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Take it from me op. Drop the imposter stuff in your relationship, that can kill a relationship. I very nearly lost my wife early on because "I just can't believe you want to be with me". That isn't attractive.
They like you, that's why they're with you. They weren't tricked, you didn't fool them, they like you. Who you are. All you gotta do is like them back :)
The best way to deal with imposter syndrome is to remember what got you here. All the things you do and did that other people can't or aren't willing to do.
I know a girl who just left her boyfriend because he didn't show affection, didn't try on dates, and just stopped trying altogether. Imagine the average person, then 50% of them being worse than that. Surely we can convince ourselves we're above average if only slightly.
How long I've been single
I have never been in a relationship in my 36 years, in my daily life I feel secure, but I am fucking terrified when I think about finding a partner, I am interested in finding one as I am getting pissed at allways being alone, but I have no idea on where to start.
It's just really hard. I would put it up there as one of the most challenging things we do in life. It can be absolutely soul destroying to be rejected.
It's almost impossible to find someone these days. Social media made people a lot more picky and everyone is trying to find the perfect person that doesn't exist. Apps like tinder ruined it even more.
It depends on an age group. I would agree that in a group of 20-30 it's a mess, but 35+ you can find a decent partner (depending on your age of course).
Odd. That's backwards from what I generally hear people talk about. When you're still in your early twenties, it's very easy to meet people in college/university. Once you start getting older and leaving behind schooling and its associated extracurriculars, it gets way more difficult to meet people. Where are these 35+ people going out and finding partners? Not saying it's impossible by any stretch of the imagination, just a lot harder.
bingo.
the whole 'you'll do better when you're older' is a myth told to silence people who are unhappy in their 20s. Things don't get better, they stay the same or get worse. People don't magically mature at the age of 35 or anything... typically they just double down on bad attitudes.
people generally tell comforting myths and lies to themselves and collectively because the harsh reality of the situation is too terrifying to accept.
people also generally believe that 'one day i'll be rich'. even though they are 45 and working at a cashier in a gas station.
it's also easier to tell yourself comforting BS because then you don't have to take action and realize you are mostly a product of the choices you have made.
I have been single since 20 year so yeah it sucks
Same
Posting things online.
I have no "traditional" social media accounts, and over half the comments I type here I delete without posting. I don't like people judging me & talking behind my back, so my introvert tendencies include semi anonymous things like Lemmy.
what about what people say about you IRL behind your back?
I have a mild speech impairment. I don't stutter on a daily basis but when I'm under heavy stress or when I'm tired I tend to stutter-ish. On top of that I live in a country where I don't speak in my native language and sometimes I feel self-conscious about small mistakes I make (like using the wrong word or messing up the grammar) which induces the stress response. It's not a big deal but it makes me crazy when I can't express my thoughts in public.
people who shit on people for imperfect language are insecure assholes.
it's just as stupid online when people grammar police you for written words.
my ethics
Work ethics or moral ethics?
both :(
Everything, but specially my ability yo make decisions.
It doesn't matter what we are talking about. You just have to say "Are you sure?" to make me feel insecure about any topic, at work, home or with friends. And, of course, then every bad consequence is my fault.
I would feel insecure anyways, but i can usually control my feelings. Say that sentence and i struggle even to walk.
I guess mental health. I am all kinds of fucked up.
Teeth. Many years of poor dental hygiene.
'The woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those who sang the best.'
My weight fluctuates. Sometimes I bloat up from medicine. Sometimes I can't eat and lose weight. I can't seem to just be me and be happy and have people like me no matter what my weight is. It is really frustrating going through your whole life hating your body because of external standards.
"Don't care what other people think."
Ok yeah well when you feel like people stare at you and silent judge you all the time, and internally you do the same thing to others and hate yourself even more for being part of the problem.
It's constant brainwashing of the 'ideal body' when the reality is people come in all shapes and sizes. It's hard to change that mindset when all the ads you see around you tell you differently.
I never feel like I fit in clothing wise no matter what. I've figured out a way to make a lot of pocket money and I continually buy clothes and shoes in the hopes that one day I feel right but I seldom do.
May I ask your body type? You don't have to answer here if you don't want to, but I have daughters of various shapes but similar sizes, might be able to help. I am literally more confident naked than in badly fitting clothes, you are not crazy. Those pictures you see online are tailored and styled, not off the rack. And often photoshopped as well.
