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What should I do to improve my social skills? (self.asklemmy)

submitted 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) by Zeon to c/asklemmy

25 comments fedilink hide all child comments

Hello,

I’m a 21-year-old guy looking to improve my social skills. I go out to bars but still struggle to socialize. I often find it hard to keep conversations going, and honestly, I sometimes feel bored even when I’m talking to people. Occasionally, I have a good chat, but I tend to be the quieter one in the group.

I love to sing, and after I’m done at the bar, I like to walk around town and ask if people want to hear me sing. A lot of folks are open to it and say they enjoy it (maybe they’re just being nice, but some really seem to like it). I’m passionate about playing guitar and want to start painting and writing too. I also like to go out to town and sit on a bench and just play my guitar, usually just Nirvana songs.

I’m pretty introverted, but I’m not afraid to approach people. I can introduce myself to groups, but I often struggle to keep the conversation going, almost like I bore them. I’ve also faced rejection from women about 4-5 times in a row, which I know is mostly my fault because I come off as desperate or just don’t know what I’m doing. I haven’t had friends or anyone to talk to for a year or two (I don't use social media). I’m average-looking, but I’ve had some really beautiful girls come up to me, only to lose interest when they see I’m a bit odd. I've also never really had a girlfriend before, nothing longer than 3 months.

Any advice would be appreciated!

P.S. I’m not really looking to read dating or socializing books; I want to stay true to myself. But if someone has a recommendation that helped them, I might check it out.

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[–] [email protected] 9 points 2 days ago

but still struggle to socialize. I often find it hard to keep conversations going, and honestly, I sometimes feel bored even when I’m talking to people.

I suspect there's something there. It may be nothing, or it may be just a lack of maturity (nothing wrong with that, you're still young), or it may be a defense mechanism, or it may be a lack of empathy of some kind. There's a bit of a skill to really finding interest in other people. If you talk with someone long enough, you can usually find something interesting about them. But it can be a skill to build rapport and to have genuine empathy -- if you force it, you can sound "fake" or like you're interviewing them. I've had some friends who were great at this, they could hold a conversation with basically anyone, I'm not a natural but I just watched them often enough that I try to do what they did. You may want to look around for some kind of social skills training or counseling if that's available.

I’ve also faced rejection from women about 4-5 times in a row, which I know is mostly my fault because I come off as desperate or just don’t know what I’m doing.

There is so much benefit to having a platonic girfriend. Someone socially competent who you have zero interest in hooking up with but you're good friends with. Then you can say: I have no idea what I'm doing wrong, I went up to (whoever) and said (whatever) and I think I just came off as desperate! And then your platonic girlfriend will tell you what you're doing wrong.