Ask Lemmy

"Respect your elders"

Nah they're the ones who destroyed the economy giving free rein to corporations, set the planet on fire, and let cops run loose murdering and stealing as they please, fuck them

"You've got to love him -- he's your brother, after all."

Yeah, he's my brother who would get angry and destroy all my things when we were young, my brother who sexually abused my youngest sibling, my brother who launched into a homophobic rant against my mom during a time when she had cancer, a brother who cheated on and verbally and physically abused his first wife, a brother who probably drove my nephew to suicide.

No, fuck him. I don't love him, and I never will.

“Walk it off”

— coach

No, my torn ligaments need to rest and heal, asshole, not to endure further trauma. Get me some ice!

Anything regarding loyalty to an employer or insurance company

"If you were just more positive you'd not be complaining about being depressed all the time".

And/or

"Have you tried just being happy for once?"

Hard work always pays off.

"Undercover Cops have to tell you if they're a cop," or other variations I remember hearing all throughout high school.

Somehow though, organized crime hasn't figured out this one simple trick to ferreting out undercover cops in their midst, just ask them.

Also: "Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die."

"Calm down."

YOLO

It's like a mantra for bad decision making. But it should really be used the opposite way. Like... I better put my seat belt on because YOLO.

"Don't believe everything you read on the internet"

• Benjamin Franklin

If something bad happens, just try to forget it. You'll feel better!

Burn your garbage. Burning garbage makes smoke that goes up into the sky and becomes stars.

If I pick up something that is too heavy my uterus will fall out.

if you ask a police officer for a piece of candy then legally they have to give you one

“do what you love”

"Snitches get stitches."

How do you expect conflict resolution to work?

"Count your blessings."

Useless fucking platitude that's synonymous with "You aren't the person who is absolutely the worst off, so being upset with your lot is inappropriate."

See also "At least you have your health."

Don't try to bullshit me, I'm a bullshit artist.

My company switched up retirement plans and they held a seminar to explain them. The person running the seminar said that we should be putting 15% of our salaries into retirement.

Nice idea, but if I put 15% of my salary into retirement, then I wouldn't be able to pay my bills. I'm not living extravagantly or anything (buying something for $20 for my enjoyment seems like a splurge to me). Still, whenever I seem to be getting on a better financial footing, life throws me a curve ball. Need new hearing aids ($3,600). New a new dryer ($750). Might need a new car soon.

So either I need to be paid a lot more, I will be working until I'm 90, or I put away the money and go deep into debt but can retire. (Just kidding. I'm nearing 50. I likely won't have enough to retire. Maybe when I'm 80.)

I think a lot of people here misread 'favorite' as 'least favorite'