this post was submitted on 15 Jan 2024
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CHAPTER 1

THE BEGINNING

od made adam and eve same kind different font Gind od in the image and likeness of his own pfp

and said what is up my mammals go forth and vibe in this minecraft paradise i seeded

you may take any w, except from the tree of w's and i's for then you will have w's, but also L's

while fam was living their best life the op of opps woke up and chose violence

he slid into eves dms with that sneaky rizz and eve let him cook, though he had not the ingredients

he said why wont the TOP G let you take any w's she said nah thats not lore accurate

but the snake said babygirl he's gatekeeping all them dubs me personally i would not let that slide

POV: you realize you have free will πŸ‘οΈπŸ‘„πŸ‘οΈ

so she chose to secure a bag of w's and L's

and she ate and left crumbs and gave them to adam he saw his crush watching and said bet (with rizz)

when they took the L it altered their brain chemistry and suddenly they had the ick

but DIVINE G caught them in 4K and said bruh they really took the L and thought we wouldnt notice

dw fam i got you, we'll come in clutch the woman will have a chile who will solo the op of opps and say UNO REVERSE

thus began the divine dad lore

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[–] TheDoozer 81 points 11 months ago (1 children)

It's funny that the only reason I understood modern speech of an ancient story is because I already knew the ancient story.

[–] inb4_FoundTheVegan 29 points 11 months ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 5 points 11 months ago

Found the vegan!

I'm vegan btw

[–] BloodSlut 50 points 11 months ago

(with rizz)

[–] [email protected] 46 points 11 months ago

I am quite sure I have cancer meow.

[–] Arkaelus 36 points 11 months ago (1 children)

More, please. I like where this is going, would totes sub!

[–] Misconduct 19 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago) (1 children)

I don't remember if he's on TikTok or YouTube or whatever but a dude wrote a book called the gospel by gen z that's basically all just this. This might even be from that book lol

[–] Arkaelus 2 points 11 months ago

Huh... is this how dogma started?

[–] TragicNotCute 35 points 11 months ago

and Eve let him cook, though he had not the ingredients.

Biggest take away here. You come across a snake (with rizz), and he doesn’t even have the ingredients? You don’t let him cook.

[–] [email protected] 31 points 11 months ago (1 children)

I'm excited for the anon green text version of this

[–] [email protected] 59 points 11 months ago (3 children)

be me

create a universe bc bored

make up a guy to live in it, call it β€œadam”

adam looks a bit lonely, decide to give it friends

make up a whole bunch of different guys, call them β€œanimals”

adam doesn’t hang out with any of them??????

wtf.jpg

break off one of adam’s ribs

make it into a new guy, call it β€œeve”

they immediately start fucking each other

myjobhereisdone.jpg

before i go i tell them not to eat the fruit that makes you smart

the next day i see adam and eve with animal parts draped over them???

ask them β€œwhat the fuck is that” they say β€œclothes”

???????

they say they put the animal parts on themselves to not be naked

how the fuck do they know what being naked is. they were supposed to be dumb as fuck when i made them

obviously they ate the fruit that makes them smart

tell them to gtfo

What the fuck anons??? The guys I made literally did the opposite of what I told them to do

[–] [email protected] 25 points 11 months ago

MF really installed the 'free will' module without RTFM

[–] [email protected] 15 points 11 months ago (1 children)

It's because you invoked the story trope of the great proscription. Whether its Bluebeard or The Goon Fairy or the Wyrd Sisters or King Oberon Himself, if he says to the hero don't mess with the forbidden room, you know he's going to pick the lock by page ten.

Zeus tells Prometheus not to give man fire because they're clever and will turn fire into big science. But the clay men are cold in winter, so Prometheus gives them fire.

And the Olympians engineer Pandora, sleek and curvy, but give her curiosity and a jar full of evil shit. Don't open the jar, they say, knowing full well how long that seal will last.

If God wants us to not open the vault of doom, He puts it at the bottom of the sea, or on Diamos, the moon of Mars. He forces us to work for it. He doesn't stack a verboten tree with yummy fruit next to us when were feeling peckish.

[–] Abucketofpuppies 5 points 11 months ago (1 children)

It's basically the R34 and R35 of reality. Everything has happened. If it hasn't happened yet, it will happen.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 10 months ago

Chekov's gun

[–] [email protected] 3 points 11 months ago
[–] CobblerScholar 31 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Yep it's begun, my mind wouldn't let me read more than halfway. I've got the old

[–] [email protected] 27 points 11 months ago

I think I felt my sanity dropping with each line.

[–] [email protected] 26 points 11 months ago

what is up my mammals?

[–] [email protected] 24 points 11 months ago (1 children)

All of a sudden I’m angry. What’s that all about?

[–] Agent641 32 points 11 months ago

What is up my mammal?

[–] [email protected] 19 points 11 months ago

~~amen~~ Respect

[–] bfg9k 18 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Could the bible be recreated entirely in emoji? πŸ€”πŸ€”πŸ€”πŸ€”πŸ€”

[–] [email protected] 23 points 11 months ago

πŸ§–πŸ§–β€β™€πŸŒ³πŸŒ³πŸŒ³πŸŽπŸπŸ€­πŸ€«πŸ€€πŸ˜²πŸ˜΅βš‘β˜„πŸŒπŸ˜­πŸ˜­πŸ˜­

[–] [email protected] 5 points 11 months ago

Can you not?

[–] Mango 4 points 11 months ago

The real cap is that Eve was God and taking the L was the 'giving out free will' maneuver to begin with.