1) Be nice and; have fun
Doxxing, trolling, sealioning, racism, and toxicity are not welcomed in AskLemmy. Remember what your mother said: if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. In addition, the site-wide Lemmy.world terms of service also apply here. Please familiarize yourself with them
2) All posts must end with a '?'
This is sort of like Jeopardy. Please phrase all post titles in the form of a proper question ending with ?
3) No spam
Please do not flood the community with nonsense. Actual suspected spammers will be banned on site. No astroturfing.
4) NSFW is okay, within reason
Just remember to tag posts with either a content warning or a [NSFW] tag. Overtly sexual posts are not allowed, please direct them to either [email protected] or [email protected].
NSFW comments should be restricted to posts tagged [NSFW].
5) This is not a support community.
It is not a place for 'how do I?', type questions.
If you have any questions regarding the site itself or would like to report a community, please direct them to Lemmy.world Support or email [email protected]. For other questions check our partnered communities list, or use the search function.
6) No US Politics.
Please don't post about current US Politics. If you need to do this, try [email protected] or [email protected]
Reminder: The terms of service apply here too.
Logo design credit goes to: tubbadu
No. Wanted kids, but it didn't happen with either wife (sequential, not simultaneous). Current wife can't any more for medical reasons. And frankly I don't want to have a teenager while I'm in my 60s, so I think I'm done anyway.
I would like to have kids, but I do have nieces I can take whenever I want and give back whenever I'm done. Kind of the best of both worlds.
I have them, they are great. Here are a few obvious things I’ve learned that I didn’t appreciate beforehand:
The complexity of the endeavor rises exponentially with the number of kids. That is to say, 3 is a much bigger leap from 2 than 2 was from 1.
They get dramatically more expensive and complicated as they get older. All that exhausting baby activity is the easy part. As you start to figure out how to do it, the rules shift and you have to get learning again.
I never imagined how much of adult life as a parent revolves around the literal management of shit. Between kids, pets, and aging parents, I just never expected to be so preoccupied with the logistics of excrement. I guess I was living in some kind of Disneyland in the before times. You sort of get used to it though. Sort of.
Such a wise and thoughtful answer 😊👍
Mid 30s here. When i was younger i never wanted kids. I would always tell my parents i never wanted any as well. Fast forward about 15-20 years, people would tell me im great with kids and i should have some. The problem with this is that i am great with kids for about 2-3 hours and then im like...get this thing away from me. People have also told me that its different when they are your own.
Well one day i booked an appointment to get a vasectomy and havent looked back yet. I also got married to someone who shares the same feelings as me towards having no kids. Life is great and havent thought of any regrets.
People have told me that I'm good with kids too. But here's the thing...it's actually super easy to give a child attention and follow them around for several hours. I'm not sure why people praise me for it. I guess because some people don't care enough to give the kids the time of day or something?
But the not easy part is the taking care of them eternally thing. Parenting through meltdowns...always being there 24/7/365 with no breaks...having to always feed and clean them...etc. The list goes on.
I know it's dark to say, but one of the things I fear I'd do is end up with one of those parents who is driven crazy and inadvertently kills their child from shaken baby syndrome.
My husband once said to me, "this is a terrible thing to say, and I don't want you to feel bad, but you do seem like the type who might shake a baby" - I was sterilized by then so it was funny vs insulting.
Broo I feel that lol I am probably too mentally unstable for that shit. Who knows, tho.
At least when people only have one child, it almost seems maybe manageable. But people for some reason never seem to stop at one!
I wake up to a quiet, clean house every day. Not having kids is the best.
So my wife and I are child-free by choice. I'm in a rare position that I wind up speaking to many people in-depth about their lives, and the folks who have children talk about raising their kids all the time.
If I'm honest, many, many days I think "the moral of the story here is do not have kids, foks".
