No Stupid Questions

I really struggle with this, too. If I have a nasty confrontation with someone, it can eat at me for days. Sometimes weeks. Logically I know I'm being foolish. Emotions are tough, though, and not logical.

Sometimes venting about it with a supportive friend or family member can really help. Hearing someone else validate your feelings can help you move on.

Distraction also works. I try to immerse myself in a book, movie, game, whatever. If I can forget the incident for a while, it has far less power the next time I think about it. Laughing about how dumb and petty it was can totally disarm it. Once you get to that place.

Therapy can help with this sort of stuff, too. But therapy is expensive. And I think most therapists have better things to tackle than some petty dispute I had with a coworker or neighbor.

The worst ones for me are the situations where I was the bad guy. Or I was the idiot who ended up getting myself hurt through my own bad decisions. One of those still haunts me, over 30 years later. I can forget about it, sometimes for years, but then it will pop back up in some way. I think it's just, unfortunately, part of being human.

Try not to beat yourself up over these lingering thoughts. Everyone has them to some degree. Learning to let go of such baggage is a life skill that takes constant practice.

Revenge usually does the trick.

Experience all the emotions dude

You're allowed to let those emotions flow through you. Yell and hit something inanimate if your mad. Cry if your sad. Let those thoughts come. And then let those emotions go

All those bad times were lessons you had to learn one way or another. Those lessons should hopefully help you never make those same mistakes or hang around those types of people. Life teaches the hard way unfortunately

But yeah, I used to repress my emotions cause that's what a big football player is supposed to do. I had to be a rock and no matter what just bottle it all up. But I've been able to be a better rock for others by letting myself cry it out when I need to.

Lastly, I wouldn't say I forgave all those who have wronged me. Nor have I forgotten. But I guess it's like a really good song I just heard. The first dozen or so times I listen to it I'm completely focused and the song just sounds diffrent cause it's fresh in my mind or whatever. But then I let the song play a bunch, maybe even twice in a row here and there cause I'm so focused on it. But then one day the song just isn't a good for some reason. It's kinda like that but with shitty situations.

Idk I'm not a therapist lol

From "Verissimus", a comic about the Stoic philosopher and Roman Emperor, Marcus Aurelius: https://imgur.com/a/FlvGJGT (my apologies for the first two pages being out of order).

There is a section about the Greek philosopher, Epictetus', teachings about anger. My favorite two are "Being unlike your enemies is the best form of revenge," and "Goodwill is a virtue, the opposite of revenge, the desire to help rather than harm our fellow man. So replace your anger with its antidote: kindness."

Write a long thorough letter that you don’t send. It worked for me with a friend who was awful to me for a year. Beauty think about him anymore.

Thinking about what hurt them. Being glad I am not them. That's about it, really. I guess also in these particular situations you can be glad you don't work/live there anymore, would you really want to be there if the boss was treating your coworker that way?

I had to do cognitive behavioral therapy to defeat cycles much like that. Fortunately, if you're not in a position to have a professional help you with that, it can be self practiced. The biggest take away is allowing yourself time to process it, so it doesn't occupy your mind when you're trying to do something important like driving or sleeping. Write out the angry thoughts and reflect on them, why its impractical and how you're putting yourself at risk for little to no gain. Match each negative thought with something positive if you can help it. Sure this person fucked you over, but you got to play a cool game with a buddy. They don't need to be connected but try to force yourself to spend equal or greater time on good experiences as much as your mind is trying to drag you into the gutters. Regret is one of the more powerful emotions you'll experience and you don't need to cause yourself unnecessary burdens. If you feel you're a risk to yourself or others, please seek out professional help. This isn't medical advice, just myself reflecting on my own experiences. I'm told this service is pretty decent. https://www.betterhelp.com/

It’s quite rational for you to feel angry towards people who seemingly went out of their way to wrong you. One thing that helps me is contemplating the inner existence of that type of person. It must be awful to walk around without a teaspoon of empathy. To walk around disconnected from basic humanity. To find pleasure in hurting others. What a cold existence.

Although I am an atheist, if I am wrong, I am fairly certain they are going to hell.

Do you have a release for emotions period? Burn out the anger with a crazy workout and intense playlist. Write about it poetry style or otherwise. Buy a punching bag.

people who hurt me in the past

The pain is inside you now.

Not in them. You can't give it back to them.

Even the best revenge (if you are maybe thinking about revenge) is not going to relieve the pain inside you - it would only create new, additional pain.

