Asklemmy

HR isn't the employees friend, ever.

But that's where you start the paper trail. It's really the safest bet

OP, I'd urge you to reconsider framing this whole thing as an "extrovert vs introvert" battle. Your boss is demonstrating poor boundaries and disrespectful and inappropriate behavior, and that has nothing to do with whether she's an I or E on the Myers-Briggs.

Whether or not you go to HR depends a lot on your company culture. Either way, you need to be documenting specific comments and specific behaviors that are inappropriate first. Every time she asks you an uncomfortable question, especially if it relates to sex, write down what she asked, how you responded (that you declined to answer and asked her to stop asking personal questions), who else was present, and the date/time. Keep this in a personal account, not company. Do NOT go to HR without documentation.

We don't know how big your company is, but odds are if she's a middle manager she's got people above her already who know she's a gossip and hate that. If you have any relationship at all with her supervisor, it's generally viewed as following the chain of command if you bring concerns like this directly to them, as well.

I’m an extrovert. That’s not the problem. This is social bullying. Please don’t frame this as “extrovert” behavior. This is reprehensible social interaction. As an extrovert I would NEVER talk about personal experiences at work. I would NEVER ask anyone to participate in my conversations unless they clearly wanted to. Stop conflating extroversion with bullying.

When I saw the title, my first reaction was to talk it out and explain your feelings to her. Once I read the rest, though, I changed my mind.

This is shaming and bullying. Sex is also a huge no-no. A supervisor should know better. HR is probably your best option.

I know that for years it’s been popular to say things like “HR exists to protect the company, not you.” In many cases, that’s still true. However, companies (and society in general) have become more sympathetic to issues like yours. They’d rather discipline people like her than deal with the multimillion dollar settlements that people like her cause.

If you're ok with being up front with people, you could just say "hey, do you mind giving me some alone time while I eat? It's nothing personal, I just prefer to use this time to recharge by myself."

If you'd prefer to manufacture an excuse, you could tell her you're going to use your lunch hour to try a new mindfulness meditation technique you heard about, and need to avoid conversation during that time.

If you have the option to take your lunch somewhere else where she won't find or bother you, that's an option.

I think usually just keeping your nose in your book a few seconds too long before giving short answers to questions, then going right back to reading, is enough discomfort for a person like her that even if she didn't get the hint that you don't care to be bothered, she would at least prefer talking to someone else instead.

Can you just tell her that you like to have quiet time at lunch to recharge for the afternoon?

Sounds like you need to communicate your desires. This is not limited to extroverts. It’s harder for us introverts but not impossible.

I’d ask for them to stop. If this isn’t followed, something written. If this isn’t followed, time to involve someone higher. I’m very reluctant to involve HR, they’re going to fuck with you very likely. However, your supervisor’s supervisor might be able to help. Important to slowly escalate and make a paper trail if the initial verbal ask doesn’t work out.

Also, did I read that correctly that sex is being discussed? As in sexual intercourse?

"Hey, I need to use my lunch break to get away from work things/have some quiet down time. Give me a break and I'll be better for the afternoon." Subjects you don't want to discuss: "Oooh, that doesn't seem like a topic appropriate for work. What about [thing you are comfortable discussing, work thing]."

I highly recommend becoming very willing to spend time discussing one personal thing so they feel like they're making a connection. I use my pets, but you can use a sports team as some others suggest, or a hobby you don't mind sharing, like your progress on painting minis/knitting that sweater/book you're reading/ latest album from favorite musician. Extroverts want a connection, give them a little and redirect to that thing when they probe.

If your boss persists in bothering you at lunch, ask if you should clock in since this is a work discussion, or if it's really your personal time to use as you wish.

If they persist in bringing up wildly inappropriate topics like sex, say that you're uncomfortable. Make it obvious they're being weird at work. saying "I don't like discussing my sexual preferences at work", or similar, loud enough for others in the breakroom to hear should make them uncomfortable. if that doesn't get you anywhere, there are protections in the US for some things. go to HR, explain you've tried explicitly telling them not to talk to you about whatever inappropriate topic, and it's continuing. Call out that you're feeling harassed by them continuing to bring up this subject that is not work related. HR might want to try a mediated discussion about it; 1 is reasonable, multiple is not.

if it gets to where you need HR and are worried about your legal rights, find a local worker's rights lawyer to provide advice. they should be able to tell you what is reasonable effort from the company to fix the situation. be prepared to lose your job if it gets this far.

you shouldn't have to discuss sex at work as small talk. it can come up in some jobs (medicine, sex work) but shouldn't be in most workplaces, and there are protections from this kind of harassment in the US.

If you work at a company with a competent HR department they will be very interested in hearing about how your supervisor is forcing you to eat lunch with her while she interrogates you about your sex life. That is 100% not appropriate in HR world. Just don't ever believe anyone in HR is actually your friend, stick to the truth always, and document everything. Literally, keep a log of everything. If you end up in lawyer world they will be very happy that you have documentation of dates and who was there and what happened.

