this post was submitted on 19 Jan 2024
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The Onion

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submitted 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
 
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[–] [email protected] 100 points 10 months ago (5 children)

I don't have to chop, stew, dismember, or sell a $5 bill. False equivalency argument.

[–] Agent641 42 points 10 months ago

I know right? Picking up a lost $5 doesnt carry any of those rewarding tasks.

[–] [email protected] 24 points 10 months ago

i think you ate the onion on c/theonion lol

[–] somtwo 19 points 9 months ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] -1 points 9 months ago (2 children)

Yes, I can read. And see where it's posted.

Doesn't mean I can't debunk a theoretical argument.

[–] Godric 6 points 9 months ago (1 children)

THE ONION DEBOOONKED!!!1!!!

[–] [email protected] -1 points 9 months ago

Some people pay good money for a solid debonking.

Or a handful of dead squirrels, I'm sure.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 9 months ago (1 children)

only the top 1% of IQs can debunk internet satire

[–] [email protected] 0 points 9 months ago

Aw crap, I'm not an IQ I'm an ENFJ. ;(

[–] Blue_Morpho 14 points 10 months ago

It's fine. He never said it. He has said he thinks its ridiculous that he gets so much money for doing nothing compared to school teachers while paying less taxes.

[–] chuckleslord 10 points 10 months ago

That's just what they want you to think

[–] [email protected] 64 points 10 months ago (1 children)

His parents were rich and the reason he's more rich is that he exploits lots and lots of people.

[–] Son_of_dad 39 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Every single billionaire got there by exploiting and taking money from the people below him, who did most of the actual work. Nobody can earn a billion dollars, you can only do it by stealing. Buffet and Gates are the worst cause they try so hard to play the good guy billionaire image

[–] [email protected] 8 points 9 months ago

I assume your downvotes are from billionaires. If not, that’s just sad. If you’re defending billionaires and aren’t one yourself, I regret to inform you that you’re a mark.

[–] [email protected] 54 points 10 months ago (3 children)

Average net worth for 35-44 year olds $135 thousand his net worth $119.2 billion. $5 equivalent for him is ~$4,414,814.81

[–] [email protected] 52 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago) (3 children)

If you skinned and sold squirrels at a rate of 7.56 squirrels per second, you'd reach his wealth in just 100 years! All it takes is a little hard work!

They'd also go extinct after 1 year. Maybe switch to rats.

[–] Anticorp 1 points 9 months ago

Rats don't have bushy tails, so you'd lose most of the value.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 10 months ago

Even if you don't end up rich, eradicating squirrels is a pretty good consolation prize.

[–] [email protected] 19 points 10 months ago

He can buy a super car with less impact on his net worth than you standing there wondering what to get out of the vending machine

[–] Anticorp 1 points 9 months ago (1 children)

Where did you find that average net worth for 35-44 year olds? That seems much higher than I expected. What's the median?

[–] [email protected] 1 points 9 months ago (1 children)
[–] Anticorp 1 points 9 months ago (1 children)

Oh, you actually shared the median. The average is $1.06 million. I guess I know some broke-ass people, and am one myself. Almost everyone I know is well below those numbers.

[–] Holyginz 1 points 9 months ago

Outliers are undoubtedly massively skewing the average.

[–] [email protected] 43 points 10 months ago (2 children)

Then they dare to go buy some fucking avocado toast and a mokke lattchiato or whatever the hell, on their fucking bikes with THEIR FUCKING HELMET ON!

[–] [email protected] 7 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Don't buy avacado toast, make it.

Shits cheap af

[–] [email protected] 4 points 10 months ago (1 children)

I don't get all the love for avacado. It tastes like mild plant butter to me. I save a lot of money by never buying it haha.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 9 months ago (1 children)

You have to throw some salt and pepper on it. Otherwise it's very bland. Kinda like an egg.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 9 months ago

You need better eggs.

[–] Godric 5 points 9 months ago (1 children)

Dude literally just find more dead squirrels for avocado toast money, it's that simple

[–] [email protected] 3 points 9 months ago

No, you don't understand the problem with avocado toast. You see, bread is a great source of carbs, and combined with the rind of the avocado, the scraps are a super food that leaves squirrels full of energy and with a thick coat that makes them neigh immortal

When's the last time you saw a dead squirrel ripe for the picking? It was free money

[–] AeonFelis 29 points 9 months ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 4 points 9 months ago (1 children)

🤣 Thanks for repeating Abraham Lincoln's advice.

[–] jenny_ball 3 points 9 months ago

i love how Lincoln has become the de facto one

[–] ikidd 26 points 10 months ago (1 children)

As someone that's shot a few squirrels for tying flies with, I'd just buy the damn tails. Squirrels are filthy little beasts and have a pile of parasites that crawl off them when they're dead.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 10 months ago (1 children)

You evil bastard. How could you? They're so cute!

[–] ikidd 21 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago) (2 children)

They can be destructive fuckers. And, little known fact, red squirrels are the largest predator of juvenile rabbits.

Tasty, tasty rabbits.

[–] Blue_Morpho 4 points 10 months ago

"There's only one way to eat a brace of connies."

[–] FlyingSquid 2 points 9 months ago (1 children)

A squirrel tore up one of our lawn chair cushions to make its nest. Little piece of shit. Then bits of lawn chair stuffing blew all over the neighborhood that winter.

[–] ikidd 2 points 9 months ago

I was wondering why I wasn't getting telemetry from my watering bowls and started tracking down the issue. I had leaned a pole with a LoRa antenna up against a tree, and one of the little bastards chewed the line through in about a dozen spots. If they get in the soffet of a house they'll tear all the insulation out, then store thousands of spruce cones in there, making a lovely fire hazard.

Hate them almost as much as mice.

[–] [email protected] 21 points 10 months ago

He looks tough but marbled. Stew meat at Best

[–] [email protected] 18 points 10 months ago (4 children)

Squirrels are pretty high in cholesterol.

[–] magicalman315 10 points 10 months ago

Thank you Catherine

[–] CurlyMoustache 5 points 9 months ago

Free cholesterol!

[–] [email protected] 5 points 9 months ago

Sell it bro. eBay.

[–] FlyingSquid 2 points 9 months ago

So you're saying Americans would love it.

[–] RestrictedAccount 15 points 10 months ago

Now you got a stew goin’

[–] [email protected] 1 points 8 months ago

Do we have a vulture culture sublemmy?