I don't have to chop, stew, dismember, or sell a $5 bill. False equivalency argument.
this post was submitted on 19 Jan 2024
743 points (97.9% liked)
The Onion
4488 readers
1198 users here now
The Onion
A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.
Great Satire Writing:
founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
I know right? Picking up a lost $5 doesnt carry any of those rewarding tasks.
i think you ate the onion on c/theonion lol
My guy, this is the onion
Yes, I can read. And see where it's posted.
Doesn't mean I can't debunk a theoretical argument.
THE ONION DEBOOONKED!!!1!!!
Some people pay good money for a solid debonking.
Or a handful of dead squirrels, I'm sure.
only the top 1% of IQs can debunk internet satire
Aw crap, I'm not an IQ I'm an ENFJ. ;(
It's fine. He never said it. He has said he thinks its ridiculous that he gets so much money for doing nothing compared to school teachers while paying less taxes.
That's just what they want you to think
His parents were rich and the reason he's more rich is that he exploits lots and lots of people.
Every single billionaire got there by exploiting and taking money from the people below him, who did most of the actual work. Nobody can earn a billion dollars, you can only do it by stealing. Buffet and Gates are the worst cause they try so hard to play the good guy billionaire image
I assume your downvotes are from billionaires. If not, that’s just sad. If you’re defending billionaires and aren’t one yourself, I regret to inform you that you’re a mark.
Average net worth for 35-44 year olds $135 thousand his net worth $119.2 billion. $5 equivalent for him is ~$4,414,814.81
If you skinned and sold squirrels at a rate of 7.56 squirrels per second, you'd reach his wealth in just 100 years! All it takes is a little hard work!
They'd also go extinct after 1 year. Maybe switch to rats.
Rats don't have bushy tails, so you'd lose most of the value.
Even if you don't end up rich, eradicating squirrels is a pretty good consolation prize.
He can buy a super car with less impact on his net worth than you standing there wondering what to get out of the vending machine
Where did you find that average net worth for 35-44 year olds? That seems much higher than I expected. What's the median?
Oh, you actually shared the median. The average is $1.06 million. I guess I know some broke-ass people, and am one myself. Almost everyone I know is well below those numbers.
Outliers are undoubtedly massively skewing the average.
Then they dare to go buy some fucking avocado toast and a mokke lattchiato or whatever the hell, on their fucking bikes with THEIR FUCKING HELMET ON!
Don't buy avacado toast, make it.
Shits cheap af
I don't get all the love for avacado. It tastes like mild plant butter to me. I save a lot of money by never buying it haha.
You have to throw some salt and pepper on it. Otherwise it's very bland. Kinda like an egg.
You need better eggs.
Dude literally just find more dead squirrels for avocado toast money, it's that simple
No, you don't understand the problem with avocado toast. You see, bread is a great source of carbs, and combined with the rind of the avocado, the scraps are a super food that leaves squirrels full of energy and with a thick coat that makes them neigh immortal
When's the last time you saw a dead squirrel ripe for the picking? It was free money
🤣 Thanks for repeating Abraham Lincoln's advice.
i love how Lincoln has become the de facto one
As someone that's shot a few squirrels for tying flies with, I'd just buy the damn tails. Squirrels are filthy little beasts and have a pile of parasites that crawl off them when they're dead.
You evil bastard. How could you? They're so cute!
They can be destructive fuckers. And, little known fact, red squirrels are the largest predator of juvenile rabbits.
Tasty, tasty rabbits.
"There's only one way to eat a brace of connies."
A squirrel tore up one of our lawn chair cushions to make its nest. Little piece of shit. Then bits of lawn chair stuffing blew all over the neighborhood that winter.
I was wondering why I wasn't getting telemetry from my watering bowls and started tracking down the issue. I had leaned a pole with a LoRa antenna up against a tree, and one of the little bastards chewed the line through in about a dozen spots. If they get in the soffet of a house they'll tear all the insulation out, then store thousands of spruce cones in there, making a lovely fire hazard.
Hate them almost as much as mice.
He looks tough but marbled. Stew meat at Best
Squirrels are pretty high in cholesterol.
Thank you Catherine
Free cholesterol!
Sell it bro. eBay.
So you're saying Americans would love it.
Now you got a stew goin’
Do we have a vulture culture sublemmy?