The lighter side of ADHD
Like telling someone who’s missing both legs to get better shoes so they can keep up.
On the flip side, someone with legs isn’t gonna understand the point of prosthetics because it would be totally useless to them.
ADHD has definitely opened my eyes to how much we humans subconsciously assume we know everything based on our own experiences.
Like telling someone who’s missing both legs to get better shoes so they can keep up.
But it's not. You're confusing material conditions with psychological conditions. The brain is far more plastic than the leg (stump). And neuroatypicals regularly develop coping mechanisms that would be the envy of any paraplegic.
ADHD has definitely opened my eyes to how much we humans subconsciously assume we know everything based on our own experiences.
I think people will often divert to "This won't work on me because I have ADHD" and often miss that lots of advice is just bad or otherwise useless to the public at-large. The "Bootstraps" mentality of self-help gurus constantly assume you have more free time, more financial slack, and more raw dumb luck than the average prole.
I can't count how many times I've seen "just go door to door handing out resumes" pitched as a solution to a few million people rendered unemployed during a recession. I routinely see InsanePeopleFacebook tier "smart savings" advice that amounts to either comically unrealistic spending/savings rates or recklessly foolish investment tips. Then there's the Common Wisdom that only survives the first two years out of high school. "Just go get an X", be it a vocational career or a law degree or a ticket to the next boom town or a rich spouse, works right up until too many people take the same advice.
"Haha, you can't trick me into joining your MLM because I'm neurdivergent" signals that you've made the right choice but often for the wrong reasons. As a result, it just opens you up to a different kind of affinity scam ("We invented an MLM for ADHD!").
Rather than self-segregating and embracing alienation, we need to recognize the fundamental economic game as rigged and tackle it with a unified front.
someone with legs isn’t gonna understand the point of prosthetics
...?
Probably could have worded that better but there’s no perfect analogy :/
I was trying to say that when you look at someone missing legs most people immediately understand certain areas of life are more challenging for them than for yourself. You might even treat them with more respect because of this and support them when you’re able.
However, looking at someone with ADHD, you can’t see their prefrontal cortex or neurotransmitters at all. Thus it usually doesn’t make sense why life could be more challenging for them than it is for yourself.
The reality is most of us default to projecting our own life experience on others as hard facts (sometimes leading to false assumptions other people’s intentions). We could all really benefit from looking at people around us with an openness and curiosity, knowing that there’s a lot we don’t know and can’t see
It's fair I can't understand why they don't just use the legs they don't have
"doesn't hurt to ask"
me panicking because I have to ask
Now I'm having a secondhand panic attack for you asking
I would like to recommend the following order of presenting the argument:
I didn't follow your advice because it relays on me not having ADHD and therefore is useless.
Any advice that starts with "just..." is automatically invalid.
... Make a list and do one at a time.
... Set a reminder.
... Install some time-tracking productivity software on your phone or computer.
... Go for a walk and clear your head.
... Keep a jug of water nearby.
I often find some ADHD people (myself included for a long time) for some reason automatically shun the simple ideas like this. ALOT of them really are helpful and it does take ALOT of will power. Especially for someone with executive function disorder.
Maybe I’m just a one off case but after putting in years of effort the habits I made have really helped me. And I can feel the damage that occurs when I stop doing them.
You’re definitely not alone.
I think the key is that we are so often told what to do, but rarely are instructed on how to do it - it’s easy to give advice, but without providing the structure to actually implement the advice, it isn’t worth much. People seem to forget how much work it takes for us to do the things they suggest. Very little advice is as straight-forward as advice-givers make it sound.
Like above, one can say “install time-tracking productivity software” but what does that really mean? To me, it means that now I’ll have to research different types of software. Which means I have to find something compatible with my devices that also: respects my privacy, is easy to use, that has a reasonable price point, and won’t bombard me with ads. If I manage to do all that without getting side-tracked for too long (which is a big “IF”), THEN I have to set up the software and figure out how to use it. Only after all that can I get to the step of actually using it… which honestly, is easy to forget to do as well.
Point is, a lot of “simple advice” isn’t actually that simple for people with ADHD. So when people talk like an idea is some easy thing, it can leave a lot of us feeling like we can’t even reach out for help because iT’s sO siMpLe that asking for help feels embarassing. Yet without guided support, it’s much easier to discount the advice outright than to try to figure out how to implement it on our own. So we fall into that trap, and the “good advice” is ignored yet again.
It's not the ideas themselves that are the issue, it's the idea that a person making the suggestion will fix you with such basic suggestions. Alarms? Oh, I hadn't heard of those, and now I'm cured! Time tracking software? I had not thought of that! Suppose I can cancel my therapy appointments.
I think it’s usually more of a suggestion of a place to start. Alarms for example are really good. Especially if you issue is not being able to remember things. There is no one size fits all solution.
Right, my point is that the unhelpful bit is assuming you can solve it with one suggestion. "Just set an alarm" is condescending and frustrating to receive as advice. I know about alarms, and even if I had anticipated needing a reminder, I might have simply forgotten to set one. Or maybe I had an alarm, but missed it because I was distracted by something else going on.
100% all those simple ideas definitely work for anyone, but it usually takes far longer for someone with ADHD to implement these ideas and make them a habit on their own, and even more effort to keep the habit going. This is really confusing to someone without ADHD because in their own lives when they put effort in to changing something they usually see results somewhat quickly. Thus, they assume the ADHD individual does not care or have the desire to change because there’s no immediate visible results, or not as many visible results over a longer period of time
Yeah it takes a lot of mindfulness for sure. I just want people to know there is hope, and there is good advice out there. It’s just hard, and that really sucks. I hope people can find good support structures like I did.
