this post was submitted on 19 Jan 2024
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The Onion

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[–] [email protected] 100 points 1 year ago (5 children)

I don't have to chop, stew, dismember, or sell a $5 bill. False equivalency argument.

[–] Agent641 42 points 1 year ago

I know right? Picking up a lost $5 doesnt carry any of those rewarding tasks.

[–] [email protected] 24 points 1 year ago

i think you ate the onion on c/theonion lol

[–] somtwo 19 points 1 year ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] -1 points 1 year ago (2 children)

Yes, I can read. And see where it's posted.

Doesn't mean I can't debunk a theoretical argument.

[–] Godric 6 points 1 year ago (1 children)

THE ONION DEBOOONKED!!!1!!!

[–] [email protected] -1 points 1 year ago

Some people pay good money for a solid debonking.

Or a handful of dead squirrels, I'm sure.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 year ago (1 children)

only the top 1% of IQs can debunk internet satire

[–] [email protected] 0 points 1 year ago

Aw crap, I'm not an IQ I'm an ENFJ. ;(

[–] Blue_Morpho 14 points 1 year ago

It's fine. He never said it. He has said he thinks its ridiculous that he gets so much money for doing nothing compared to school teachers while paying less taxes.

[–] chuckleslord 10 points 1 year ago

That's just what they want you to think

[–] [email protected] 64 points 1 year ago (1 children)

His parents were rich and the reason he's more rich is that he exploits lots and lots of people.

[–] Son_of_dad 39 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Every single billionaire got there by exploiting and taking money from the people below him, who did most of the actual work. Nobody can earn a billion dollars, you can only do it by stealing. Buffet and Gates are the worst cause they try so hard to play the good guy billionaire image

[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 year ago

I assume your downvotes are from billionaires. If not, that’s just sad. If you’re defending billionaires and aren’t one yourself, I regret to inform you that you’re a mark.

[–] [email protected] 54 points 1 year ago (3 children)

Average net worth for 35-44 year olds $135 thousand his net worth $119.2 billion. $5 equivalent for him is ~$4,414,814.81

[–] [email protected] 52 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (3 children)

If you skinned and sold squirrels at a rate of 7.56 squirrels per second, you'd reach his wealth in just 100 years! All it takes is a little hard work!

They'd also go extinct after 1 year. Maybe switch to rats.

[–] Anticorp 1 points 1 year ago

Rats don't have bushy tails, so you'd lose most of the value.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago

Even if you don't end up rich, eradicating squirrels is a pretty good consolation prize.

[–] [email protected] 19 points 1 year ago

He can buy a super car with less impact on his net worth than you standing there wondering what to get out of the vending machine

[–] Anticorp 1 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Where did you find that average net worth for 35-44 year olds? That seems much higher than I expected. What's the median?

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago (1 children)
[–] Anticorp 1 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Oh, you actually shared the median. The average is $1.06 million. I guess I know some broke-ass people, and am one myself. Almost everyone I know is well below those numbers.

[–] Holyginz 1 points 1 year ago

Outliers are undoubtedly massively skewing the average.

[–] [email protected] 43 points 1 year ago (2 children)

Then they dare to go buy some fucking avocado toast and a mokke lattchiato or whatever the hell, on their fucking bikes with THEIR FUCKING HELMET ON!

[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Don't buy avacado toast, make it.

Shits cheap af

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I don't get all the love for avacado. It tastes like mild plant butter to me. I save a lot of money by never buying it haha.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago (1 children)

You have to throw some salt and pepper on it. Otherwise it's very bland. Kinda like an egg.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago

You need better eggs.

[–] Godric 5 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Dude literally just find more dead squirrels for avocado toast money, it's that simple

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago

No, you don't understand the problem with avocado toast. You see, bread is a great source of carbs, and combined with the rind of the avocado, the scraps are a super food that leaves squirrels full of energy and with a thick coat that makes them neigh immortal

When's the last time you saw a dead squirrel ripe for the picking? It was free money

[–] AeonFelis 29 points 1 year ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago (1 children)

🤣 Thanks for repeating Abraham Lincoln's advice.

[–] jenny_ball 3 points 1 year ago

i love how Lincoln has become the de facto one

[–] ikidd 26 points 1 year ago (1 children)

As someone that's shot a few squirrels for tying flies with, I'd just buy the damn tails. Squirrels are filthy little beasts and have a pile of parasites that crawl off them when they're dead.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 1 year ago (1 children)

You evil bastard. How could you? They're so cute!

[–] ikidd 21 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (2 children)

They can be destructive fuckers. And, little known fact, red squirrels are the largest predator of juvenile rabbits.

Tasty, tasty rabbits.

[–] Blue_Morpho 4 points 1 year ago

"There's only one way to eat a brace of connies."

[–] FlyingSquid 2 points 1 year ago (1 children)

A squirrel tore up one of our lawn chair cushions to make its nest. Little piece of shit. Then bits of lawn chair stuffing blew all over the neighborhood that winter.

[–] ikidd 2 points 1 year ago

I was wondering why I wasn't getting telemetry from my watering bowls and started tracking down the issue. I had leaned a pole with a LoRa antenna up against a tree, and one of the little bastards chewed the line through in about a dozen spots. If they get in the soffet of a house they'll tear all the insulation out, then store thousands of spruce cones in there, making a lovely fire hazard.

Hate them almost as much as mice.

[–] [email protected] 18 points 1 year ago (4 children)

Squirrels are pretty high in cholesterol.

[–] magicalman315 10 points 1 year ago

Thank you Catherine

[–] CurlyMoustache 5 points 1 year ago

Free cholesterol!

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 year ago

Sell it bro. eBay.

[–] FlyingSquid 2 points 1 year ago

So you're saying Americans would love it.

[–] RestrictedAccount 15 points 1 year ago

Now you got a stew goin’

[–] [email protected] 1 points 11 months ago

Do we have a vulture culture sublemmy?