No Stupid Questions

Purpose isn't something that is handed to you, it's something that each of us has to find/create for ourselves.

And true happiness isn't found by comparing yourself to others.

Its not a fair comparison. You only get to see their directors cut, but you see your own blooper reel.

Do we do that here? Do we make friends on this platform?

You don't sound autistic at all and even though you say you don't think it's depression, it really sounds like one to me.

First thing I'd try in your place would be to go to therapy. Seriously, it helps. And if nothing else, you'll get a more educated opinion on whether it's depression or something else.

All of the stuff sounds like a coping mechanism to avoid something traumatic. The good news is that 40 is far from old, you can still make meaningful connections with others. Don't give up!

Pick a hobby, literally anything.

Our brains want us to be productive, so it's likes doing something and seeing a result. Even the most inconsequential thing will stop your brain from freaking out.

If you also feel like you need more social interaction, a good hobby would be online videogames. Play something with voice chat and just be super helpful. Teammates want to do something stupid? Back em 100% and they'll be appreciative.

You went off on dating too, but it's 2024. Throw up an online profile here and there, but dont make it your priority like you can fix everything else by getting a partner. Fix the other stuff to make yourself a better person, and just make yourself available.

Don't try to fix everything with your life at once. You can (and should) work on multiple things, but pick one thing to focus, knock it down, and make a new priority. Basically don't try to fix your life, it's a giant task for anyone. Pick easy attainable goals that will improve your life, and knock them out one at a time to feel like.peogress is being made.

Nobody has a purpose in life. Belief that life has a purpose is a creationist delusion created to try and comprehend and apply order to what is intrinsically chaotic and random, and to fight the anxiety that their fears induce.

Your options are to choose one of the following:

1. Acceptance. You can accept that life is meaningless and that it's okay. This one's my preference.
2. Denial. You can deny life's meaninglessness and seek to find or create a purpose for yourself. This can range from something as simple as a hobby to as life changing as having a family or advocating for a cause.
3. Embrasure. Revel in the chaos and express yourself through it, doing whatever you want without thought it care. This is best exemplified by the fictional character of the Joker.
4. Oppression. Take up religion to crush understanding of reality and replace it with a delusion of supernaturally defined purpose. This is probably the most commonly used option, frequently forced upon people during childhood.
5. Opposition. Attempt to fight the reality or mask the effects of meaninglessness through other means, such as direct therapy, chemical dependency (not recommended), talking with friends/family, or through other methods not previously mentioned.

Understanding one's place in the universe (insignificant, irrelevant, and temporary speck) is important to having an accurate impression of ones existence. Whether one can accept that and what one do with that understanding is unique to the individual.

I hope that helps - good luck.

The problem, as I see it, is: You are rotating around yourself. All the time. Round and round.

Humans are made for relationships. Not just man-woman, but relationships in the most general sense.

You are not living any strong relationships, and therefore your life feels meaningless.

So, the solution is: start to invest your time into people. Nursing wasn't a bad start at all. But you do it for a job = for making money, so there's not much coming back to you.

My advice is:

Do something for people in such a way that nothing comes back to you. I'm not talking about money, but your time. It does not need to be much. But do it very regularly. That way you will be able to escape that rotating around yourself.

You are going to meet new people, and there will be some wonderful people among them. Some others, too, but you are strong enough not to get scared off easily.

I can't stress enough how helpful it would be for you to find a hobby and meet with people who also enjoy the same hobby. Do that, hands down. Good luck!

You are sharing very deep observations about yourself.

About your mother and her impact on you wanting to start a family, take a look at raisedbynarcicissts communities or speak to a therapist.

For friends connection, try joining a board game club in your area. They really don't care about autistic traits.

I'd recommend minimising the amount of commercial media you are viewing, and switch to mostly consuming open-licenced media for a while.

Audio books: librivox.org

Movies: vole.wtf/voleflix

Nursing, and care professions like teaching or ambulance drivers, can often be squeezed to rely on the compassion of the individuals in them. Do you have balance within your position. Is it time to retrain for something else at night-school? Or time to go to 3 or 4 days a week.

Take some pride, every single day nurses help people to stay alive.

