Ask Lemmy

I worked for 12 years in a fraud control department.

This guy's a fraudster. Your mom is being scammed.

This story is so full of red flags of internet scam. Let me emphasize: Well-known red flags.

🚩🚩🚩 He is a scammer.

🚩🚩🚩 He is a scammer.

🚩🚩🚩 He is a scammer.

My suggestion is: Make her suspicious. Make her google for all these well-known schemes. She needs to read about it herself, because she won't listen to you. Or maybe hear these stories on YouTube from the people who have fallen before.

A man she has never met, online interaction only, being put in the bedroom of her teenage son?

All I can really say to that is 'bro...'

I hate to say it but yes, your mom sounds like she's gotten a bit too attached to this guy. Sounds like a common online scammer. Has she given him any money? Let me guess, he's probably told her he just needs a little bit of money for a plane ticket and they can be together

It definitely sounds like a 'pig butchering' scam. They find someone lonely, give them a sob story, proclaim a special bond, talk to them for months, then start asking for money or pumping an investment scheme. Most likely, he would never come to your country, but rather will start saying "i need \ to travel there..."

I'm going to say something different from most, this guy might be genuine, he might just be some kid thats a bit lost. He might be a scammer but we haven't heard proof of that yet.

HOWEVER, you can not move a stranger, however lovely, in with your teenage son. That's just not a thing. If he wants to come live with you, AND he can get there by himself, then why can't he live on the sofa? You also mention your siblings being supportive, why can't he share with them? Are they younger than you?

Could he even move there legally? Would there be immigration issues if he tried?

See if you can read the messages yourself between the two of them, try to work out who's suggesting these things. Is he talking about lack of money a lot? Is he constantly having 'situations' that your mom needs to fix?

I had a similar situation except I was the dude (but 30 at the time) and I banged the crap outta my version of your mom for a week straight when I went to visit her.

He's grooming your mom and now your mom is 'grooming'/readying her entire family, so he can run away from his situation in his home country and start again. The question is this: why is he running away? He has a roof over his head, he's an adult, his aunt is forcing him to study so he can get a decent job?

Sorry this is ridiculous, he just thinks he wants an easier life and sees your mom as a way to get it. If he gets into your home, he won't be getting a job, he'll be playing games all day and eating food and doing nothing. Because that's what he wants, to be taken care of.

I'm all for giving people opportunities, but this guy has no plan, beyond living with your mom. Also, again, he's not a 'kid.' He's an adult, let him figure things out for himself, or else he'll always look for the easiest solutions and be a major problem for your family. Yes, he's scamming your mom. Show her alle these responses and tell her to grow up and protect her kids lika an adult should do.

I'm curious, she states that she has argued with him in the past and that it would've revealed the kind of person he is.

What have they argued about in the past? I would almost say that having argued with someone multiple times that you don't even live with is a red flag for happening at all, instead of a green flag that he's not a bad person. I'm curious if the context of their argument would make more or less sense.

I would be generally concerned. There are scam operations that are almost exactly like what you described. Scams nowadays aren't quick - some of them take months to set up, and the scammer talks to the victim (often a middle-aged lady) for weeks to months before they start asking for money. It's unfortunate the world is like this, but sometimes you have to be callous to other people to protect yourself. I don't know what I would do in that situation.

This can NOT happen, the risk is too big and people could get hurt. Your Mom has allowed this to escalate too far, too fast and can't see the danger she is inviting.

Your Mom isn't 'mad' but she is definitely being reckless and while trying to help someone else that she thinks needs her, she is forgetting about her family that need her. She doesn't know everything she needs to know to be sure this is a safe idea and she doesn't have the resources or ability to find out. Just getting to know someone over the internet is NOT enough and it IS possible to be deceived even when you think you know the person well. That's how online scammers work, they have to be convincing or people would not give them anything.

Even if they are telling the truth, the amount of help they're going to need and the long term commitment could be a disaster for you all. This person will be completely dependent on your family while in your country and they may have all kinds of complicated needs having come from a difficult home in a very different country, and with potential immigration questions. Offering to help someone with those kinds of needs is not a good thing to do if you are not truly in a position to offer that much help. Already your Mom can't even offer them a place to stay without making promises on someone else's behalf (yours), can she really offer what will likely be years and years of emotional, legal and financial support to a stranger without compromising her responsibilities to her family? When you speak to your mother about this, you need to remind her that YOU are her first responsibility and you are the one being put at risk most of all. You mentioned siblings, I'd be worried about them too. Are they minors? This is just such a bad idea.

