757
this post was submitted on 07 Jan 2024
757 points (97.9% liked)
The Onion
4583 readers
1526 users here now
The Onion
A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.
Great Satire Writing:
founded 3 years ago
MODERATORS
you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
view the rest of the comments
Works for hot peppers. The worse you treat them while growing; the hotter, angrier and tastier they get.
Certain vegetables like leeks get buried as they sprout to make the "shoot" part as long as possible.
Rhubarb is grown in near complete darkness, and it screams as it grows towards a light it'll never reach
Rhubarb cellars are metal. I forgot all about that.
There's some really great metal band names in here (IMHO).
Metalcore: Scream At A Light You'll Never Reach
Stoner: Rhubong and the Devil's Lettuce
Doom: Near Complete Darkness
Black: Rhübarb Screams
Death: Cellar Crop
Goregrind: Fed Shit and Kept in the Dark
Country/Folk Metal (aka Hank III): Rhubarb Wire Fences
I have a rhubarb plant in my garden, and deep down I know that when I have long perished and my earthly remains have rejoined with the earth's soil, that rhubarb plant will still be there, stubbornly making more rhubarb than anyone can eat.
😀
Honestly rhubarb fights back against the oppressors who dare eat the wrong part of the plant
Where does the rhubarb get energy then? Does it just rely on stored energy in the seed or roots or something and get given light eventually, or can it actually use tiny amounts of light?
The plant has an energy reserve underground that is allowed to build up for a year or two before starting to harvest.
If you are doing it sustainably, you can harvest the shoots until they start showing signs of undernourishment, then you stop harvesting and let it build energy back up.
Forcing the rhubarb is an option for the shoots you plan on eating, they grow faster and sweeter than if they grow naturally
Sounds barbaric.
Not a botanist, but I'm pretty sure that's why rhubarb is so sweet. Those energy reserves are mostly sugar, so maximizing the energy reserves maximizes the sweetness, like you note below.
Yeah the rhubarb that people grow in their own gardens without a rhubarb torture cellar is way more sour than store-bought, in my experience.
When we were kids we used to dip the stalks in sugar, tasted great.
Future generations will not look kindly upon this comment.
After the angry pepper revolution puts them all in chains?
That's how it worked for my kids, too.
They're all such tormented, sexy artists at this point. Damn them.