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-The shark has every right to be there.
-I’m not going to let fear dominate my vacation.
-It’s just water bro!
-Statistically you’re more likely to get mugged by a Kansas City snail on the forth of July.
-My cousin got eaten, and he said it wasn’t even that bad.
-Why are you always bringing up sharks and never dolphins?
-I’ve looked into it, and basically a shark is a tuna with some additional details.
-The shark will just eat some people and then get full just as nature intended. Those people being eaten are just the natural way of dealing with sharks.
-I'm a strong swimmer so it won't eat me.
-I hear the shark swam all the way from a secret lab in China making super sharks. Somehow thinking it's been engineered to be more dangerous makes me also confident that it's harmless and no precautions need to be taken.
-If you inject hot sauce then your blood will be too spicy for the shark to eat.
-I'm still going to have my annual "throw chum in the water" swim party to show just how overblown this whole thing is.
"If you get eaten by a shark, just pull yourself up by your bootstraps. What do you mean it ate your legs?"
If you drink bleach, the shark won’t eat you.
If you inject bleach, you are garunteed not to die from sharkbites
super sharks
"Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a sharks fin!" - LL Cool J from the Deep Blue Sea soundtrack
everyone should do their own personal risk assessment of a shark attack even though we won't tell you any live data on shark prevelance in your area.
we have the tools to address shark attacks, but we won't give them to you or we will make them so expensive you can't afford them.
everyone knows shark attacks are transmitted by touch, so if you get attacked you clearly didn't wash your hands enough.
-I won't get eaten. I'm built different.
Shark drawn to feeding freenzy, "Awe, let me have some"
Shark eating person who injected hotsauce into their bloodstream, "You wouldn't like it, its spicy."
"Guys, listen, the fucking shark ate my whole family and my dog"
"No, it didn't, shill"
“You’re only saying that because George Soros paid you to!”
So, Don’t Look Up?
Don't look up is basically a documentary at this point
That’s actually kind of true.
The original script was written pre-Covid. Adam McCay wound up having to make changes after the reality of society’s response to the pandemic was even more outrageous than his initial script.
His first attempt at outrageous parody turned out to be an underestimate…
The sad thing was that the movie was clearly an allegory to climate change, and the COVID happened a s we fucked that up almost exactly the same way, so now it's really confusing which emergency response is being satirized.
We could make a whole community comparing each and every news story or current event to that movie. Its just so true.
Keep swimming, and assess.
Also thought of the South Park manbearpig - "Okay, fine, there are sharks in the water. What can we do about it now, Susan?"
I did my own research on Facebook and concluded that the shark poses absolutely no danger to us.
'We can't shut the beach, think of all the small, independent traders that rely on that tourist income. There's a knock on effect as well, their businesses paid taxes that keep public services open and pay for the police and life guards that keep everybody safe.'
The thing is, the Mayor in Jaws doesn't realize he's in Jaws.
It's a small town that runs on summer tourism money. Shutting down the beach on the holiday weekend would cause many businesses to fail.
Yeah - some girl got killed by a shark. But that's a tragic freak accident, not a pattern. One person dying to a shark attack is no reason to essentially shut down a city's entire economy. It's not like we shut down all the roads if a deer jumps in front of a car and causes a wreck.
I'm actually not sure if the other guy remembers this was a literal plot point or not
Yeah I do, I also remember Rishi Sunak and Boris Johnson having an argument about it during Covid...
If people stop swimming with sharks, they'll lose the habits and reactions that keep them safe when a shark attacks.
Therefore, they must keep swimming with sharks to avoid shark-attack debt and develop hybrid immunity to attack by losing a limb so they have a stronger reaction to the next attack.
"This is NOT a shark bite. My leg fell off due to natural causes. Be sure not to give me any vaccinated blood. Those damn vacc-"
dies
I realize this is a joke, but my wife has put a lot of people in body bags that died denying COVID to the bitter end. It's unbelievable how they avoid saying COVID. "My dad has ground glass opacities and pneumonia, please pray for him!"
These people are wack.
Most probably wouldn't even think it was just a hoax, they'd think the government was trying to keep them away from the beach because... uhh... maybe sun and salt water counteract the mind controlling vapors in the con trails... or something.
I would sit to watch this movie.
After what we went through during the CoViD years, the premise sounds very reasonable.
The opening sequence of influencers trying to pose for a selfie and being ate would be worth the cost of piracy alone. Use real influencers. And real sharks. Save the special effects budget for post production.
shark eats half a conspiracy theorist's boat
"We're gonna need to stay in the exact same boat because this is fine."
Did they die from the shark attack, or just whilst a shark attacked?
What remained of the persons lungs contained water, suggesting drowning as a conorbidity.
They were just as likely to have been attacked by a shark on land.
Getting eaten by sharks is natural, just go with it - there's nothing that can be done!
Also:
It's my right to get eaten by sharks, and God says that YOU need to get eaten by them too!! :-(
Those guys went in a private submarine and didn't get eaten by sharks, so I'm going to go for a swim because I might be like them!
They also wore full shark-proof armor, plus had a private army protecting them, plus jumped in line ahead of everyone else to get the permissions to go out... and have health insurance, a private doctor standing by, a full extraction team, medicinal products pre-purchased and standing by, a second body to jump to if all else fails, and so on - but I'm sure that just me all by myself is going to be absolutely fine!:-P (I will put my faith in my trusty surfboard! in all my experience in non-shark-infested waters it has never let me down... so far!)
Also:
I think I'll wrestle a bear today. With my shirt off.
Can we vote the shark as unquestioned supreme ruler?
Libs say he's dangerous, but he hasnt eaten any of my kids!
Vote for the shark to own the libs.
one of those self-solving problems, since you can't infect anyone with shark bites.
Well duh... The shark was invented by the locals to scare us away from the Beaches so they could have their land all to themselves... The entitlement!
/S
They tried that with a meteor I think. It didn’t do well, I think.
The smart people would just be sitting there watching people get eaten. It would get boring after a while.
Maybe shark week would become the time we all celebrate the amazing shark that got rid of all the morons
I do miss r/hermancainaward