Ask Lemmy

Eh, are they asking about other ways to get into dating though?

This sounds like "cold approaching". Like a guy walks up to a woman he doesn't know or barely knows and asks her out. I can tell you for one woman's perspective, this sort of approach has a 0% chance of working on me. And before anyone says, "but what if he's good looking and rich hurr durr hypergamy". No, still no. If anything, a super good looking guy in slick clothes cold approaching me is gonna make me wonder if I'm about to be abducted into his fucked up forced prostitution ring.

Imagining what it might be like for a guy, yeah, "cold approaching" sounds terrifying and likely futile.

Wanna know how I got every single date with a guy ever? Online dating where I was actively open to being approached (no longer a cold approach on the part of the man) or doing some approaching myself. Or I met him through friends and got to know him a bit before we mutually decided the vibes were nice (no "approach" at all). This one requires having friends though, so lots of the worst of the chronically online misogynists are already opting out.

I would say I’ve never approached a woman romantically not quite out of fear of being viewed as a creep, but out of fear of creeping her out. I’m paranoid about putting people in uncomfortable situations, because I hate when it’s done to me

That's always my fear, is coming off as a creep. Part of it is knowing that despite my finding them interesting or nice to talk to, I'm confident that no one finds me interesting or nice to talk to or be around.

I can remember friends of mine who worked in retail wearing fake wedding rings to fend off advances, because they happened day in and day out, and guys were pushy, and can remember being chatted up every time we went to a club or out anywhere, every single day I worked at a restaurant or in a retail store, and I am not stunning in looks - if this has declined by 90% it is probably at a reasonable level now. You are right those guys didn't think they were creepy, that doesn't mean they weren't.

Online dating has problems, the commodification of people, etc. but you can't compare it to some ideal that didn't exist.

Not picking up on hints is a separate thing - that is with someone you already know, right? Who is being subtle because they also don't know if you are interested. I think you should feel more free to ask someone you know out and they should feel free to accept or decline without thinking you are creepy for asking. That's not creepy.

I can't speak to how common this is, or if overall rates have declined, but I still do it. There are a lot of people in the comments who are worried about coming off as a creep, and I'm sure a lot of guys do come off that way, but I don't think it's that hard to hit on someone in a non-creepy way. I asked a woman out last week like so-

Me: "Hey, sorry if this is abrupt but would you like to have lunch or a coffee sometime?"
Her: "Yeah! That sounds like fun"
Me: "Cool, let me give you my number..."
Me (after chatting a bit): "Sorry for hitting on you out of the blue."
Her: "It's totally fine!"

Things to note:

1. I gave her my number instead of asking for hers so that she could turn me away by just not texting me.
2. I was relaxed and willing to joke about my abrupt approach.
3. I'm not exceedingly handsome, but not particularly ugly either.
4. I'm ready to exit the conversation politely and humorously if she turns me down.
5. We had talked briefly a few times prior to my approaching her.

I've only done a cold approach a couple times in my life, and it did indeed always end in disaster. So I gave up on that fully. Eventually met my wife on a dating site, but I understand that that's becoming much more difficult now with the enshitification, and it was never easy.

IMO yes, but true of men too. If someone is interested in dating then they are on one or more dating apps or sites, and that is the safe front door they have created to date on their terms.

I was and still am very cautious of approaching woman. I asked my gf in person as well because i just think its just important to be genuine and personal about it.

In the same year I approached two women out of the blue before the pan. One complimented me for doing so outside of a dating app and the other looked at me like I violated a social norm.

I think the idea of approaching anyone in person is out-of-fashion, but it should be done regardless.

How is the act of romantically approaching men out by women coming along statistically?

For reference, I'm in my early 30s. A random guy trying to ask me out would probably be a no-go, just for the fact that I don't even know you. Probably because I'm kind of sheltered and don't tend to strike up conversations with strangers. Maybe if we were at coffee/book/record shop or something and had a nice conversation first (so that I could at least gauge if he's a weirdo or not), and THEN he asks me out.

Actually all of the people I've dated were people in my friend circle, friends of friends, people I went to school with, or coworkers. This kind of proximity dating has been enough for me since I've never felt.. romantically lonely (I'm not gonna count highschool lol). I've never done online-dating because I've never felt the need to.

Basically I'm saying the random approach would probably, most likely, not work for someone like me.😅

I also think we've all heard plenty of dates-gone-wrong type of stories – and you hear a lot because the world's very connected now and we love to share. And so that certainly makes a person more guarded, wary.

I wonder what the older generation's dating experience was like. I'd like to think they were more outgoing and trusting and had an easier time! xD

No, but it's more uncommon. It would be nice to have the kind of culture where everyone felt more comfortable with it and cooperated to find good matches naturally.

We have entered… the Friendlight Zone!

I found the best way to meet people has been EDM festivals and hobby events.

It's not. Just do it with 100s of women and you will get there

out of date??? no. I can assure you, it happened around the earth several million times to both women and men just last night alone. if there's one thing I know, it's that humans are horny as fuck wherever you go.

Do people do it less nowdays? maybe slighty! but that's really different from being "out of date"