Ask Lemmy

https://lemmy.world/comment/13102981

asklemmy post: What do you secretly judge people for?
Zeon: Here are my top 5: - Being on their phone too much. - Being willfully ignorant. - Believing in religion. - Using proprietary social media apps (e.g. Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook). - Using non-free BIOS firmware / non-free software.

No wonder no one want's to talk to you longer than few minutes.

You don't lack social skills. You lack empathy. You are subconciously condensending to 100% of people you will meet becouse they use windows and instagram.

People can feel what is in you heart.

You seem to lack empathy. NeoNachtWaetcher's answer is what I would look into.

I wouldn't focus on improving your social game, you seem good here.

Maybe try to be interested in other people's lives. When people infodump on you, try to catch a similar point of interest and divert the conversation toward that.

Also, nothing wrong with being quiet, I love a quiet friend.

I've recently tried to expand my social circle and something I've noticed is relationship seem to be alot about showing up and being there regularly, not overstaying your welcomes and trusting your gut.

About girls and romantic relationships, when the other party wants it too, it's very very easy and smooth. Remember, it's about two people, if you feel like it's hard to maintain convo or to keep her interested then look elsewhere maybe.

Kindly, from a 23-year-old.

What kind of questions do you ask people when you're trying to get to know them?

I like to walk around town and ask if people want to hear me sing

I’m pretty introverted

Something's off.

but still struggle to socialize. I often find it hard to keep conversations going, and honestly, I sometimes feel bored even when I’m talking to people.

I suspect there's something there. It may be nothing, or it may be just a lack of maturity (nothing wrong with that, you're still young), or it may be a defense mechanism, or it may be a lack of empathy of some kind. There's a bit of a skill to really finding interest in other people. If you talk with someone long enough, you can usually find something interesting about them. But it can be a skill to build rapport and to have genuine empathy -- if you force it, you can sound "fake" or like you're interviewing them. I've had some friends who were great at this, they could hold a conversation with basically anyone, I'm not a natural but I just watched them often enough that I try to do what they did. You may want to look around for some kind of social skills training or counseling if that's available.

I’ve also faced rejection from women about 4-5 times in a row, which I know is mostly my fault because I come off as desperate or just don’t know what I’m doing.

There is so much benefit to having a platonic girfriend. Someone socially competent who you have zero interest in hooking up with but you're good friends with. Then you can say: I have no idea what I'm doing wrong, I went up to (whoever) and said (whatever) and I think I just came off as desperate! And then your platonic girlfriend will tell you what you're doing wrong.

First: think hard, and read much, about who you are, who do you want to be, why is life itself the most important of all things, why are all humans created equal, and should you love basically all humans?

This is the foundation. When you have found some answers, then this is going to change your life. Probably not in a day, rather during the next years.

Second: learn about empathy and how to express it. There are methods. This will change very much how you are perceived by others as a loveable person.

But do the first thing first, otherwise the second might not work and you become a bad case of cynic.

I find it easier to socialize around the context of organized activities like card & board games, arts & crafts or community sports. If it's an activity you enjoy and the event bringing people together is for that activity's enthusiasts, then you already share a common interest.

Not necessarily direct social skill things, but stuff that could put you in slightly more comfortable circumstances to work on it:

-Karaoke. If you like singing, this is a no brainer. You then have easy introductory topics (song choices, music, telling people they did a good job, etc.). Where I am the demographics are pretty wide, it may skew older where you are.

-If you have interest in doing so, see if you can join a band, maybe with an eye to doing some low-tier gigs (or high-tier, that'd be up to you and your bandmates).

-It's hard mode, but like singing and playing music in public? Get a busking permit! Interact with the strangers passing by, etc. Best case scenario, you make some pocket change. Worst case scenario, you do something you like that puts you in front of people in a non-bar setting.

Working in something you're passionate about and at least sort of good at can put you a little more at ease, sometimes.

Sounds a lot like you need to find your crowd. Socializing is not the issue, more like socializing with the right kind of people. The problem is finding out what and who you find engaging. I suffered somei of the same problems until I discovered hackerspaces. Have you considered trying out for a band or advertising about founding a new one?

Adding to "find an activity to socialize around," things like martial arts or casual sports leagues are great for this because they have a way out mixing up a group with fairly diverse backgrounds. You could also do something lime Toastmasters for public speaking practice, which helps you express yourself better. None of this had to be an immediate life long commitment, jump around and test out group until you find one that fits your interests.

As others have said, and that I will echo, is to find an activity to socialize around. Since you like music find local groups in that area. Perhaps a choir needs some instrumental backing or another voice. Or try something new, like pottery. I highly recommend arts and crafts. You can also hit the gym, especially if you find one focusing on classes. Through those I've been building a whole new social network.

I haven’t had friends or anyone to talk to for a year or two

To me, it doesn't sound like you have issues socializing, it sounds like you have issues with maintaining relationships. If you're 21 and have zero friends, you need to examine that a little more closely.

Sounds like you need to find the right crowd to surround yourself with; welcome to the club, odd one. I've had some positive experiences joining a DnD group, it's a good way to meet fellow weirdos and if you get bored you can always look at your dice, re read the rules, or search stuff online.

Read How to win friends and influence people. Not reading books has nothing to do with staying true to yourself, especially if it’s just general guidelines and not step-by-step instructions you try to replicate.