That's not to say that it's all bad for everyone, but it is very bad for a lot of people. Essentially, their lives become exclusively about managing their children's problems. Everyone thinks their children will be well mannered, sweet and thoughtful little guys who will fill their hearts with joy and purpose. The reality is many children are little nightmares with behavior problems that don't seem to improve no matter how much work they put into seeing child psychologists and play therapists- every single day they spend 3-4 hours trying to calm their kid down as they fly into an uncontrollable rage, overturning tables and swinging their arms as hard as they can at the care givers and their parents. They want to help their kids learn how to control their feelings but they can't. It's really sad. The parents live in hell a little, every hour of the day is spent trying to manage their screaming, raging child.
I will also tell you that many people have tried to convince me over the years that we should have children. Family members, neighbors, co-workers.. I also once had a neighbor (who's kids were little terrors, I once saw one take a swing at his face because he was being punished, and they also once threw BIG rocks over the wall separating our properties without seeing where they'd land) say to me: "You just get to do whatever you want, don't you?" when I was getting in the car to leave to go work remotely out in the countryside for a week.
My point is people don't often tell you how hard it can be, most people lie and say that it's great. At least half a dozen times I've had parents say "now I don't wish that my child was gone or would never have been born as such, but I do often long for a life where I didn't have to take care of them all the time". Like they DO wish they never had kids, but they have to be careful to say they don't want their child to disappear because its too dark of a thing to say.
Yeah, whenever people describe what it's like to have children or whenever I happen to observe it for myself, it looks like literal hell on earth. People try to choose their words carefully to not say how miserable they are, but I can see it. You can't even sleep anymore. Sleep deprivation is literally a torture technique.
And I mean...I get that some people have to have kids in order for the human race to continue to exist. And I'm glad my parents had me and that I got to experience life. But I just don't know that I could do that myself. I don't think that I could selflessly endure torture every day for years and years just to try to help another human being survive. I would like to think that I am a giving person, but not to that degree.
Eh, I've got five kids and they run the gamut from incredibly cool to assholes. One is pretty accomplished professionally and made sure to find ways for both her dad and me (step-dad) in her wedding. Another went no contact over the divorce/remarriage of her mom. Another has struggled with addiction and mental health, but has overcome the former at least and recently graduated and is working as a nurse. The last two are still at home and one has emotional issues and some autism and weaponized incompetence, the other is hard working and responsible and has drive balanced with emotional maturity (though hormones are kicking in so...)
In my opinion, there is too much emphasis on being perfect parents and having perfect kids leading perfect lives. We love them all and make sure they know it. We try to set healthy boundaries and allow them the same. But at the end of the day, they are people and they are going to struggle and much of that is out of our control beyond being here with advice and help in times of crisis.
And even the assholes are pretty cool in their own right. Not fun to parent, but still people who I think are great to have in your life.
I do occasionally lament the path not taken, but if I didn't have kids this would be the path I lament. (Probably just a smaller house and nicer vacations.)
I'm not trying to convince you, but I want to put in a word as a parent of assholes who sometimes daydreams about where my life might be without kids. It was a good decision for me. And if I didn't have them to be accountable to, my depression might well have gotten hold of me in a moment of weakness and I wouldn't be here to write this. My kids don't make me happy (well, sometimes) and it's not their job to, but I'm very glad I had them.
Only have children if you are ready to give up your own comfort and freedom to provide an environment for them that they deserve and will thrive in. I have 3 kids and knew that it was a huge commitment, but that still won't prepare you for exactly what that means. You wake up when your child wakes up, regardless of how much sleep you've had or if you stayed up late to have some hard-to-find personal time with your significant other or alone. Children crave attention and deserve to have a locked-in parent so when they are awake, scrolling on social media or watching your TV show instead of interacting with your kid playing on the floor is a disservice to them. Some of your closest friends before children are often not compatible with the vision you have for your family and it requires you to cut some people out of your life that you honestly valued before you were responsible for the development of another human. There are many sacrifices that really shocked my system to get accustomed to, but it has been worth the trouble. Just remember that they come first above your comfort and wishes because they didn't ask to be here and your choice to bring them into this world means that your are responsible for creating an environment for them to feel safe and loved.
