this post was submitted on 17 Jun 2024
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Microblog Memes

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[–] [email protected] 271 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (8 children)

A guy came into the ER with a teacup up his ass.

The doctor asked how it happened.

The doctor said, in the writing where I was reading about this whole event: “What followed was a long and startling story that I immediately regretted asking for.”

[–] betterdeadthanreddit 155 points 1 month ago (1 children)

See, this is why it's important to buy teacups with flared bases.

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[–] [email protected] 98 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (4 children)

yeah right, he was probably cleaning the kitchen, slipped and fell on it, just like everyone else.

[–] [email protected] 78 points 1 month ago (1 children)

That’s pretty much exactly what he said, he just took a long time to say it, which was what led to the deep, deep regret on the part of the doctor. He was dusting up on a ladder, drinking tea, totally naked, and then he fell, and oh no look what has happened now.

[–] flicker 59 points 1 month ago (5 children)

There's a montage from Scrubs where a bunch of people claim "I fell on it" that ends in the last guy shrugging and saying, "I was bored."

I respect the fuck out of the last guy.

[–] [email protected] 23 points 1 month ago (1 children)

I really don't get it. The only answer that question needs is just look the doctor in the eye and ask, "do I really need to explain?"

I don't know for sure, but I feel like the overwhelming majority of doctors would just nod and say "got it," and then get on with their work.

[–] VindictiveJudge 29 points 1 month ago (10 children)

Knowing how an injury happened can let them know to look for something you might not have considered. For example, if you come in with a broken arm and tell them you fell off a ladder, they might poke around to see if you broke anything else. If you really did wind up with something forcefully shoved in an orifice, they would want to pay careful attention for tears and such.

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[–] techMayhem 31 points 1 month ago (1 children)
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[–] Jubei_K_08 23 points 1 month ago (1 children)

"If that ever happens, you need two things and two things quickly: a pair of ice tongs and a friend who can keep a secret."

-Dave Attell

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[–] surewhynotlem 22 points 1 month ago (6 children)

Where else would I put my tea bag

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[–] [email protected] 70 points 1 month ago (2 children)

Just cut off the penis, remove the ring and then reattach the penis. Do I have to do everyone's job around here?

[–] [email protected] 14 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Slap a summer sausage in the middle there for extra length and it's win-win

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[–] erp 65 points 1 month ago (2 children)

It appears the market has spoken, thus you must clearly upgrade your ring cutting equipment.

That is, unless the poor sap acquired the titanium ring from Boeing or Airbus' supplier. Then maybe you can use kindergarten stubby scissors.

[–] jagungal 46 points 1 month ago (2 children)

Hospitals will generally have ring cutters like this:

Picture of a pizza-cutter like implement with an arm underneath the serrated cutting wheel.

They are hand powered and very cost effective for gold and silver rings. Diamond tipped cutters usually need something like a Dremel to power them. They look something like this:

Picture of a ring cutter similar to the one above but it has an electric screwdriver like attachment to power the wheel..

They are much more expensive compared to hand powered ones, and pose a higher risk to a patient so they would require additional training to use it, which is another extra cost.

[–] Wogi 58 points 1 month ago (4 children)

Also, ummm, titanium gets hot. Like all metal gets hot when you cut it, that's just how friction works.

But titanium is gummy.

When we cut steel it makes a nice clean chip until the tool is dull, then it'll make ugly chips.

When we cut aluminum or copper, we have to use tools with fewer teeth so they don't get clogged up with chips. This is fine because these materials are so soft and we can run cutting speeds so high that having fewer teeth isn't a big deal.

But titanium is both gummy, in that it wants lots of space between cuts because it'll clog up teeth, and very hard, in that it wants lots of teeth making smaller cuts.

It's also a shit conductor. Aluminum and copper will whisk away heat. Titanium gets hot and stays that way.

So your titanium jewelry, wherever applied, that needs to be cut off of you, will need a diamond saw, which isn't really a cutting tool, it's an abrasive one. Meaning it works through aggressive, point blank friction.

