this post was submitted on 07 Jan 2024
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The Onion

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[–] [email protected] 75 points 10 months ago (3 children)

Works for hot peppers. The worse you treat them while growing; the hotter, angrier and tastier they get.

[–] [email protected] 40 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago) (4 children)

Certain vegetables like leeks get buried as they sprout to make the "shoot" part as long as possible.

Rhubarb is grown in near complete darkness, and it screams as it grows towards a light it'll never reach

[–] [email protected] 36 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Rhubarb is grown in near complete darkness, and it screams as it grows towards a light it’ll never reach

Rhubarb cellars are metal. I forgot all about that.

[–] NielsBohron 21 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago)

There's some really great metal band names in here (IMHO).

  • Metalcore: Scream At A Light You'll Never Reach

  • Stoner: Rhubong and the Devil's Lettuce

  • Doom: Near Complete Darkness

  • Black: Rhübarb Screams

  • Death: Cellar Crop

  • Goregrind: Fed Shit and Kept in the Dark

  • Country/Folk Metal (aka Hank III): Rhubarb Wire Fences

[–] Holyhandgrenade 21 points 10 months ago (1 children)

I have a rhubarb plant in my garden, and deep down I know that when I have long perished and my earthly remains have rejoined with the earth's soil, that rhubarb plant will still be there, stubbornly making more rhubarb than anyone can eat.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 10 months ago
[–] probablynaked 7 points 10 months ago

Honestly rhubarb fights back against the oppressors who dare eat the wrong part of the plant

[–] [email protected] 5 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Where does the rhubarb get energy then? Does it just rely on stored energy in the seed or roots or something and get given light eventually, or can it actually use tiny amounts of light?

[–] [email protected] 12 points 10 months ago (2 children)

The plant has an energy reserve underground that is allowed to build up for a year or two before starting to harvest.

If you are doing it sustainably, you can harvest the shoots until they start showing signs of undernourishment, then you stop harvesting and let it build energy back up.

Forcing the rhubarb is an option for the shoots you plan on eating, they grow faster and sweeter than if they grow naturally

[–] cashews_best_nut 6 points 10 months ago

Sounds barbaric.

[–] NielsBohron 4 points 10 months ago (1 children)

The plant has an energy reserve underground that is allowed to build up for a year or two before starting to harvest.

Not a botanist, but I'm pretty sure that's why rhubarb is so sweet. Those energy reserves are mostly sugar, so maximizing the energy reserves maximizes the sweetness, like you note below.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Yeah the rhubarb that people grow in their own gardens without a rhubarb torture cellar is way more sour than store-bought, in my experience.

[–] butterflyattack 3 points 10 months ago

When we were kids we used to dip the stalks in sugar, tasted great.

[–] jaybone 10 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Future generations will not look kindly upon this comment.

[–] FlyingSquid 2 points 10 months ago

After the angry pepper revolution puts them all in chains?

[–] Buck 9 points 10 months ago (1 children)

That's how it worked for my kids, too.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 10 months ago

They're all such tormented, sexy artists at this point. Damn them.

[–] [email protected] 32 points 10 months ago

If the soy beans aren't cannibalizing themselves out of desperation it's not authentic enough

[–] [email protected] 23 points 10 months ago

So wait, are they treating the workers horribly, or..... Oh, it's an Onion article.

[–] [email protected] 21 points 10 months ago (5 children)

This is going to trigger so many broflakes who have made eating meat their whole personality.

And before anybody starts screeching, I'm not even a vegan. I do mostly make vegan food at home, but you can pry my cheese out of my cold, dead hands, and I also occasionally eat fish or meat.

[–] [email protected] 25 points 10 months ago (3 children)

This going to trigger so many >!cheeseflakes!< who have made eating cheese their whole personality.

And before any body starts screeching, I'm not even a vegan. I do mostly make vegan home at food, but you can pry my cold, dead hands out of my cheese, and I also occasionally eat fish or meat.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 10 months ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 3 points 10 months ago (1 children)
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[–] TheDoozer 11 points 10 months ago (1 children)

The people I know that are hard-core meat eaters are hunters who vastly prefer meat they've killed themselves (in a heavily regulated system that prioritizes sustaining the environment). I live in Alaska, though.

[–] BluesF 6 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Yeah, I don't think that's the major demographic of aggressive meat eaters on the internet honestly.

[–] jaybone 3 points 10 months ago (2 children)

Are there really people who make eating meat their “whole personality”? lol

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[–] Godric 5 points 10 months ago

X Headline is going to trigger Y group

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[–] [email protected] 11 points 10 months ago (5 children)

Now I'm curious if plants have enough complexity to their internal experience for it to be possible to be cruel to them or not. One is used to thinking of them as basically inanimate apart from that they grow, but some of them can sort of communicate with other plants in certain ways can't they?

[–] [email protected] 30 points 10 months ago (4 children)

There is not really strong evidence of plant sentience. Here's one paper looking at it:

A. Plants do not show proactive behavior.

B. Classical learning does not indicate consciousness, so reports of such learning in plants are irrelevant.

C. The considerable differences between the electrical signals in plants and the animal nervous system speak against a functional equivalence. Unlike in animals, the action potentials of plants have many physiological roles that involve Ca2+ signaling and osmotic control; and plants’ variable potentials have properties that preclude any conscious perception of wounding as pain.

D. In plants, no evidence exists of reciprocal (recurrent) electrical signaling for integrating information, which is a prerequisite for consciousness.

E. Most proponents of plant consciousness also say that all cells are conscious, a speculative theory plagued with counterevidence.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8052213/

Though something interesting and perhaps counter intuitive to note is that even if we realized plants were sentient, a plant-based diet actually involved killing fewer plants due to the lessened need to grow feed (of which most of the energy is lost)

[–] Hagdos 17 points 10 months ago (1 children)

a speculative theory plagued with counterevidence.

I love this phrasing

[–] [email protected] 12 points 10 months ago

Academic writing is usually dry, but every once in a while you run into something like that which changes your perspective on how to roast an idea

[–] cashews_best_nut 11 points 10 months ago (1 children)

This is typical propaganda from the Big Plant lobby and Vegan Church. Plants have feelings!

[–] [email protected] 5 points 10 months ago (1 children)

That's why I'm a fruitarian. I only eat fruit once it drops from the tree.

[–] jaybone 4 points 10 months ago

The Supreme Court says you are not allowed to interfere with the seed, or stand in shallow water.

It’s Grow v. Wade.

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[–] [email protected] 5 points 10 months ago (4 children)

Let's say that plants do have some kind of sentience, which is probably very limited due to the evidence we do have. Animals still have more advanced sentience that is closer to our own so it would still be the lesser evil to eat plants. Like why would you eat other people or chimps when there are other options available?

It takes a lot of mental gymnastics to be able to say that plants suffer the same way as animals. I know you're not saying this, but you do hear stuff like this based on this premise.

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[–] [email protected] 11 points 10 months ago

Finally an onion article that isn't likely to become reality

[–] linearchaos 8 points 10 months ago

I prefer Wagyu Soya

[–] [email protected] 7 points 10 months ago

It's from 2016. It became a reality.

[–] homesweethomeMrL 7 points 10 months ago (2 children)
[–] M137 11 points 10 months ago

It's funny because this would actually sell. And it's funny because it hurts too much to feel how disturbing it is.

[–] Potatos_are_not_friends 2 points 10 months ago

The flavor comes from the suffering

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