I've taken care of various small animals my whole life; the next logical thing would be a kid. Or a horse.
Horse'd be cheaper, I reckon. And I can't afford that, so no way could I afford a kid.
I would love to have kids. It seems like my biggest wish in the world. People keep telling me that having children was the most beautiful thing that happened to them. Still no baby after 9 fertility treatments, only a couple of miscarriages. I am 40 now and I have almost no time left. I feel broken by Al the treatments. Lost my work. Adoption is impossible in my country.
I would love to know how other people learn to live with this feeling.
I've got a few friends in similar situations.
7 years of trying for us. Still no luck. Doctors haven't been able to tell us why. It's rough some days. But one way we cope is to try to be the best aunt & uncle possible to our nieces.
why adoption is impossible?
absolutely not. I'm not interested in bringing anyone into this world to die in the climate wars
nope, not now or in the future, no.
I didn't want kids for the longest time. Then I met my husband and wanted to make a family. We were fortunate to have two lovely girls (after three unfortunate miscarriages). Actually, I think it was after the first miscarriage that my desire for a baby was truly solidified.
Life is chaotic and busy and expensive but I wouldn't trade it for life before kids.
No and no. I don't think I'd want to subject my kids to where the world is headed. Also, too much of a long-term commitment that would significantly reduce my opportunities to do what I want, travel etc.
Early 30s and no, I won't have kids for many reasons, those are my top 5:
My wife and I have two sons, and it’s an obscene amount of work, but there’s nothing better than the simple joy of seeing them excel at something they love, or seeing their pride at a success.
You’re giving up proper sleep for a decade, and you’re forever ceding your ability to not worry about another person’s wellbeing, but on the whole it’s worth it.
The early years are punishing, there’s no way around it, but it gets easier as they get older.
I have kids, I love them but I regret having kids with my toxic wife
I’m sorry :/
I have 4 kids, and there could be more in the future, because my wife force this more than me. I always said it's her decision.
I have to daughters, and my personal experience has been overwhelmingly positive.
By that I do NOT mean that it's convenient - it absolutely is not. It's stressful, and all hedonistic pleasures go down the drain for a period of time. But they give my life meaning in a way few other things can.
I do not have kids. I got sterilized (had my fallopian tubes removed) in my mid 30s. I never really felt the urge to have them, and the idea of having them became more and more of an icky thought. I am a sleepy person who wakes up at noon on weekends. I'm messy and forget the laundry in the machine. I'm self centered and like to spend what I earn on me, or choose when I feel like gifting and giving to others. I'm picky, I like to find things exactly how I left them, and I don't like sharing with people who aren't my husband. I'm not a bad person, I just understand my behaviors and realize that I don't really have a responsibility to change as long as I'm child free. Add to that the fact that I have so many hobbies, a close knit group of friends, and a bunch of pets - I never feel bored or lonely and I know it'll only get better with age. Kids just never factored in.
No to all. I get to spend all my time and money with my wife. We can travel, watch concerts, and do any activity without having to worry about babysitting, getting home early, etc.
Early 30s and no.
I worked in education circa 2000-2016, every age from newborn to 20-somethings, nursery, pre school, most school ages, teens, young offenders institutes.
Pretty sure I would be a good dad as I kept my cool even when i got stabbed in the arm
Wife doesn't want kids and I'm not that bothered either way. Happy to be "Uncle" to my friends' kids.
I'm not one of those people who loves being a parent. You know the kind, the mom who loves having all the kids in the neighborhood over and cleans every mess with a big smile. I have two kids and they often drive me crazy. But I never regret having them.
They constantly fight with each other, whine that this or that is unfair, refuse to listen exactly when you're in rush to get them to school, leave the entire house in a mess and in general manage to find new and inventive ways to make your day that little bit more challenging.