My point is if you smash your titanium cock ring on, it's going to not only require a very uncomfortable proximity to a power tool to remove it, it's going to absolutely burn the fuck out of your dick.

[–] jagungal 17 points 1 month ago

Fascinating! However, the fire department (or whoever is your local IDR unit) will almost certainly run coolant while cutting a ring off of anyone.

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[–] NoSpiritAnimal 25 points 1 month ago (2 children)

Just want to add that we're talking about a tool that can be used to remove rings stuck on any appendage, not just cocks.

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[–] [email protected] 58 points 1 month ago (6 children)

Great. Now I feel guilty about my Father's Day gift.

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[–] [email protected] 47 points 1 month ago (5 children)

If you wanna cut the circulation off to your wang, just hold it tighter. That way you can just let go and not need to go to the hospital.

[–] [email protected] 29 points 1 month ago

I’m already holding a sandwich and a drink. Are you expecting me to put one down to hold my wang?

[–] [email protected] 26 points 1 month ago (6 children)

Silicone is easy enough to remove.

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[–] BonesOfTheMoon 25 points 1 month ago (1 children)

They make rubber rings for this for people with ED. You don't have to cause yourself injury.

[–] too_high_for_this 15 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

They make rubber rings for this for people ~~with ED~~ who want rock hard boners

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[–] [email protected] 42 points 1 month ago (1 children)

And they’ll charge you out the ass for it.

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[–] ampedwolfman 32 points 1 month ago (8 children)

So it's rubber/silicone only then or is there another metallic option? Asking for me.

[–] TragicNotCute 19 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Well I think as it relates to fingers, precious metals are fine. Generally soft enough that cutting isn’t an issue.

[–] [email protected] 33 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (4 children)

Who the hell has golden cock ring kind of cash ^and do they want to be friends?^

[–] [email protected] 20 points 1 month ago (3 children)

I love that even after millennia of human society and culture, I still regularly run into comments that make me think, "Yeah, that's the first time anyone has ever said that."

[–] [email protected] 15 points 1 month ago

But definitely not the first golden cock ring

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[–] captainlezbian 12 points 1 month ago (12 children)

Gold and silver are safe. Lead is dangerous for completely unrelated reasons. Cupric alloys are probably safe assuming you aren’t allergic. Speaking of allergic you can definitely do nickel if you’re completely not allergic to it. Aluminum should be safe.

Under no circumstances should you try tungsten.

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[–] Etterra 32 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Dude, try ice and lotion first >_<

[–] NABDad 27 points 1 month ago (4 children)

I misread that as "dry ice"

[–] isthingoneventhis 16 points 1 month ago

Well if trying to get the ring off doesn't send you to the hospital, that probably will.

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[–] [email protected] 31 points 1 month ago (7 children)

I've worked or volunteered for 4 different fire departments. Zero of them had any sort of diamond cutter anything that could be used for this.

[–] [email protected] 13 points 1 month ago (4 children)

I own a diamond wheel for my dremel that will eventually gum its way through titanium.

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[–] disguy_ovahea 19 points 1 month ago (3 children)

That’s horrifying. At least with finger rings they can use the dental floss trick.

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[–] wabafee 15 points 1 month ago (1 children)

What if that's their kink?

[–] [email protected] 50 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (2 children)

Pretty bad, because the medics and firefighters didnt concent to be part of it.

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[–] sm1dger 13 points 1 month ago

I'm call BS. Titanium isn't really very strong (about the same as copper when pure, while specialist Ti alloys are about halfway between aluminium and generic steel). People use titanium when they want something metal which is pretty strong but very lightweight. As an aside, it has pretty meh ductility for a metal and would make a poor bulletproof material, so David Guetta got that wrong too

[–] RememberTheApollo_ 13 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Just use a zip tie. Don’t forget to trim the excess at a nice angle.

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[–] [email protected] 13 points 1 month ago (1 children)

your username shines in a new light after reading this.

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