The Stoic Reading app on FDroid may help you find some philosophy that motivates or solidifies a purpose.

Travel to a different town and meet random people, introduce yourself using your middle name. Invest nothing in making long term friends, just chat.

You actually sound quite aware of many things around you, finding opportunities for hobbies or artistic endeavours, where you do not overthink things, would help.

Remember that everyone is doing their best with what they know, and to let some things go.

All the best for your future.

I think you should get a roommate. Worst case scenario you make an enemy. Most likely scenario is you become more tolerant of others and save some money. Just be clear about boundaries up front.

If it makes you feel better, most people have no idea what they actually want and just follow whatever has been put in front of them.

You might try meetups around a hobby that you're into (or interested in learning about). I always suggest boardgaming because it's a relatively casual atmosphere for meeting people around an activity. There's no pressure to carry on a conversation and you're not dating these people, just meeting strangers for gaming. You usually still have to talk about the game and rules as you're playing, so it gives you something in common to talk about. The rules provide structure if you're socially awkward, so it's maybe not as chaotic as just going to a party with a bunch of people there and trying to carry on random conversations. Meetup.com is what I've tried before and that worked well for me in my area (results may vary).

That's just something to get you out of the house, pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone seems like the first thing you'd want to try doing. Getting out and meeting new people can help sometimes. It sounds like you're in a rut, just sort of bored with everything, or at least wanting something more. Otherwise, maybe pick some sort of hobby or interest maybe you've though about before and just throw yourself into it if you have the time and/or money. Learn something new. Start an exercise routine or just start going on extended (30min) walks around your neighborhood. Start volunteering somewhere. Write in a journal. Just do something that's not part of your typical routine that sparks some new mental connections for you.

And even though you don't feel depressed, what you're describing still could be a sign of depression, so reaching out for support is always an option that you shouldn't feel ashamed of or anything.

Just throwing some stuff out there as ideas, but I hope everything works out well for you.

I suggest donating your time or skills to helping others in some way. It doesn't have to be a great endeavor, especially because I am sure nursing and taking care of people is emotionally draining.

I started assistant coaching a local kids' sports team that had very little funding. Turns out that it was incredibly rewarding to work with kids and watch them grow. I also found friends in other coaches who had similar interests to me. We could always commiserate over complaining about waking up early for practice or certain kids that were difficult, and friendships grew from there.

Maybe kids aren't your cup of tea. But I have always gotten a seratonin boost from helping other people. That might be an easy place start. Aside from that, maybe a hobby that requires you to interact with others. The first thing that pops into my head is glass blowing, because there is a shop in my town. You can take a class with other people, if you hate it then it wasn't too expensive of a trial because they have all the equipment. If you like it then you can participate more with the shop. Something along those lines?

After doing research on solutions I found that many people benefit from volunteering and joining groups.

The ability to look into other people's needs and glean some joy from solving social issues is usually overlooked by modern society.

Also, people with religions tend to take delivery of life's goals. They accept the social bindings that find them.

Allow people to seek you out, and take intrigue and curiosity from what is happening. Obey the social contract and get beyond the niceties of not really accepting people into your life.

If you're surrounded by streets full of bums you could see it as your challenge to work with them, rally against their terrible choices, or escape them.

Experiment with meaning. Take them all out for lunch. Throw a street party for them. Hire a bus and take them somewhere. Teach them how to live again.

Accept your reality and it might accept you back!

I don't have a general answer for you, but I did want to say that you should not rule out depression as a major component of what's going on with you. I have a genetically-based cyclic depression that's been with me more than four decades. Despite that, I have managed to remain employed. It has sometimes been very difficult, but it is possible to remain somewhat functional even when severely depressed. I have had to change jobs a few times because of it, but I've been able to make a steady living.

Depression can leave you with very little energy or volition, but very little is different from none. The worse it gets, the more you have to focus on your most critical necessities, which is not pleasant, but it can keep you going. Small victories like that can actually help counteract it. I think a lot of depression is "living to fight another day".

If you do have depression, there are many things you can try. Therapy, medication, exercise, meditation, mindfullness, support groups, volunteering, hobbies, etc. Start by talking with a doctor.

