
You can also say that sharing this feedback with you is putting you in an uncomfortable position, as you are friends with both of them, and you need it to stop. It's perfectly okay to validate A's complaints ("I understand why you feel the way you do") so that A doesn't feel like you are dismissing them. But that doesn't mean you have to be in the middle.
Having spent many years in corporate life, I can tell you that one of the biggest blockers to people improving is that no one tells them there is a problem to begin with. Person B may have no idea they're underperforming. And to be fair, I can't tell from this whether their supervisor would even agree that B is underperforming; B may be doing just fine from management's perspective, in which case A needs to let it go.
Good luck!
It's actually a sentiment shared by many of my coworkers and B has gotten feedback from the supervisor about it in the past before. She doesn't have any intent on changing tbh. I know that bit because she brought it up to me (not because I was calling her lazy).
I just don't really personally care much about whether or not someone doesn't work as hard as someone else...unless they are also a shithead lol. Which she isn't so it doesn't bother me. Or if she was maybe gone for like half the day I might care.
Fair enough. Sounds like A is going to have to decide whether they talk to B directly, complain to the supervisor that B still isn't meeting expectations, or drop it. But keeping you in the middle isn't going to solve the problem and it needs to stop. You can say that firmly but nicely and with validation. (The validation is important to maintaining your relationship with A.)
At the end of the day, this sounds like a failure at the management level. If B is known to be underperforming, it's on management to either find a way to help B improve or replace B. Management's failure here is hurting all 3 of you. A has a right to be pissed. B needs guidance or the boot. And you need to be free of this mess.
Don't respond in any way to whatever they say about each other.
Not an advice.
I once in a situation like yours. I liked both of my colleagues, one complained about the other. Long story short they got married (and still happily married). Lesson learnt, don't pay much attention to the complaints.
If the hardworking coworker secretly resents you, she'd be unlikely to be sharing this with you too at least. I used to have a similar situation, over time I opted to work harder with the hardworking one and just laugh off his bitching, somehow the three of us managed to get along in the end with minor backroom complaints. Dude just wanted to vent so only pushing back gently when the complaints got silly worked well. The slower worker just wasn't a problem even if it felt tense between her and the dude.
No idea if this anecdote helps whatsoever, but I wish you the best. You sound like you're in a rather uncomfortable situation.
I’ve got a coworker that always talks shit when he talks to me. I later found he had made false reports of me shirking my duty to our superiors, which got reflected in my performance evaluation.
Now I just don’t talk to him. If you have a coworker who’s constantly talking shit about another coworker, they’re also talking shit about you. Or they’ll start. Guaranteed.
IMO you are over thinking a social situation involving other peoples interpsonal relationship which you dont have much direct control over. If two human beings that aren't you decide to start up petty emotional drama that's their business. The only control you have is how much you want to involve yourself to it/be exposed to it. If one starts talking about the other to you, politely tell them you are a neutral party, would like to remain that way, and want to talk about something else. If they get salty about it then inform them in a less polite way that you aren't their personal venting machine. That you're (presumably) grown adults and not teenagers in highschool, they need to stop shit talking about other people to you. they can pay a therapist to listen to their ranting.
Look, you're never going to change the 'lazy' person, that's just how they are. You're also not going to change how the 'hard worker' person feels about the lazy person. What you can do is change how you react to this situation. You'll need to set some boundaries. Tell hard worker "listen, lazy is my friend too and I really don't like it when you talk about this person behind their back. It puts me in an uncomfortable situation and I would appreciate it if you would keep that topic to yourself." Friendships evolve and this will either make it or break it. If it breaks, then hard worker was never that great of a friend to begin with. A friend respects boundaries.
Good luck, OP
Write a sitcom about it. Imagine a laugh track while occasionally deadpanning a non-existent close up cam for dramatic effect.
Take the hardworking co-worker aside. Say:
"Hey, this situation has been difficult for me. I enjoy working with both you and Lazy, and I miss the days when everyone got along. I don't want to invalidate your frustrations, but it's stressfull to hear about how lazy Lazy is being. It doesn't bother me that Lazy does less work, but the tention between you two does bother me because I enjoy both of your company"
And see how Hardworker responds. Then go to Lazy.
"Hey Lazy. Hardworker seems upset that you take more breaks than they do. Do you think you could talk to her and try to clear the air? I enjoy working with both of you, but the tension between you two is upsetting"
And again, see how they respond.
It's entirely possible that neither of them will respond well to this, so bare that in mind. If it's stressing you out, though, you have an obligation to yourself to try. Just also be aware that it could backfire. So be sure to weigh whether or not it's worth it to get involved
The best way to handle it is not to. Don't agree or disagree, don't discuss, don't offer suggestions or commiserate. Your responsibility is for you to get through the workday. Your job is your job, which I assume is not to be A's sounding board or to hound B for slacking. If A keeps bitching about B, ask A not to. If A asks you why, be honest and say that the constant complaining is stressing you out and you're not the proper outlet for this. If B needs to pick up the pace, that's for her manager to deal with.
in all cases, be professional.
The best way to handle it is not to. Don't agree or disagree, don't discuss, don't offer suggestions or commiserate.
That's essentially what I've been doing this entire time. I don't really respond or say much to either of them about it. It hasn't been helping me.
I don't tell A that I agree that B is lazy. And I don't tell B that A doesn't like her or think she's lazy.
Your responsibility is for you to get through the workday. Your job is your job
It might be "just a job" to most, but over time I had really grown to love and care about these people. They are almost my whole world, even though obviously they didn't ask to be and really shouldn't have to be responsible for the way I feel.
How do I alter my own feelings? How do I transition to not caring? Do I have to stop speaking to these people and stop having fun with them? I just don't know what to do about it.
If it were like this from the very beginning, I think I would have been able to handle it just fine. But since it has been a progressive change for the worse when it used to be a great situation, it's difficult for me to handle.
I feel you.
My wife and girlfriend hate each other.
I try my best to ensure my friends get along, but I know I can't always do so, a sadly inconvenient consequence of not being unaccepting of different types of acquaintances save for character. It's not for no reason that there are those of us who are hierarchal, with hard friends being required to get along.