Forgiving is the way to go. And I'm not saying that it is easy, just saying that it is the way to go. Forgiving means to let them go free. Give up any wish for revenge. Decide that you are not going to bring it up against them anymore. Ever. Let go of the bad thoughts and then you can let go of the bad feelings too.

Make sure that you know (maybe tell someone, or write it down in a long letter that does not need to be sent) all of it when you try to forgive. It means, when you decide to let go, you rethink (only this one time) all that has happened and all the feelings it has caused - especially for this purpose of letting it go. And then you can let go.

And then this will set you free.

I got revenge for them having fucked with me. Unfortunately, once I calmed down I realized that as a result of my actions I had burned a bridge that in retrospect, I'd have rather not burned.

So now I try to think really hard about whether someone deserves the way I treat them.

I'd encourage you to think about these events as you would a physical injury. A physical injury can hurt for a long time and no amount of recognition or "processing" or "getting over it" can short-cut the all-too-slow healing that needs to take place. It's no fun and there's no way to just make it go away.

That said, you can do things that care for the injury while it is healing. I don't know what these are for you, but for me, I needed to recognize that the people I was angry at were also instrumental in helping me advance.

For example, I had a string of terrible jobs with bad bosses, but that string of terrible jobs led me to someplace that I am very happy to work. Once I realized this, it started getting easier to recognize both that the way I was treated was wrong and that I was also glad that these people were essential to me get to where I am. Even so, it was a long process and physically painful. My anger towards these people did nothing to hurt them, but it was terrible on my health.

I'm sorry you had to experience these things, but I hope they eventually lead you to someplace better.

Say things like "That's it, you're on the List" and walk away muttering nonsense.

Being hurt doesn't make me angry, it makes me hurt. I really only get angry about things in the future, not things in the past. Sorry that's not helpful to you.

I rarely get angry at anyone, which, sadly, means I didn't gain the skills to deal with it very well. Thus, if someone DOES make me angry, it can linger for YEARS. The record so far is some 50 years with my parents' abuse, followed by a few friends' betrayal as a teen (separate incidents). I have about half a dozen incidents where I have been seriously fucked over by people I trusted, and hate my continued anger over it more than I hate the event itself.

I found, however, patience has its own reward. If you're the type of person who really fucks me over, and it's definitely not my fault, eventually your behavior will fuck yourself in other ways. I don't "get revenge" like some cartoon, but years later, I'll find out, "Yeah, that asshole? After her did that thing to you that took you years to get over, his super-special kid went to jail, his wife left him, his business tanked, and last anyone heard, he's living with him mom (whom he despised) in his 50s with zero prospects for his future." If you fucked me over, but it's partially or wholly my fault, then, well, I deserved it. Sometimes I make mistakes, like screw someone's lie over by revealing a secret I didn't know was a secret. I try super super super hard not to do that, even if I hate their guts, or the lie needs to be told for some esoteric moral bullshit (like cheating on his wife I didn't know he had). But I try to keep my nose clean. I try not to gossip when I can help it. This also helps to know "I did my best, given what I knew."

I'm really lucky in that I learned "what goes around comes around" at a relatively early age.

When I was 16/17, the main bully from my secondary school died. He'd taken a car to go joyriding and lost control when being chased by the police.

As I've gotten older, I've learnt that, while it can sometimes take a long time, people who treat other people badly get what's coming to them more often than not.

yoga

distance running

weightlifting

skydiving

stuff like that. I kid you not, it will make all the bullshit everyone has ever done to you, melt away because you are better and awesomer than any of their bullshit.

And you can also file legal proceedings against them to sue their asses for destroying your life.

Try some self parenting. If you were four years old, what would you want the best parent to say to you if they learned that you were thinking of this?

Said another way, what would you tell your kid if they were dwelling on something like this?

When I first got going in law I had a judge lay into me one day and I left there questioning all my life choices. I realized the dude didn't know but a small part of my life, was not and could not make any real judgments about who or what I am, and the guy is probably an asshole to his family and his kids hate him.

Personally I imagine what shitty unforfilling lives they must have to be the way they are. Then I aim to outlive them. Outlive them life span wise, in happiness, in forfillment, goals, and everything!

I don't believe in heaven but I need to believe in hell. - Anon

It's not easy but all you're doing by dwelling on it is giving them more opportunities to hurt you. Learn to talk yourself down when it starts taking over your head space.

Be active. Do something like exercise or find a hobby to distract yourself from the pain or bad memories. And yes, people say this one all the time, but it's true.

Drugs

murder