But they're the sweetest and most wonderful thing to have happened to me at the same time. I love everything about them and couldn't imagine my life without them. Even my eldest son, who is hitting puberty and can reach maximum sarcasm with even the smallest of expressions, shows so much care and affection when it comes down to it. I could go on and on about how wonderful they are, but I think you get the idea :)
The thing is though, as others have said, parenthood is a major investment of your time and energy. Your life will never be the same again, ever. So if you do decide to become a parent, accept your fate and make the best of it. Those wonderful child-free years are gone and will never come back again.
I don't mean to sound very gloomy about it, but it's just an inescapable fact if you want to try and be a good parent.
One thing that helped for me though, is find someone in a likewise position and share your burdens. I have a friend at work who has two kids of about the same age, and she goes through the same struggles as me. We always complain about our kids to each other, knowing that it's just something you need to get off your chest once in a while. It's usually about small stuff like a daughter exploding in the morning because she can't find her pencil case, or some other minor drama. Our other coworkers always think that we hate being parents, and joke that our stories are probably responsible for a large part of the birth decline :)
But it feels so good to know that you're not the only one struggling. So many parents like to put up this facade of being a perfect family, and it can make you feel like you're doing something wrong. But everyone has struggles, it doesn't make you a bad parent.
Sorry, I'm getting a bit off topic. It's just that I have a lot of feelings about it, and it's not always been easy. And if you decide to be a parent, it won't be easy for you either. But if you're willing to put in the effort, it'll be worth it in the end. Just make sure you have someone to talk to, and don't be too hard on yourself.
Had baby fever for about 2 years before my husband got his and we initially wanted at least 2. Had our son and the fever never returned. I didn't want to have another to appease society and end up with a child that I honestly would have regretted. I'm now happily one and done with an 8 year old. When things aren't going well, I have to remind myself and especially my husband that he's a child.
I have kids and love it. There is 100% more trampoline in my life because of them. Mine are both autistic and have quirky interests which we've leaned into (visited the fan museum, attended the international carwash convention, and have spent countless hours at home depot, etc), so that's a little bit of a bonus. I have friends who don't have kids and are equally as happy. You just gotta choose the right path for you.
I'm not even sure if I want to live. Forcing existence on someone else seems a cruel thing to do.
Honestly I’m not sure I’d recommend it. It’s really hard and it completely changing everything: life, marriage, work life balance, sleep, stress, etc.
I wouldn’t change having one but it was not made clear to me how unbelievably hard it is.
If you’re in a culture where you parents actually help it’s more doable. Assuming you’re a westerner then it’s hard.
I have one child, now adult, who reminds me every day that she didn’t ask to be born and wishes she hadn’t been. It’s hard to explain to someone without the life experience of it all but I couldn’t have known how shit the world was about to get when she was born (summer 2001) so it seemed like a good idea at the time. Every single day of her life has been hard both for her and us in various ways. And I wish the world was gentler for her.
Suffice to say, I can’t believe there are any people actively trying to bring new people in to the world right now. Shit has been bleak as fuck for decades and it gets worse every day. Even the new plague didn’t help. I feel bad enough knowing the world she was introduced to is so terrible but I didn’t know it was going to be. But now? Guys it’s actually very bad, how could you present this to a new innocent person like,”here’s life! Enjoy!” Pass.
I have a 7yo son and I do not regret having him at all.
I became a father pretty late in life, so I did all the traveling and partying I could before. Everybody around me started having kids anyway, and less friends where available when we were making plans.
Sure, life changes drastically when you have a child, but with a family of my own I now feel more rooted in life. It's a quality of it's own.
It was a nice time before, and I sure miss being able to decide more independently how to spend my time. But our family is a team with common interests and we enjoy spending time together.
As my son starts to be more independent himself, we now start following our own plans again one bit at a time. It is definitely a give and take scenario, but we three get a lot from it 😊.
Edit: More words to make things clearer.