Not it's not. You are right. It takes a lot longer to learn those habits and apply it in a useful way. It's taken me ~9 years and of taking it more seriously. I still f up from time to time. Just not nearly as much as when I started trying to get my shit together. (Even my test results showed overcompensation in my attention problem lol)
You still need to develop those skills on meds. Which takes practice. Meds make it easier to practice.
I think a lot of people on these communities are at a point of discovery and realization. That there is a big factor (ADHD) causing their struggles in life. That they are not "just lazy and undisciplined." A phase that can look like self-victimization and excuses.
Thing that worked well for me btw, is the ADHD guide on HealthyGamerGG. The name sounds stupid, but it's the online name of a psychiatrist with experience with ADHD patients, and he takes a hollistic approach. I usually despise every form of spirituality, but he managed to filter out the "woo woo" (as he calls it) and stick to the practical aspects of meditation and how the mind works. Helped me understand my issues and how to handle them better.
I also urge people to be careful with medication. Dosing is important. I was put on a high level of medication and it basically just cracked me out 24/7. I would tell people it was helping me but it held me back a lot. Several of my friends of victims of the same issues. The drugs gave me all the serotonin I needed and it kinda kept me from doing anything at all instead of leveling me out where I could focus.
It took a lot of self reflection to see the damage it was doing.
Medication is a valuable tool but listen to your support structures and let your doctors know how you are responding to your meds.
I have started the HealthyGamer guide recently and watched about a dozen videos. Haven’t really done the worksheets or meditated regularly though.
What was your journey like? How did you use it? Any tips?
The meditation that I liked were the ones that practiced mindfully shifting your attention.
The first one was using a specific type of mandala made of harsh contrasting colours and projecting the image on your mental vision. Interestingly, its clarity would fade if you focussed too hard, or too little. Practicing the 'sweet spot.'
Another was generating thoughts. Letting your mind make stuff. The point was to become aware of the thoughts appearing up. I noticed in this one that the first minutes worth of thoughts were usually garbage. After that, my mind generated stuff that I thought was useful. Like remembering to plan that dental appointment...
This practice was followed by practicing to redirect your attention every few seconds on purpose. Which teaches you how to redirect your attention from your thoughts, into where you want to go.
Ofc, meditation is nice, but the goal is to put that stuff into practice. I found it helped getting myself to do what I want to do, but couldn't get myself to. Like studying or cleaning.
My tip is, choose 1 low-level and practice that. I started in the morning for 5 to 10min, and tried to apply the lesson throughout the day to make it useful. I did that for 1 to 2 weeks before going to the next step of the meditation. That was hard enough! xD
Thank you
The one that got me when I was still undiagnosed still infuriates me to this day.
You just need to apply yourself more.
I tried that and went from a 90 average slacking off to a 92 burning myself out "applying myself" in place of any activity that brought me joy.
I didn't understand for so long how people could just sit down and do shit, while I hated doing things like dishes so much it made me irrationally angry.
Just knowing I have a problem helped. With some consideration and research I got ideas on how to deal with some of my problems. Example: hate washing dishes? Reduce the number of dishes you have at home and replace as many as possible with dishwasher-safe alternatives (assuming you have a dishwasher). Then they can't pile up so bad and it becomes less intimidating to take on.
What didn't help: suggestions from people without ADHD. "Just do it", "schedule it", "task tracker", etc.. yeah fuck that.
Yeah. Same here. Even my test results showed signs of overcompensation. I got most stuff correct in time, but my impulsivity (and gaming addiction) shined through. It was stressful as hell and I tried my best. Then took the test again on meds and 1) it wasn't stressful, I was zen! 2) I was far less impulsive. xD
I will ask my psychiatrist to do the test again on medication. Interesting.
"Wow, that's an amazing list of things I never considered doing"
Man, NTs get mad when you sarcastically point out why their advice is bad and you're not willing to play along to not hurt their feelings.
Yeah, frankly I'm shocked by the number of comments saying "I dont understand, why are you complaining about all my good ideas?"
I understand most of what you're saying, but wouldn't setting a reminder help with some things? I have ADHD and it does help me with some of the things I need to get done. Is your problem with that one more that it just sounds condescending?
Of course it would, but it's like meeting a deaf person and suggesting hearing aids and closed captioning. You think people don't know about setting reminders?
Just thinking about reminders is making me anxious. And arbitrary reminders or artificial deadlines are totally useless because I set them and know they don't matter, so I'll just skip them anyway.
"just sit still" said to me by pretty much every teacher my entire life.
I'm not sure what teachers should do with chronic leg jigglers and fidgety people, but telling them to just sit still was not a winner lol.
"Get up, go run to that tree, and come back" was sometimes at least somewhat effective, particularly with younger children. Also, getting up and moving for a minute helps with learning anyway.
"All you have to do is just pay attention!"
I mean...what do you expect from this situation?
I'm inferring a scenario where you are being taught how to do something. And you are not paying attention. it also sounds like you're not communicating any of your needs.
So: what do you expect from this situation other than someone to be annoyed that you're wasting their time? What is the good outcome and how do you and this other human with a different brain to you get to that outcome?
It's my personal philosophy that advice and suggestions are the same thing. Suggestions are not requirements.
Personally, if another person came to me seeking advice, I'd feel honored that they hold me in a regard high enough to consider how I'd act in a situation and apply it to theirs.
People who get angry when their advice is not used are just weird.
I totally agree with you, but it hits different when the advice is delivered by a close friend, boss, SO, etc. who is frustrated with you because they’re assuming your intentions are bad and they don’t respect you or trust you because they think you’re choosing to fail at certain things. When this is happening with most every relationship you have on a daily basis over 10, 20, 30+ years it can be a lot to handle
The problem is that the advice is usually unsolicited
I am so tired of being judged