You should speak to your father and find out if he is really okay with this like your Mom says? It sounds possible that like you, he didn't think it would do any harm for your mother to comfort this person online and now it's getting out of control and he doesn't want to upset her or doesn't know what she's promised them. If he really doesn't have any objections, then maybe there's other family members you can talk to? Most people outside this situation will think your Mom is making a bad decision and maybe you have an Aunt or Uncle that can talk to her. YOU are her first responsibility, because you are her child and family, this person online is not. It would be nice if it was possible for her to take care of the whole world, but it isn't, and if she tries to do that she might find herself unable to care for you and your family either because she gets scammed and loses your family's money, or because the person invited in to your home turns out to be more dangerous than expected or just requires more care than any of you can offer. It's not that they don't deserve care or help, it's that it's not help your family can reasonably and safely provide.

I hoped I would have good advice on how your mother could still help this person without the risk of being scammed or without going way too far like inviting them to live in your home but unfortunately I don't know any way that can be done. Though tragic, there is sadly a line where your personal responsibility for others ends. When caring for strangers involves risks to your own children that line has been crossed. Help offered to people in bad home situations, or in dangerous countries or in this case both, is complicated and difficult and full of risks even for professional organisations that try their best to do this, to take on this responsibility personally is very reckless and dangerous for your Mom, for you, for the rest of her family and even for her internet friend. Once he stays with you guys, what then? Can he work in your country? Can he legally immigrate there? What's his family going to do if they find out about you guys? How long can you support him? If he stays for some time and it doesn't work for any reason, where could they go? They'd be be alone in a foreign country with no where to stay? This isn't a real plan, it's a big, kind, but thoughtless gesture that needs to be reconsidered.

I honestly do feel for this guy (assuming they're being completely truthful), but I think getting them to move countries and share a room with your kid is too much of an ask for your kid

Assuming they're telling the truth

This sounds like it could be a possible scam, but I don't know enough to be sure

I'd say be vigilant for him asking for money to get out of his country and try to stop it. As a precaution, try to google him - his discord name or if he gave you his real name. If he is scammer (which is not unlikely) he's probably done this to others already. It is possible you find something on him specifically if he is a scammer (which sounds like he is). Try to find as much as possible. You can also try to use some of his messages to use in the google search if you can.

I was in a similar situation and I've found some messages the scammer sent which were identical to those received by my close one (they would use templates they sent out to multiple people). This was the only proof that managed to plant seeds of doubt and I then managed to make other cracks from there. Your mom sounds to be pretty deep so dig as deep as you possibly can for as much info you can is my personal advice.

Good news is there probably isn't any kid that plans to move to your room - bad news is there is risk of your mom losing her money and possibly get in debt as well. Sadly if this is true, your job is to prevent it. If you have other relatives you and she trust and will see this as an issue, ask them for help - since you already treated the scammer negatively in her eyes, she is less likely to trust you alone.

Good luck. It's not easy but can be done.

I wouldn't feel safe sleeping in a room with a random internet stranger my mom met over the internet. In fact, I wouldn't really feel safe sleeping in the same room as people I've met while playing internet games and I've met some cool people. People can easily fake an internet persona over long periods of time. I don't feel like this is empathy problem on your part. Trust takes time to build and it's not something that can really be done over the internet if your entire history with the person is based purely on online interactions.

Then she told me that I'm the only one causing problems about this, and my siblings and father have no objections.

Maybe suggest that one of those without a problem should be volunteered to support this guy and invite him into their bedroom.

Otherwise I don’t know what to tell you. Trying to help people is extremely hard, extremely draining. You absolutely have to have boundaries when you’re helping people.

So the right thing here, while you have that healthy sense of the wrongness of this arrangement, is to stick to your guns.

Your mother should not be volunteering you for charity. Nobody has the right to volunteer anyone else’s resources for charity. So if you don’t like the guy or feel personally inclined to help him, don’t.

That kind of help only helps when it’s genuine. People volunteering others for this kind of thing leads to burnout.

It’s okay to give. Just not when it feels wrong to you. That means there’s some resource of your own that, even if you aren’t consciously aware of, will get depleted by doing the help.

You fucked up when you taught your mom how to use discord mate . There is a reason some people should never know how to use technology .

Your mom is what we call a sucker

Immigration is slow for skilled workers in fields with high demand. For someone who is "studying" and has no skills, it would take years to get a work visa legally, if even possible at all. I agree that you will probably never see this man in your house, and are more at risk of your mom sending money to a scammer who disappears once he collects all he can.

In the event that this legitimately progresses further than what everyone else's advice covers, then you may need to get child protective services involved if any of your siblings are younger than you. Bringing a non-resident into your country, and potentially boarding them in a shared room with minor children? CPS is not going to look at that in a positive light. Even if it is legal for her to help this person in some capacity, CPS might spook your mom back to her senses before it can get to that point.

Not mad but possibly premature. In fact, you probably don't have anything to worry about, the odds aren't great. There is a reason most authoritarian places have communication restricted.

Yes, your mom has gone mad.