The Onion

Bartlet, who says he used to enjoy Pokemon, soda, and being alive, tells everyone how great it is to be left totally defenseless against common childhood diseases from the 1940s.

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Study: Overuse Of Hair Detangler Giving Rise To Product-Resistant Supertangles (theonion.com)

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Amazon's New Warehouse Robot Mocks Workers With Bathroom Breaks (isglitch.com)

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Latest AI Enhancement Includes 'Biological Function Simulation Protocol'

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RFK Jr announces plan to put cocaine back into Coca-Cola (chaser.com.au)

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Donald Trump spends afternoon killing all Thanksgiving turkeys pardoned by Joe Biden (newsthump.com)

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Defiant Joe Rogan insists he’s not a propaganda asset, just actually this stupid (www.thebeaverton.com)

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Conservative Vows to End All Systems of Child Abuse Except Ones That Actually Exist (thehardtimes.net)

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Report: Most Americans Have Enough Saved For Absolutely Incredible Single Day Of Retirement (theonion.com)

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FDA Bans Captain Morgan Rum After Having Way Too Much Of That Shit In College (theonion.com)

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Local Police Department’s Secret Santa Gift Exchange Entirely Made up of Punisher Merch (thehardtimes.net)

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Netanyahu Insists on Crimes Against Humanity During Game Night (thehardtimes.net)

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Dead Bird On Sidewalk Leads Man To Contemplate Own Inevitable Collision With Plate Glass (theonion.com)

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It Is Journalism’s Sacred Duty To Endanger The Lives Of As Many Trans People As Possible (theonion.com)

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Misinformation Laws Not Necessary, Says Meth Addict Peter Dutton (theshovel.com.au)

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‘You’re The Bonnie To My Clyde,’ Says Biden Running Off With Pardoned Turkey (theonion.com)

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God Looks 400 Millennia Younger After Infusing Self With Son’s Blood (theonion.com)

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Beaverton: Experts warn Trump dangerously close to figuring out where Canada is (thebeaverton.com)

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While experts have chillingly predicted that Trump may soon be able to identify Canada on a globe, others have offered hope.

“I don’t often say this as a medical professional, but we’ve really got dementia on our side here,” explains Dr. Arthur Anderson of the Calgary Alzheimers Research Alliance.

Dr. Anderson elaborates, “Given how much of the campaign President Trump spent rambling to Joe Rogan and jerking off microphones, the prognosis indicates that by January he won’t be able to find a bathroom unassisted, let alone Canada.”

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Trump Begins War on Elites by Giving Them Powerful Government Appointments (theshovel.com.au)

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Company Immediately Calls Job Applicant Upon Seeing 'B.A. In Communications' On Résumé | ONN (youtu.be)

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