Ask Lemmy

It's pretty clear to me many people here have never either had general anesthesia or talked to anyone who had, you can't really time funny one-liners right before you pass out.

Here's how it works:

They'll put a mask with a rubber tube in your mouth for oxygen, and tell you to relax and count back from 10, so you start counting impatiently(it's boring, and there is nothing else to do), wondering when the surgery is going to start.

Ten.

Nine.

Eight.

Now the anesthesiologist is in front of you, checking on you to see if you're OK. "But I haven't finish counting down yet, when is the surgery going to start?" You ask them.

"It's already over", they explain.

Then you realize you are in a completely different room, the tube is no longer in your mouth, but you feel so weak you can hardly move, and the stitches/staples around your new surgery wound is starting to itch.

It's like a segment of your life was cut out and erased into nothingness.

I had a very stodgy surgeon and I actually got a laugh out of him. He checked in with me pre surgery and as he was leaving said he would see me in the OR and I was like I hope I don't see you (meaning I hoped the anesthesia worked). No one else got what I meant except for him and he had a genuine chuckle.

Good luck on the surgery OP

True story: The morning before going in for foot surgery, my mom was in a silly mood and wrote "wrong foot" on the other non-surgery-scheduled foot with a marker before putting on her socks.

After the surgery everything was fine, and later when checking up on her the surgeon told her everyone in the operating room got a good laugh out of that "wrong foot" message.

Mom was glad her joke worked out, but later started wondering why they were looking at the wrong foot in the first place and now wonders if her private joke to amuse herself actually saved her from having the wrong foot operated upon.

I had surgery three weeks back. The mood in the OR was good. As they were strapping me to the table for bone surgery on my femur, ( They were going to have to exert force, and I needed to be on my side), I asked them if tbay had all watched the youtube tutorials. Laughs ensued.

"Anyone need anything while I'm out" ha! That's brilliant. I gotta remember that if I ever need it.

“How do you keep a surgical staff in suspense?”

I had to be in twilight, that's where you're basicilly out but can just barely understand what's going on a bit. I was in and out and just absolutely baked. At one point I looked at the anesthesiologist and asked for a little more. He got concerned and asked if I could feel anything? I said "no, no I can't. I'm just having a really good time". I'm not sure because he was wearing a mask and all, but I think he grinned and I have zero memory from then.

You can do what my 4yo did before his last surgery: shout out "WAIT WAIT WAIT!" right before they put on your mask or give you the drip, then hold out your fist and say, "FIST BUMP!"

I went with the Leslie Nielsen quote from the movie Airplane, "I just wanted to say good luck, we're all counting on you."

"I'm aware that consciousness still exists under general anesthesia, but the brain is no longer capable of forming memories, so have fun stabbing me with knives, I'm actually going to feel it!"

OP -- can you please come back after the surgery and let us know that you're okay?

"Good luck, we're all counting on you"

The one and only time I was put under I said "you know what you're doing, eh?" And he just put me out. I didn't mean to say that, I was just nervous. I did see a nurse laugh though so that's nice.

(I know this is probably impossible, but it would be so funny)

Tell a knock knock joke, but only the first part. Don't reveal the punchline, just pass out. So they work extra hard to keep you alive, because only then will they hear the punchline.

In your best Ace Ventura voice: “If I’m not back in five minutes…just wait longer.”

Good luck with your surgery, hope it goes well and your recovery is as easy as it can be. 🙏

Not a one-liner. You better start this one as soon as you're rolled into the room.

My instructor was Mr Langley and he taught me to sing a song. If you'd like to hear it, I can sing it for you.

It’s called “Daisy”.

♪ Daisy, Daisy
♪ Give me your answer, do,
♪ I’m half crazy
♪ All for the love of you
♪ It won’t be a stylish marriage
♪ I can't afford a carriage
♪ But you’ll look sweet
♪ Upon the seat
♪ Of a bicycle built for two.

Hopefully, the anesthesiologist has seen 2001: A Space Odyssey. You’ll go down about halfway through.

The scene (spoilers for 2001) • Cleaner copy of the song to learn the melody from
No need to try for a computery voice, the oxygen mask will obfuscate it enough.

I asked my doctor "You've done this before, right?" he didn't laugh.

Fuck, I left the oven on.

If I happen to be the doctor and it's someone else going under I'd say "Okay, let's get this leg amputated!" when that is NOT the actual operation happening.

I hope you all paid attention in class

"I'll see you on the other side." Works both ways.

"Smoke me a kipper. I'll be back for breakfast".

Just softly sing "weeeeeeeee..." as you go under.

Last time I had to be knocked out for surgery, I remember feeling myself fading out, and just before everything went out I felt the nurses and technicians getting me uncovered, when one of them exclaimed "Wow! Look at all that red hair!"

She wasn't looking at my head.

"What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical statement?"

"don't touch my junk" - "not bad for a first date" - "any message for the other side?" - "I'll let you know what the old man says" - "delete my browser history" - "I forgot the stove on"

Point to the anesthesiologist, "Yo, this guys got the good stuff! Anyone else want a hit?"

Good luck for Friday! Hopefully you can post an update next week, so we know you're with us. This may interest you; my wife used to be an anaesthetist, and during long, boring procedures would give the patient a facial - blackhead removal etc. It's considered unethical, but she delighted in them waking up looking great.

I know, it's stupid, but anyway...

"If I don't survive, tell everyone I used GNU+Linux, btw."

But realistically, I'd probably be repeating this to myself: "Do not talk right after you wake up! Do not talk right after you wake up! Check the time, wait at least 2 hours. Do not trust yourself right after you wake up!" in hope that I'd remember to do so as to not accidentally disclose private information while still being high.