No Stupid Questions

TLDR: be happy to be alone, truly and genuinely. then it won't matter if you find a partner, but you will be able to choose them with a clear mind if you do.

I'm basically a complete flip of you physically but I had the same problem for a loooooooooong time. I'm a tall, strong, heavy woman, and all i kept hearing was "you're beautiful, I just don't want someone taller/stronger/heavier than me". I totally get it, I didn't want to be taller/stronger/heavier than my partner either. But I'm like Fezzik- "it's not my fault I'm the biggest and the strongest, I don't even exercise". except I did do cardio to try to slim down, I'm just built to survive famine I guess. ¯⁠\⁠(⁠◉⁠‿⁠◉⁠)⁠/⁠¯

What I didn't understand was the ones who said they just wanted to be friends, because i just wasn't their type, but would happily be fuck buddies, so long as we kept it hush hush. ಠ⁠ಗ⁠ಠ

Anyway, eventually after a bunch of very bad attempts at relationships where I took way more BS than I should have because I was just that hungry for affection, I decided I was just better off being single forever. I couldn't seem to find a decent person who was attracted to me both physically and intellectually, so I decided to just stop looking. Not just stop looking, stop wanting. I actively wanted to be single for the rest of my life, in large part because I was just tired of the pain of being lonely. Like, "Jesus titty fucking Christ, we're gonna cry ourselves to sleep because we're SOOOO sad we're alone AGAIN?! FFS, JUST STAHP!" So I stopped wanting a partner. I found I had so much more time and energy to do the things I was passionate about when I wasn't futzing with all that stuff. I became the queen of getting shit done, remodeled my house myself, landscaped my yard, built a garden, went to the gym regularly, did weight lifting till I maxed out all the leg machines at the gym, and got close to maxing some of the upper body ones too. I was happy being single. I WANTED to be single. I craved my free time, the peace i found in solitude was better by orders of magnitude than any of the toxic relationships I'd clung to in the past.

After about two and a half years of that, a long time friend/ acquaintance started coming to me for massage ( I'm a deep tissue massage therapist with a focus on injury recovery and pain relief) and we would just talk throughout the sessions. Politics, philosophy, movies, anime, music, goals, food... Just everything. Eventually, after we'd just spent two more hours talking in the car after the two hours talking in the session, he said "Sooo.... you know I'm flirting with you sometimes, right?" I turned him down. I said, more or less, "I'm happy single, I've had such a garbage time dating that I can't pretend I'm not a decent part of the problem. I value our friendship and don't want to hurt your feelings, and I'm not NOT attracted to you, I just don't want to date ever again." He was completely chill, said "no worries, no is no even if you're attracted to me too. if you ever change your mind, let me know." And he dropped it, never brought it up again.... And fuck if that wasn't the sexiest thing I've ever seen. We kept being friends and talking and spending time together, talking about goals and wants and life plans and we found that our wants and goals in life were so in line it was uncanny. Importantly, neither of us wanted to get married, neither of us wanted kids, neither of us wanted to live with a partner ever again... It seemed like I could keep my peace, my space, my autonomy, AND have a partner who cared about my mind and emotions while also finding me wildly attractive. So we talked about what dating would look like and agreed to try it. It's been 2.5 years so far and I've never been happier in a relationship. I still think if we stopped being romantically involved I'd probably prefer to go back to staying single, but I'm happy with him as a partner.

I tell you the whole story, kinda long and rambling as it is, because I don't think I could have found a happy relationship if I had continued to want one with the same frantic energy as I had previously. I don't think I would have been a person who could be as open and honest as I was with who I was if I'd still wanted a partner when we started to really get to know each other. I don't think I was a whole person when I was looking for my "other half" and I don't know if you can really find a good match if you're not a whole entire person on your own. If I could distill the idea down to it's core, I think it would be: be happy to be alone, truly and genuinely. then it won't matter if you find a partner, but you will be able to choose them with a clear mind if you do.

Therapy. Also focusing on your hobbies and filling your life with joys that don't focus on a datemate. But definitely therapy.

"I'm not so into skinny guys" sounds like an excuse, if you are getting it a lot I think there is something else going on here, not all women even have a type and some surely like skinny guys, some of the hottest men I've been with were so skinny, it can be a very attractive look on a man.

Since you say it's your own standards, what do you mean? Do you think you are sort of batting out of your league looks-wise? You are already dancing so your body is probably in good shape, is there anything else that makes you think you are not physically attractive? May I ask how old you are?

You are outgoing and social, perhaps try practicing flirting? Like, without trying to take it any further?