It seems at least possible that her intentions are good, and you don't want to blow up your job, right? Have you told her directly that you like her and like your job, but the lunch-and-interrogation is not your idea of a break, and you do need a break? With a smile, do not feel like you are doing anything wrong. You are not doing anything wrong.

I am surprised nobody else is sitting these out ever, if every other person in your group looks forward to the lunches and they are part of what she considers the culture of the department, maybe it's important to her. But I have never worked anywhere where it was a requirement like that.

Make it clear that your supervisor is trapped in your conversation, not the other way around. When you have to be professional, be professional. But the rest of the time, talk about the dirt between the planks of wood at home. Talk about the sedimentation process of your aquarium's gravel. Basically the moste innate and boring topics that no normal human would bring up, repeated ad nauseam.

Make sure to take long pauses just to resume talking. Remember to take your time while monopolizing the conversation trying to find a word your forgot about.

Remember to mispronounce every word, especially if he corrects you but be sure to keep plausible deniability just in case he accuses you of doing it on purpose.

Remember to always blame everything on something that has no connection to it.

Remember to enrich your diet with garlic, to use terrible flavored candy or just skipping a meal for extra word flavor, if you can take the reputation hit.

Remember the magical phrase: "that reminds me of" and all variants of it.

Remember to look into his eyes, and to alternate between them and another part of his face as if something is wrong with it. Keep affirming that everything is alright while staring at that part.

Change the subject. All the time.

Have terribly strong inconsequential opinions and remind about them all the time.

Monopolize the conversation, but make him want to cut you off or talk. I

IMPORTANT : If the other party is silent, state how comfortable you are with this silent friendship.

Join a union if you haven't already, talk to a union rep.

Just hold your ground and keep reading your book, eating alone etc. If someone enters personal territory, shut it down by being honest "I don't want to talk about that" and move on. Resist peer pressure and be who you are, it's the same as it was in school.

Also, talk to your coworkers (I know it's hard) about whether they think it's appropriate. You have an impression they're on board with this level of "intimacy" but it's possible they are just going along to get along.

If persisting doesn't work then it's probably time to find another job. Plenty of workplaces out there that just want you to do your job and no more.

HR is definitely not on your side either, unless you can point to specific violations of policy. They exist specifically to cover their own ass, not to actually make your life better.

As a fellow introvert, I've found that being meek and timid about uncomfortable situations just invites more trouble from extroverts. The best way to handle it is to be direct and firm. If she wants to be nosy, then drop all the gory details:

"I'm an introvert and I don't feel comfortable sharing my personal life with coworkers. I know you, as an extrovert, want to be involved in everyone's personal lives and there's nothing wrong with that, but as a leader and a manager, you need to understand how to change tracks and adapt to your subordinates' needs.

"I need time to myself to recharge; being around people is mentally and emotionally draining for me. It's not something I can "fix," it's just the way I am, and no amount of exposure to people or social events will ever change that. I need you to understand that and adapt to my needs, in order for you to effectively manage me."

I worked my way up the ranks in the US military and eventually found myself managing people. As an introvert, I found it extremely difficult to get out and talk to my subordinates. But I soon realized that the mission wouldn't get done unless I did my job, so I quickly learned how to fake an extroverted personality while at work so I could talk to people and ensure mission success. Then I'd go home and crash. I'd spend my evenings either sleeping or bundled up, watching TV or playing video games, just to recharge so I could do it all again the next day.

But one of the things I learned was how to adapt to the needs of my subordinates. I had one guy who was a complete fuck-up. Couldn't do anything right without someone holding his hand. So I either had to be very hands-on with him, or delegate that responsibility to one of my subordinate leaders.

But then I had another guy who grew up in a ghetto being plagued by corrupt cops, and he hated anyone in an authority position over him. Why he joined the military, I dunno. We were all about authority and respecting rank and file. But if I even spoke to him, he would shut down and then be unproductive all day. As long as I left him alone, he was my hardest and most productive worker. So I learned to leave him alone and he practically did my job for me. Maybe your supervisor needs to learn that lesson with you.

It honestly sounds like you've got deeper issues with your boss. I would just shop for another job.

I'm quite introverted and have learned to only respond to questions when asked. I have no issue sharing any information. However, I have a major issue with understanding the scope of information worth sharing and when to stop. I do not let myself feel awkward in silence or the need to carry any conversation. If a person piques my curiosity, I can talk with them for days. I can find something curious to talk about with almost anyone. People that lack depth become a repetitive conversation that I will avoid.