I wish you the best!

What do you do to take care of yourself? Not treat yourself, but take care of yourself?

First:

No, you don't need a purpose, and your lifestyle sounds ok, if you were enjoying it (I think plenty of people would) but a couple of things stick out to me. One, you are avoiding romantic attachment - if any women are attracted to you, you are not unattractive or too awkward or whatever - you are really not attracted to any women who find you attractive? Or your brain rejects them because you subconsciously think you cannot possibly be attractive so there has to be something wrong with them?

Two, you do honestly sound depressed. It doesn't have to mean so catatonic you can't make it to work, it can mean going through the motions of life without feeling anything.

I suggest reading the book Running on Empty by Dr. Jonice Webb. Maybe it will explain some things. (Or maybe it won't. I'm no expert.)

ETA: The drama-queen mother and the "something is missing and I don't know what" feeling make me think it will.)

Find a shop sells games like Dungeons & Dragons or Magic: the Gathering, stuff like that.

Even if you don't play, you have a high chance of crossing paths with nerds (autistic folk, if you will). This could give you human connection in your life.

Near as I can tell, that's the only god damn reason to be on this Earth. Hang out with other humans.

Do you have any hobbies, no matter how obscure? That's often a great gateway to meet people with a shared interest. If you don't have one, look for nearby homeless shelters / churches. They often have volunteer programs where you can do anything from feeding the homeless, to helping pick up trash, etc. This work tends to be very fulfilling because you can cause a positive impact in the area that you live in. You will probably also meet a person or two while doing this.

People love to talk about themselves, so if you do manage to chat someone up at one of these events, ask them about their life. Try to steer the questions towards one that don't have a yes/no answer, and keep engaging them and asking follow up questions. Making acquaintances is basically as easy as that. Do that long enough and you'll have more than one friend.

TLDR: Find people with shared interests; engage them in conversation. Repeat until friend[s] acquired. Easy as that.

Hidden Brain had a good episode "Why You Feel Empty" Aug. 6, 2024. "We all know what it feels like to be sad" ... "We also know what it feels like to be joyful and happy" ... "Sociologist Corey Keyes says lots of us live in an emotional netherworld that falls between these two poles, we are not depressed but still feel unfulfilled." Anyway, I saved it cause it stuck with me because I've been languishing for a while as well. Give it a listen let me know what you think.

I am similar, though for me I'd say it's more of a personality disorder (SzPD) which also makes socialization a dilemma (it's a term). Though I live somewhere without much to do (+no public transportation), particularly because I have no interest in driving.

Though I lack skills/money, plus have untreated health issues and likely depression.

Best advice I have received: make a small change in any direction that would have a positive outcome if you succeeded. Set a goal, any goal, professionally, personally, socially etc. make it specific, measurable, and write down your experience. Break it into steps and if a step is too hard break that step into smaller ones.

There can be many mental health disorders that are functional illnesses. Many with chronic illness can actually live a regular life and no one would know what they have going on. It doesn't mean it is not serious or debilitating. Mild depression is a thing, so is mild bipolar, mild schizophrenia or high functioning.

That being said the phenomenon you are describing is common nowadays without it being a mental illness. I haven't met someone who hasn't at least once in their life questioned their choices or felt lost about what to do next or how to do it.

There are many jobs you can do with a bachelor's in any major. Most are office based. Some can be more hands on.

That being said not all comparisons are a thief of joy. There is a concept in DBT called the ACCEPTS acronym. One of the Cs is Comparison. But a positive one. For you. Compare yourself to someone in a lesser or more distressing situation. Or to a time when you, yourself were in a worse rut, if possible. This is also a form of cognitive reframing.

38 is still young. Plus 30s and 40s are where a midlife crisis can occur. Don't go to clubs for friends unless you already know someone there. Try more neutral settings like a small class, group, volunteering, or a place where you would be alongside people with a common goal or interest. A lot more potential to find not so good connections in a bar or a club.