It’s a been a long long time since I was dating, anyone who turns you down and says “sorry you’re too thin” is best avoided to say the least.

In fact I’m having a difficult time believing you keep hearing it, because it’s so rude.

Your comments are only about appearance, and thus shallow. Have you tried shifting focus to people rather than what they appear to be at first glance?

Agreeing with others. Enjoy being alone, enjoy having fun what you want to do, and masturbate. Life has a funny way of working out when you stop giving a fuck and focus on enjoying life.

Much of the advice in this thread is either "Do xyz and you'll have better chances!" or "It's ok to be unattractive, it doesn't mean you're bad! Feel better!". But that doesn't answer your question.

It hurts, a lot, to not have intimacy for extended periods. It can burn, it can ache, and it can be a slow, subtle sort of pain. It can give rise to bitterness, as you call out, and to anger, sadness, listlessness, frustration.

Why don't you want to be bitter? It's a painful thing that is happening to you. That feeling isn't wrong, it's telling you something. If you feel a lot of pain and then suddenly stop feeling pain, that is very bad - it usually means you're dying or your nerves are damaged. There's no quick fix or silver bullet that will allow you to hold this like an old stoic, it's just a lot of work.

There's three places you can intervene: thoughts, words, and actions.

Thoughts are where this starts. If you don't have bitter thoughts you won't have bitter speech or actions. When you have bitter thoughts, just let them be. Don't spiral - feeling bitter about intimacy isn't great, but feeling bad about feeling bitter strengthens both, and it feeds itself from there. When you notice yourself spiraling or wallowing, just stop. Find a distraction or will yourself better or whatever, just don't let it feed itself. Meditation might help if this mental action is difficult. If you can find a positive channel for these emotions (which is quite hard to find), use it!

Speech is the first layer where this can affect others, but it's significantly lower stakes than actions. Generally, be conscientious. People can't willingly un-know things so be careful with what you share. Don't vent unless someone willingly signs up for it (which you can ask friends to do!). Don't put this out like it's a problem for someone else to fix or the worst thing that ever happened. It sucks, but it is manageable - you are managing it. When you make mistakes, point and call them. Say out loud "I did/said xyz, that was a mistake because abc, sorry, next time I'll do/say mno instead." This helps make a memory for you and others so you actually fix things and opens the door for feedback.

Actions will hopefully only come into this positively. Do the things that make good thoughts and speech easier. Learn to recognize how frustration and anger and bitterness feel in your body so that you can better notice+control them in the moment, and so that you can physically release that tension/sensation. If you feel urges to hurt others or yourself seek therapy.

It sucks. It hurts a lot in ways that many don't understand or sympathize with. And it is itself a significant barrier to intimacy. I haven't figured it all out myself, but I hope this helps. Good luck.

Here's the thing about people......every one of them is different. You could be white, and find a girl who only dates black guys. You could be black, and a girl only dates white guys. You could be fat, skinny, or muscular. And you could run into the girl that doesn't mesh well with your type.

I once saw a guy with nazi tattoos, and he had a nazi girlffiend. I told them they could go fuck themselves. They laughed it off, but I wasn't joking.

Point is, if you think of yourself as not getting dates because you're skinny, find the girls who like the skinny guys. If a nazi can get a date, so can you. You just gotta find the right crowd. I know two girls who likes red headed irishmen with freckles. But I bet somewhere out there is a red headed irishman who thinks theres no girls for him because he has too many freckles. Little does he know he's a panty dropper with these two specifically.

Find your person!

Do YOU love yourself for who you are? Do you accept yourself and all your imperfections? Is there anything you are not happy with about yourself that you can change?

This is all that matters. Stop trying to push things and appreciate what you have. If there is something about yourself that you can change, then change it. Otherwise, stop worrying about what others think and learn to love yourself.

When you figure this out and learn this, everything else will follow. How can others love you, if you don't even love yourself?

Well, it sounds like you're going after women out if your league because you think they're attractive and that's a valid choice. But it is a choice you're making. It sounds like you could have intimacy if you lowered your standards or increased you attractiveness (gym etc). Or you could abandon dating to not have to face rejections.

So I think the key to avoid bitterness is to reevaluate if the choice you are making still works for you if it brings up bitterness. Then you can either stay with your choice or switch, if you don't think any other option brings less negative feelings.

And if you choose the best option for you, there's no need for bitterness.

Understand its not your fault and you shouldnt blame the world. Everyone goes through this at some point (esp guys) - be it skinny, fat, coloured or not, tall or short. Everyone has their preferences.