Personally, I don't like to be actively manipulative with people. It goes against my nature. However, if someone annoyed me like this, and I had no other outlet. I would subtly use their psychology against them about like how a psychiatrist turns a conversation to introspection and analysis. Once a person is made vulnerable through unexpected introspection they are easily dominated. I can get away with a lot of things like this because I am a big dude where people expect me to be assertive and dominant in many ways that I really am not. Your results may vary.

I like answering with completely bullshit made up stories. Over the top, but still comprehensible. It's obvious they're fake, but there's no hard proof of it.

Sheila, I'm a very private person and I would like to keep my work and home life separated. I need that to feel comfortable. I'm here to get work done and happy to talk about anything omnoir work.

It's important for you to learn to set boundaries. And to block questions that you feel are hitting "too close to home". So don't respond. Just tell her that you have a private life that you'd like to keep to yourself.

There's nothing wrong with that. You just need some time and practice to stand up for yourself. :)

What have you tried so far?

Provide her with some literature on introverts to read while you read your preferred material.

Extroverts don't seem to understand that not showing interest in their sexual lives doesn't mean disrespect, but simply that I don't care about it.

I was on the fence until this. This is extremely unprofessional and, if I understand correctly, could even get the company sued. Here's how I'd personally handle it; but take this with a grain of salt because I've never actually had to deal with something like this before:

First, talk to a lawyer. Tell them what's going on an get their thoughts and suggestions. The suggestions following may be way off-base.

Then, start keeping track of every time she brings something like that up, and log how you responded, how it made you feel, how she reacted to you response. You're collecting evidence for a lawsuit on the basis of a toxic and highly unprofessional work environment that'll hopefully never actually happen.

Once you have enough info that you could potentially launch said lawsuit, double-check with your lawyer and then you go to HR.

YOUR LAWYER WILL LIKELY TELL YOU THIS: DO NOT THREATEN A LAWSUIT. DO NOT EVEN HINT AT A LAWSUIT. DO NOT MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT A LAWSUIT, PERIOD. IF YOU MAKE ANY MENTION OF LEGAL ACTION THEN YOU WILL DESTROY YOUR CHANCES OF HAVING A POSITIVE OUTCOME FROM THIS MEETING. THEY ARE ALMOST GUARANTEED TO FIRE YOU AND THEN IMMEDIATELY LAWYER UP. THEY MAY EVEN ATTEMPT TO DESTROY EVIDENCE IF THEY THINK IT'S PREFERABLE TO A SUCCESSFUL LAWSUIT.

Make sure you log your interaction with HR as well; what you discussed, if you felt your concerns were heard during the meeting, and then make a follow-up log a week or two later to note if there was any change as a result of your meeting.

If there was no change, talk to your lawyer and consider trying again (and log everything again), and again, do not threaten, mention or even hint at any kind of legal action whatsoever. You're trying to give the company ample chance to respond to your concerns.

If there was still no change, go talk to your lawyer about the possibility of pursuing legal action. It could be legitimately worth it, especially if they decide to fire you after your first or second meeting with HR.

Your goal is to have a paper trail so long and thorough that you can hang them with it (figuratively, in court) if necessary.

People often do things they enjoy when connecting with others, tlhinking that is what others need--especially extroverts and mostly when they aren't self-aware. e.g. when my wife heads out with friends she tries to plan things for me to do (or even friend hangouts) so I won't be bored. But that is her as an extrovert thinking how she would be if I went out. I have to reexplain each time that I won't be bored--i will catch up on reading, podcasts, bike ride, etc, enjoy some solitude, and if I felt the need then I would reach out to a friends.

You may need to have a candid chat and explain that as an introvert you need quiet alone time to recharge your battery--while extroverts charge their battery by being busy or outgoing.

A supervisor should understand the concept of respecting people's boundaries. You could always say something like "Hey I'm not really in the mood to talk right now" or "This isn't something I want to talk about". Just a fair warning if you do this, you might get labeled as the odd one the same way you mentioned if you go to HR (the HR one would be a bit worse if I'm being honest).

I'm sorry that you find yourself in an environment where you struggle to freely be yourself. I can strongly relate to this. I feel like I have to be constantly on guard and protect myself from people and it's a shitty way to live.

Standing up for yourself often feels uncomfortable in the moment, but you are very likely to regret not doing it. Whichever of the various tricks in the comments you feel comfortable trying or have hope will help, go for it.

Do you work somewhere where you can escape for an hour over lunch, perhaps? Like go to the gym or something? Out of sight out of mind.

I totally get the feeling of being mobbed, but to be honest find a way to cope with it at work. A lot of work places are by definition social places so it's going to be really hard avoiding interactions all the time. Maybe go for a walk with a podcast or something?

Good luck 🤞.

I would keep the vague answers and start asking the questions myself. Very specific and more personal each time. To see where she can get before she gets the message.

Just be honest and let him know you don't want to talk about yourself/certain topics.

You used a Germanism. Do you have a Betriebsrat?

Also, don't make introversion your entire personality.