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More Realistic Meat Substitute Made From Soy Raised In Brutally Cruel Conditions (www.theonion.com)

submitted 10 months ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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[–] [email protected] 40 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago) (4 children)

Certain vegetables like leeks get buried as they sprout to make the "shoot" part as long as possible.

Rhubarb is grown in near complete darkness, and it screams as it grows towards a light it'll never reach

[–] [email protected] 36 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Rhubarb is grown in near complete darkness, and it screams as it grows towards a light it’ll never reach

Rhubarb cellars are metal. I forgot all about that.

[–] NielsBohron 21 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago)

There's some really great metal band names in here (IMHO).

Metalcore: Scream At A Light You'll Never Reach
Stoner: Rhubong and the Devil's Lettuce
Doom: Near Complete Darkness
Black: Rhübarb Screams
Death: Cellar Crop
Goregrind: Fed Shit and Kept in the Dark
Country/Folk Metal (aka Hank III): Rhubarb Wire Fences

[–] Holyhandgrenade 21 points 10 months ago (1 children)

I have a rhubarb plant in my garden, and deep down I know that when I have long perished and my earthly remains have rejoined with the earth's soil, that rhubarb plant will still be there, stubbornly making more rhubarb than anyone can eat.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 10 months ago

😀

[–] probablynaked 7 points 10 months ago

Honestly rhubarb fights back against the oppressors who dare eat the wrong part of the plant

[–] [email protected] 5 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Where does the rhubarb get energy then? Does it just rely on stored energy in the seed or roots or something and get given light eventually, or can it actually use tiny amounts of light?

[–] [email protected] 12 points 10 months ago (2 children)

The plant has an energy reserve underground that is allowed to build up for a year or two before starting to harvest.

If you are doing it sustainably, you can harvest the shoots until they start showing signs of undernourishment, then you stop harvesting and let it build energy back up.

Forcing the rhubarb is an option for the shoots you plan on eating, they grow faster and sweeter than if they grow naturally

[–] cashews_best_nut 6 points 10 months ago

Sounds barbaric.

[–] NielsBohron 4 points 10 months ago (1 children)

The plant has an energy reserve underground that is allowed to build up for a year or two before starting to harvest.

Not a botanist, but I'm pretty sure that's why rhubarb is so sweet. Those energy reserves are mostly sugar, so maximizing the energy reserves maximizes the sweetness, like you note below.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Yeah the rhubarb that people grow in their own gardens without a rhubarb torture cellar is way more sour than store-bought, in my experience.

[–] butterflyattack 3 points 10 months ago

When we were kids we used to dip the stalks in sugar, tasted great.