Ask Lemmy

I have a 7yo son and I do not regret having him at all.

I became a father pretty late in life, so I did all the traveling and partying I could before. Everybody around me started having kids anyway, and less friends where available when we were making plans.

Sure, life changes drastically when you have a child, but with a family of my own I now feel more rooted in life. It's a quality of it's own.

It was a nice time before, and I sure miss being able to decide more independently how to spend my time. But our family is a team with common interests and we enjoy spending time together.

As my son starts to be more independent himself, we now start following our own plans again one bit at a time. It is definitely a give and take scenario, but we three get a lot from it 😊.

Edit: More words to make things clearer.

Got 2 boys. Love ‘em. It’s a lot of responsibility. You worry a ton when they get scarlet fever or break an arm (real examples in our lives). You’re busy AF trying to ensure normal order. It’s expensive. It can be difficult if a child is strong-willed.

But really, these 2 lives give my life its true meaning. I have high hopes for these boys. I’m only in my mid forties, but already think about grandkids.

I'm a yes on kids and no regrets on having them. But I have a few comments on it.

• Kids can be very different. Don't decide based on how much you like someone else's kid.
• Having kids is great and gives life meaning and all that crap, but very few people start wanting kids after having them. If you aren't sure you want kids, please don't have kids! Not even one! The very least you owe a kid is a parent that wants them.
• If you do have kids, read a parenting book. Even better, read one or two every year. There are heaps of ideas on getting kids to cooperate, and arguably more important, making sure you don't actively hurt them, don't destroy their self esteem, make them live in fear of you, etc. I say read many because you'll find common themes, and ideas that click with you and work with your unique kids. One of the first ones I read suggested buying a baby gate so you could lock your two year old in their room alone when they were "naughty", pretty glad I kept reading other books.

And this is important to me but apparently not so much to others, but we are well onto the area of unsolicited advice and I'm rambling now so I'm just gonna say it: you have one job, you're raising adults. Make them cable, functioning adults but even more so do everything you can to make sure they make it to adulthood in good shape! Teeth get brushed twice a day, every day, no exceptions. Put them in a car seat every single time, don't be that parent driving their preschooler around with no car seat. The recommendations for what age to use car seats until are probably a lot older age than you're expected, do some reading. (also no kids under 12 in the front seat if there's an air bag). Watch them properly near water. Driveways are not playing areas. If you live near an ozone hole like I do then it's important to know that one bad sunburn as a kid can be a death sentence when they are older.

A shitload of kids never grow up for completely preventable reasons. One. Job. If you're gonna do it, make sure you take it seriously.

Also we live in different times. Google the shit out of any question you have. You can use incognito for the really stupid ones but still Google them if you aren't sure and it might be important.

Yes this rant was brought to you by some horrifying things I've seen.

I don't and I don't plan to. It's however too soon to tell wether I'll regret that or not. Time will tell.

I can see the appeal of having kids but my current lifestyle is that I do what I want when ever I want and I don't really plan things ahead. I don't want to take the risk of having kids and then having to dramatically change my lifestyle only to realize it's not what I wanted and now I can no longer go back. I think that to have kids you have to want it. Now I just feel like it's something that's expected of me and I don't think that's a good reason to go ahead with it.

As someone in her early twenties, I am not a mom yet, but it has been on everyone's mind. Me and my six older siblings (five older sisters and one FtM brother) are Pacific Islanders adopted by Indian Islanders and so it seems to have been inevitable for children to be on everyone's mind, especially as my older siblings all are themselves foster parents. I could come as close as comfortably possible to it, but I don't have confidence in the idea of being a mom, not just because I don't think I could handle childbirth (if I chose not to adopt) but because I fear failing due to what I might mess up or not provide.

I’m sterile so I couldn’t even if I wanted to. Which I don’t. My country is in a piss-poor state right now and my hypothetical child would be raised in suffering and poverty.

No, no and no. I just have no desire, and I find my life so much easier without them. I have nieces and nephews and children of friends who I love and am happy to engage with, but also happy that I am not responsible for them.

I have kids, and for me they did improve my financial life by forcing me to go back to school and get a real job (so overall benefit positive even though they are an expensive project) and also parenting is by far the best work I've done in my life. They are mostly grown now and seem satisfied with their upbringing though it was rough at times. So overall yes very satisfied with my decision but - I always wanted kids, always knew I would raise some whether I could biologically have them or not, it was the only thing I really knew I did want to do.

I don't think there is a bad answer here - if you are good either way, you will be good either way. You will have a good life regardless. If you can share that with a child I personally think it's a good thing to do but in no way essential to a fulfilling life if it's not something you want.