I'm average to hippy, shall we say. I have large breasts so even when I'm at my thinnest I still need larger tops.
What do you like about your body? Like do you like the big boobs, or your height or waist? I always think the big boobs look so good in plunge necklines but sure that's impractical for everyday wear. I will very, very, very strongly urge you to find a tailor, if you are curvy, they can take those too-big shirts and make them body skimming so that you don't feel dumpy. They can take in the waist, but also fit it to your shoulders, so that it drapes well.
Lemmy doesn't have the fashion advice threads like reddit did, I kinda liked those. But if you are not too short, I imagine the nice flowy pants and a closer fit on the top, my sister has the big (purchased) boobs and looks so good in that style. If you are quite petite then straight leg or jogger bottoms that fit a little closer and T- shirt that is high hip length (also works if you are tall but is harder to find the shirts). Again, tailor so the front of the shirt doesn't land higher than the back. I don't like dresses but if your waist is the smallest point dresses will be so flattering, close fitting through the bust and high waist then flow downward.
It does depend on what you personally consider assets though, and cultivating an objectivity so you don't just dismiss every look as not you, not attractive, or not appropriate, you gotta look at yourself as though it's someone else in the mirror, your body twin, a friend with a similar build.
I like that I'm curvy and I do tend to V necks because the tittays are still impressive even at 50 haha. I am on the shorter side so some stuff just makes me look dumpy, like long dresses or high waisted stuff. I just did a big clothes shop and did really well, but I always end up feeling underdressed somehow? And I gravitate towards bright colours and prints when other people seem to be in black leggings and runners.
The bright colors and patterns will be such a glorious old lady style though, when you get old!
I live in Florida & underdressed isn't a thing here. I would bet money that all you really need is a tailor, it's not surprising you would feel dumpy if you have to buy clothes based on your bust size and they are too big everywhere else. Especially if you are curvy petite. There are so many gifted seamstresses working out of houses where I live, it's a thriving cottage industry. There is an ancient old black lady who lives behind us that does my kids' clothes when they are going to quinces and bat mitzvahs, proms, all those fancy ass parties you have to look good for, I can't afford actual evening wear and the seamstresses can turn the thrift store dresses into great looking unique stuff for them. Do not learn to sew. Just find someone good at it.
That's a good idea. Thank you for all the advice!
Irrationally insecure? My weight, or more accurately, my size. I was an eating disordered teen, still get stress anorexia, but even when healthy and relaxed my mind just thinks I am too big, when objectively and logically I know I am in great shape for someone with kids and over half a century of years. I feel fat unless underweight.
Rationally insecure? I don't trust my job or the economy overall. Have been homeless and so poor, dug out of it and doing great but I am not relaxed about it at all. I don't think that's irrational though.
I don't have a girlfriend (because I can't get one) when everyone around me is in a relationship.
Not getting enough updootes.
That some people are irreparably broken and I’m one of them.
a lot of people just refuse to fix their shit and take responsibility for their actions. you don't have to be one of them
That's not what they mean. People who think they are broken will have been dealt a bad hand in life and our society's fundamental statute of "treat everyone the same by being equally shitty to everyone" means the same shit hits harder for the people with the bad hand and when they see other people with a better hand managing to deal with it they start to think that something is wrong with them.
That or a basic preconception of who/what/where they should be in life that they find themselves either not achieving or veering away from. It's that old "be a man" bullshit with a very strict view of what a "man" is and not enough wiggle room to accommodate who they really are.
I get called judgemental all the time. I have on idea why. I don't judge anyone. And yet.... they judge me as judgemental.
It drives me nuts. I think it's just my face and the fact I don't smile constantly. It also makes socializing very difficult, because I only tend to get along with very secure chill folks... which there aren't many of in the world. I often have people blow up at me for 'being mean to them' even though I have said nothing to them and didn't even notice them.
You ever think maybe you don't have imposter syndrome? You're just telling yourself you do because it feels like it, but you actually don't have it at all.
Yup, I'm just an actual imposter
Sus
Gasp! It's actually imposter imposter syndrome!
What do you got?
Being overly secure can be a problem too... I'm quite secure, because I've gone out of my way to work on insecurities. Buuut this has the consequence of insecure people seeing me as arrogant 🤷
Life. Only death is safe.
