this post was submitted on 14 Dec 2023

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How do you deal with two people who you are close to and have to spend every day with...but one of them hates the other one? (self.asklemmy)

submitted 11 months ago by dingus to c/asklemmy

27 comments fedilink hide all child comments

I apologize if this isn't allowed, but I wasn't sure exactly where to put it. Just let me know if it's inappropriate and I'll delete. Thanks.

I'm a loner, so my life is basically just work and the internet. Two of my coworkers are among my favorite people in the whole world, but one of them doesn't like the other one and will complain to me about how they don't like them.

We work incredibly closely together...only a few feet apart for hours on end. Our job also necessitates that we frequently communicate with one another. In the beginning, I absolutely loved it and there was no conflict.

Now, I often get my one coworker complaining to me that the other is lazy. And I'm not going to lie, the "lazy" one definitely takes more breaks than everyone and doesn't at all work as hard as the others. But that doesn't really bother me because she's a super incredibly nice and friendly person.

But over time it has bothered my hardworking coworker more and more and driven a wedge into what I would have once considered to be a friendship between the 3 of us.

It never gets to the point where there is yelling or arguments or anything, but it absolutely ruins the mood and then I hear about it later.

I interact with these people for hours on end every single day and I'm just not sure how to handle it. I've been struggling to know how to deal with it for months now.

To top it all off it gives me endless paranoia that the hardworking coworker secretly resents me and hates me too. This stuff never used to happen before, but know I feel like it's all that happens.

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[–] [email protected] 43 points 11 months ago (1 children)

I think you're not going to want to hear this, but it's not your monkey, not your circus. Tell the friend that keeps complaining that you'd prefer that they take it up with the other co-worker because you don't have a problem with it. Also, that you don't really want to listen to it. You're going to have to have a backbone here because your co-worker is the one with the problem, not you.

[–] dingus 7 points 11 months ago (2 children)

I think you're not going to want to hear this, but it's not your monkey, not your circus

No, but it is frustrating to be in the middle of it when they used to both get along and it was a nice place to be every day. It's especially shitty because I looked forward to seeing them every.day.

Telling the "hardworking" one that I don't want to hear about it any more is a decent idea. Honestly I hadn't thought about it. I'll have to remember to do that the next time she complains.

Unfortunately it still won't help with the issue of the tension in the room when they are together. I don't know how to force myself to be happy in a lonely corner by myself and ignore that part. Would appreciate some thoughts on that if you had any.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago) (1 children)

When you take yourself out of the equation, I'd put money on them working it out. You guys are in bad habits.

Edit: Sorry, didn't see this part:

Unfortunately it still won’t help with the issue of the tension in the room when they are together.

That tension is them not getting along, you're going to have to decide to get along with them individually and make it light when you're with each other one on one. It's not the 3 of you if one of you isn't into that, it's 2 of you at a time.

I also think that you can't bring back the old times, hopefully they decide to do that. But if they don't, you have to have a back up plan of making work fun for you without them getting along.

[–] dingus 2 points 11 months ago (2 children)

When you take yourself out of the equation, I'd put money on them working it out.

Doubtful. The hardworking one doesn't confront people when she has an issue with something. I'm not really purposefully "in the equation" to begin with though. I just exist in the space where it's happening.

You guys are in bad habits.

Sorry, what do you mean by this?

[–] [email protected] 2 points 11 months ago (1 children)

I also edited that post, but

The hardworking one doesn’t confront people when she has an issue with something

There isn't much you can do with that except be kind and clear that you're not going to either and you like them both so you don't want to hear about the other.

Sorry, what do you mean by this?

Bad habits would be,

hard working has expectations that everyone will work the same way (bad habit)
less hard working does their own thing and no one talks to them
hard working complains to you about less hard working (bad habit) and you don't shut it down (bad habit)
less hard working has no idea of what's going on and you probably treat them different because you don't know what to do. Your freezing (not a bad habit but something that can be adjusted to fit the situation)

[–] dingus 2 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Well I appreciate you very much for the advice.

Unfortunately, it turns out that one of them just quit so this whole post is moot now. If only I had waited a few days to post then all of this wouldn't be necessary.

I'm also sad to lose one of the people I care about.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 11 months ago

Yw, that's too bad, I hope you still like work.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 11 months ago

You may think you’re “just receiving” info when you listen, but listening is an active thing. You are sending signals when you listen, and you have the ability to shut down the words coming your way.

You are participating whether you chose to or not. By being a receptive audience to the message, you’re cultivating the message. In this case the message is “Hey let’s have a negativity party”.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Unfortunately, it still won’t help the issue of the tension in the room …

Actually it can. If you shut down your own participation, it can affect the whole room.

A big part of that tension is the two of them looking for commiseration from you in their gripes about the other. I bet if you declare yourself to not be a conduit for this energy, it will diffuse the whole thing.

Sometimes, one of the best things you can do for a person is pop their bubble. If you tell the complainer that you don’t want to hear her complaints, it might even end the complaints in her own head too.

[–] dingus 1 points 11 months ago

A big part of that tension is the two of them looking for commiseration from you in their gripes about the other. I bet if you declare yourself to not be a conduit for this energy, it will diffuse the whole thing.

It's even more awkward than that. It's only the "hardworking" one doing the complaining. The "lazy" one doesn't talk behind the other's back like that.

Sometimes, one of the best things you can do for a person is pop their bubble. If you tell the complainer that you don’t want to hear her complaints, it might even end the complaints in her own head too.

That's an interesting thought! I doubt it will make them completely go away, but perhaps it may lessen them.