Giving up on actively finding a girlfriend is probably the best thing to do in your situation - but not out of spite - some women find an attractiveness in someone who has fun in their own presence. People want to be a part of that joy. Being bitter will only drive away friends and potential relationships.

With that said, do your own thing. If being skinny bothers you (and you alone, not what anyone else thinks), hit the gym and eat more? Try more activites either solo or with friends. Maybe even some extreme sports which a partner would otherwise not join you in. Just enjoy life and someone will come. I know people who found relationships in the most unexpected of times and places.

I understand theres an inch in the intimate department that cant be scratched with just normal friendships but idk, resist tbe urge or find other outputs to bring your urges back down enough so you can just be you and comfortable

In addition to the advice already given, I would suggest you look at mental attractiveness as well as physical attractiveness. Physical attractiveness can be a ton of fun but then when you actually start living with the person if they aren't mentally attractive/compatible with your personality then they can be really hard to live with. Look for someone genuine and kind and into the same sort of things you are.

What do your woman friends say?

I used to be very skinny, like 58 kgs at 186. I met my wife when I was 18 and she loves skinny dudes 😂

Regardless, I did feel self conscious about my skininess because I was bullied for it in school. I've both accepted myself, but I also gained about 15kg of muscle by doing starting strength. I'm by no means ripped, but I do feel like I carry myself with more confidence and that goes a long way.

Also, my dude, take this from someone in a 20 year relationship... Looks are neat and all, but finding someone you can actually stand, spend a lot of time and plan a life with is a significantly more worthwhile trait to pursue.

“celibate by virtue of my own standards” … I was not aware I belonged to a club which viral acronym does not exist yet

You've got to cast that shit out my man. Bitterness is a poison and will only turn you on yourself or others. I'm not in that situation but you have to look at things as if you haven't met the right one yet. I won't tell you to lower your standards but maybe consider trying to find the beauty of a person in a different light. Their intelligence, humor, mannerisms, there's so many aspects of people to hate and appreciate.

Look at it this way, it's hard to meet people these days. You go to parties, and find people that go to parties. You get on any dating sites? Chat rooms?

My guess is, that you keep talking to the wrong women or you try to advance into a relationship too fast

In my experience, both women and men can and often do see past the physical outer and see the personality behind. The appearance is, as you say, the catalyst for initial attraction but if you keep at it, and maybe continue talking with people they should be able to see past their requirement of you not being skinny. If not, they may be using it as an excuse for not really feeling the convection. If they indeed like you as a person but not your body, then you are probably better off without them.

Also remember. No rellationship, is better than being in a bad rellationship. We all need to go through relationship's to get better at being in one but there is no reason to look for one just to have one. It needs to be with the right person and looks play a pretty small part in this, in the long run

I don't believe that most women don't like skinny guys. That's likely just BS. I have no idea what kind of girls OP is asking out. Maybe he's asking the super hot biddy girls who only wanna date bros from the jersey shore? No idea. But that just doesn't seem accurate. Perhaps the girls really have another reason and are trying to come up with an excuse. I have no idea.

OP, if you wanna put on a little muscle mass without getting super into weight lifting, just do pushups/planks/other easy shit every day whenever you have a free minute. Merely doing that will add some muscle definition and make you appear a bit less skinny. You'll notice some obvious results after a few months. You don't have to go ham into weight lifting, unless you want to.

Also, you may have a fast metabolism OP. If so, you'll be fucking happy when you're older and all of your friends are fat - and you're still skinny ;-).

Most people's body will change as they age. I haven't met many who don't age or never get injured or both. Selecting a partner primarily based on their current appearance means you are using criteria suitable only for short term relationships.

Eat more good food and lift some weights to gain muscle mass. You don’t have to be one of those giant dudes but a bit of definition goes a long way. It’ll also help prevent you from being frail when you’re older. I’d like to continue opening jars and carrying my own groceries for as long as possible. There are a lot of health benefits, and you don’t even need to go to the gym if you get adjustable weights and a multipurpose bench. I’ve been doing exactly this and I’m up 40 lbs and look better. I’m still a tall lanky dude at 6’3”, but I’m not nearly as skinny (165->205lbs).

Sounds to me like your standard is just too high. How attractive do they have to be that you consider them?

I'm going to take a different approach. It's not that the general advice on focusing internally is bad. To the contrary, it's the best advice. But there's other things to do as well to help mitigate what I call "serial rejection response".

People tend to think that their attraction standards can't change. But they do, constantly, for plenty. They change as we age, as our perspective shifts as we gain experiences, or even just by repeated exposure to other standards.