I agree it is hard to connect especially being an introvert myself. But you don't need friends you just need one friend. There isn't one set way to do it. Smaller settings with less people work and more opportunities to connect. Less social competition. Sometimes it is just a conversation with a neighbor that sparks something you might have in common. Then you or them invites the other to do something or show another something etc. It happens organically, gradually and unexpectedly.

Upsticks and leave. Whereever you are you can probaly go and do wha you do somewhere else. I would pick a whole other country, you could pick ones that align with your interests like philosophy and cooking - places where there is history or active communities in those spaces.

As for making friends, join clubs. Start running, playing board games, cold water swimmimg, etc.

If you are looking for purpose and you don't mecessarily care about money you could make a huge impact in charitable works. If you don't like human contact you could volunteer with animals.

You are at a crossroads in that you feel jilted and stuck but in reality you have nothing keeping you in one place. If you save 70% of your earnings for multiple years you are in a position to just stop working while you figure it out. You are in a position to take a pay cut and find something you enjoy.

I know a few people who were in similar spots and one became a data analyst for a charity - less hours and he can see changes being made by his hand - and the other travels to meet the elderly to record and archive their memories for posterity.

You could do absolutely anything.

I've found that the world is indifferent to your existence so I've take the "we're here for a good time, not a long time" approach. I enjoy traveling/seeing what the world has to offer. It can be super fun immersing yourself in different cultures. Then I go back home and escape in fiction however I can from books, tv, movies, video games. I work out, challenge myself, learn languages, have hobbies that I find joy and meaning in. I just do and surround myself with things that make me happy. Get a dog or cat, they're awesome company! that's all i've got. I'm feeling pretty down lately too due to personal circumstance but I take "me time" very seriously.

If you aren’t uncomfortable you can’t change. But first you have to want to want it. You aren’t really living paycheck to paycheck if you have a healthy savings however, it may be time to move somewhere where you can afford to live for longer and enjoy your nursing career, it’s a noble one after all.

Making and keep friends / lovers is much harder especially if you’re successful financially and career wise. I’d try to find a hobby in the psychology world online. There’s plenty of like minds out there that share the passion. If you want true friends you need to let them not be perfect. Have a great deal of grace and humility with coworkers. Same with finding a mate, even more so.

Good luck, it sounds like you’re doing a lot of things a healthy way.

My advice is to enroll in a community college acting class and really throw yourself into it. Worked wonders for me, in fact it turned my whole life around. I didn't become a professional actor but it changed how I look at everything. Take job interviews - I reframed them as not being job interviews, I already work there, I've been away on a sabbatical or something and it's my first day back. Think how great it will be to see everybody again! It's a fantastic group, we all like each other, the manager is awesome... so I get into that character and when I walk in I'm genuinely glad to be there and everybody feels it - not the formal politeness of a typical super-nervous applicant, instant comfort level and 100% culture fit. There are lots more ways acting experience benefited me - one was the almost instant social life. Rehearsals, going out for pizza, cast parties, other parties, dating - theatre women are a blast, and tbh a straight guy doing theatre is golden. I went from overanxious introverted computer nerd to sociable, confident, dare-I-say Man About Town, puttin' on the Ritz.

edit: regarding age - I started in my late 20s but late 30s is totally fine. Most of the students were early 20s, people who had gone to work right after high school for a few years and had gone back to school. But there were people older than myself. There may or may not be people there your age in a particular class, but it doesn't matter. When you're doing a character you aren't who you are anyway. So don't let that hold you back.

it depends a lot on your character, but humans don't necessarily need friends. friends have pros and cons. however, if you are convinced you need a friend: you make them by doing activities, helping each other out or having similar interests. for example, you could learn how to sail or canoe or join a knitting or pottery course. Talk to the other participants. Find out a few things that don't make them uncomfortable talking about. Then afterwards, you linger a bit and try to find someone to go to a bar (you don't need to drink alcohol; it's just for bonding), karaoke or dance in a club. On another day, ask them to go bowling or go to tge cinema and talk about the movie afterwards. There is something in human nature, that if person A helps person B with a small thing, person A will start feeling a bond. So, let them buy you a cola or bring them a funny hat or so to start mutual bonding.

Psychedelics.

Yes they are not for everyone, but they sure as hell are for me.