Got two. Love it. Definitely a sad time in my life as they go off to college.

While I always wanted kids, I wasn’t convinced we were ready. But my ex pushed and she was right: we were as ready as we’d ever be and couldn’t afford to keep waiting.

Having kids, focussing on their future, helped me become more optimistic over time, more progressive, more accepting. It doesn’t matter whether I’ve got mine, or whether I’m uncomfortable with X, the only important thing is leaving a better world for them

I wanted more than two, and I think we were ready for it, but a combination of a late start and a medical crisis meant we ran out of time. We made the correct decision to not try pushing for more but I wish we didn’t have to.

Definitely going to be a challenge rebuilding my life now that I don’t have them to focus on.

No, I haven't achieved my dreams yet (only 24) and yeah I want kids. I always dream about playing some epic games with my kids or teaching them generally.

No, no, no.

i would to adopt one

Didnt want kids had them anyways. Best decision ever if you are going to be a good parent to them.

I’m a stepdad, so I chose this life and this kid. Their bio dad is pretty awful; the mental abuse has really messed this kid up in some ways. I’m glad to be a part of their life and show them they’re worthy of being loved (mom is great, but feeling rejected by dad will still do a number on just about anyone).

I wouldn’t want to have another kid now. If I’d been in the picture when the kid was a lot younger I think I would’ve wanted them to have a sibling; I think in general that’s pretty great to have (of course, situations vary). But now in our 40s and with this kid so close to finishing high school we definitely don’t want to start over. Plus we’ve learned my wife and her kid have a genetic condition for a chronic illness that can make life a lot harder, and it seems to be getting worse with every generation, so we wouldn’t want to risk passing it on.

When I was younger I was sure I didn’t want kids. As I got older I realized if I was with the right partner and they wanted kids then I’d be happy to try for them. I feel like having the right partner is key. It’s certainly possible to do a good job as a single parent, but with the right partner it’s a lot easier, or at least less challenging. If you’re not in a solid, supportive relationship that you can see lasting for the long haul—through ups and downs—then I would not recommend having kids, especially if you’re uncertain about the whole idea. It’s pretty much the biggest commitment and most responsibility any person will ever have.

I have 4 kids. I wanted 4 kids. I love my children and am so happy that I had them. NOT EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE KIDS. They take all your resources. They come out of the box with factory settings that will drive you crazy. They are a really, really long commitment. I would say life long but sadly I've seen otherwise.

People will tell you that you should have kids because they think of all the joy and meaning they give to their lives. This is true. But other things can give you joy. Other things can give you meaning. If you don't like those other things you can just stop doing them. You can't (shouldn't) stop being a parent.

Lastly the answer can always be maybe someday but not now. You can adopt. You can foster. Fertility treatments or other options can extend viable child bearing years beyond what I would recommend, but once you have kids they are always there. Make the decision for yourself rather than allowing others to for you and you will be happier for it.

I have zero desire to procreate. If I ever get parental urges, I’ll foster.

No, no, and no.

Same for my wife.

My only concern is the future Idiocracy of the world, but I don't think my having a kid would've fixed that anyway.

Don't have kids, don't want kids, for a range of reasons from, legit seems cruel to force a human into the world, specially with how it's going, to there is far too much to do in this world that kids will prevent, and I just don't want them. Zero regrets, and happier each day with my decision not to have kids.

Absolutely fucking not. Me and my wife can't think of many things we'd want less, tbh.

Absolutely yes. I just need a partner to have them with, which is easier said than done.

No, I haven't met a person with whom Ibwould like to have children yet. Yes, I would like to have 2 or 3 children.

I always wanted kids, but in my early years it didn't work out, but I was a stepdad, even after separating from the Childs mother, which I'm very thankful for.

Then for a long time I didn't have a partner, but in my mid 40's I married and have a two years old and another stepchild.

Because I always felt that I would be a fairly good father I definatelly don't regret it and being a father and stepfather just gives me even more meaning to my life.

But I would have been OK without my own children too.

no, no and no, but you will have to find an answer if your decision to have or not to have kids was the right choice in any case.

I would love to have kids someday, but we aren't financially prepared yet. I'm envious of people playing with their kids, or even just mundane tasks like taking them to school or going shopping with them on the back of their parents' bike.

Unfortunately, I expect the next administration(s) to make it much more difficult for same-sex couples like us to try for AI + surrogacy or adoption, so we might be forced to wait. Hoping for expanded surrogacy and child credits, but even just writing that feels foolish.

My moral philosophy is to leave the world a better place than I found it, to have an overall positive impact.

In order to justify siring children I would need to balance it out somehow, like by raising multiple foster care children first or by donating sperm.