Now, I'm going to venture into some shaky territory here, so be aware that there is disagreement in published information about some of this.

There are multiple things that go into attraction. They one thing that seems universal is symmetry. The more symmetric the face and body are, the more likely people are to find it attractive. It's a pretty objective standard too, with not much room for interpretation.

However, there's also signs of health and viability as a possible mate. That's where you run into the first thing that can shift. We don't actually have a great ability to read health visually. And there's subjectiveness inherent in what is and isn't considered healthy, and that can change easily.

A common example of that is acne. Not everyone views is as sign of bad health, but some do. It's also something that is more common in teen and young adult stages. When you're younger, and everyone around you is more prone to acne, you tend to filter it out because it's so common, we just don't see it as a flaw in every case. And there's gradations as to how severe acne is before an individual detects it as a negative rather than the norm.

Body build is obviously the same kind of thing. It's a subjective, and largely subconscious, "template" that gets built up over time to filter other people into categories of "possible mate" and "nah". But the very fact that it not only builds over time, but can change later in life as we're exposed to more variety, means that it's something that can be adapted to.

Now, you can actually consciously change what you're attracted to, though it isn't easy, and takes time. This would expand the pool of attraction to give better chances of mutual attraction.

But, once you realize that the vast majority of people don't know it can change, and that they're just drifting along responding to stimuli they don't even understand, it means you don't need to worry about it as much. It becomes a matter of patience in finding someone, or shifting closer to the local norm of what is and isn't attractive (and there is a large degree of it that is very local, down to town size and smaller; you'll find people at different schools in the same county having different standards as a group).

This helps remove any bitterness because, once the idea is internalized, you know that not only is it not you being unattractive at all (and everyone is attractive in some way, even if it's very limited), it's just not the right time and/or place. It's a crappy hand to be dealt, but not an insurmountable one.

You'd be amazed how just moving to another town can radically change how much attraction you receive. Just changing neighborhoods can do it in decent sized cities or towns.

I promise you, plenty of girls and women like extra skinny guys, the same way plenty like dad bods, massive muscles, trim athletic builds, or chubby to obese bodies. It's all about where and when you are. You, exactly as you are now, may find that women shift towards your body type as you age. Or you might not, but be aware that it isn't universal or permanent inherently. A super thin guy in his twenties is running around asking out women roughly in the same age group most of the time, and that could be a grouping that's locally only into dad bods as a majority. But they get older and change too, so you run into the ones that shift towards your type.

And, obviously, not only will your tastes change over time whether you want it or not, you could start work on finding the attractive qualities in a wider range of women. People think of this, and talk of this, as "lowering standards", but that's bullshit. That way of thinking assumes that any given set of standards is right solely because the person using the term thinks their standards are better. And, again, that's bullshit.

As an example of that, if I dig thicc ladies, but have no luck with them, it isn't lowering my standards to date someone that's model skinny, it's just a different standard. If I didn't like that kind of body type, I would have to work at seeing the good parts to change the "template" in my head that says attractive or not. I'm lucky in that I've never really had a type, but I do have greater or lesser attraction to different types. I have successfully changed that over time though, multiple times, partially just to see if I could.

Seriously, do a little thought experiment here. Find someone you don't find attractive that's with someone. Ask yourself what they see in them. Then look for it, because I promise you it's there. They're using their internal template, probably without thinking, and found a match to it. Once you start realizing that there are things in people you aren't attracted to that are attractive anyway, you start to look at looks in a new way.

This is getting long, so I won't bore you with anecdotes about my own life and how this works. But I will end with something to think about. Ever know an old couple? The kind that sum still kiss and hug, and make googoo eyes at each other, call each other beautiful and handsome. They exist. And they are attracted to each other, and likely always have been despite the fact that neither of them would have been attracted to the other fifty years prior.

Remember that, and you never need be bitter.

Consider just going on a date with someone you wouldn't normally have if you're in a dry spell. Helps you figure out your preferences in a relationship beyond physical appearance.

Cast a wider net. Maybe the place you are in is too small for you. Save up money and travel to inexpensive places. Focus on your happiness, it will be obvious to others and make you more appealing.

Building on a sibling comment about loving yourself. I only got there in 2019. My world changed when I achieved this. Therapy was how I got there. It took many years. Find a therapist you trust. It might not be the first one. My average (across decades) is one that I trust for every two that I meet (one relocation and one therapist retired, so three total that I trust). I never thought I'd become who I am and I'm eternally grateful for the outcome.