The Onion
The Onion
A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.
Great Satire Writing:
Oh God, that is so painfully true. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be longingly caressing this rope without actually tying it into a noose.
I'll sit next to you and load then unload my pistol.
Hold my beer while I jump off that bridge and then... oh I break the combo.
“You hear this nonsense such as, ‘people don’t want to work anymore,’” said Schweitzer while puffing on his pipe. “Can you blame them? When boomers were young, they could pay for college flipping burgers, buy a house on a single salary, and retire with a pension. Now people can’t afford to even rent. The average American is being crushed under a debt burden with no prospect of relief. Our political system is breaking down, and we’re headed toward climate disaster. It’s only natural for people to be walking around secretly wishing a piano would fall on them.”
Wtf I thought this was supposed to be a satire article.
That's not all that unrealistic lol
Ever notice that the only people who relentlessly seek out immortality are the absurdly wealthy who already live a life of the entire world being at their beck and call for every whim?
The rest of us get tired of licking the shoe leather and are all like, "It's my time? Phew! Finally!"
i mean i wouldn't mind immortality provided i straight up can't be killed, i'd like to see the bougies defend against that
The satirical part is that a major news org would say this out loud.
My first thought wasn't that this was an onion article. My thought was that "this could be an onion article".. ie I assumed it wasn't satire at first. Because that's the world we live in since 2016.
It me
Same.
me too, thanks.
Also
I don't want others to suffer a trauma like the ones I carry. Guess I'll go get Taco Bell instead of {insert dark thoughts}
Going through cancer treatment the last couple of years, doctors often asked me if I was feeling suicidal, I never was, but this would have been a correct answer most days.
We've reached some kind of milestone where satire and reality have converged to a single line. Also, the cover photo of a bunch of smiling professionals is the real chef's kiss.
While we're here, you guys got any depressing songs suggestions?
Edit: Thank you for the suggestions. Listening to them all.
"As the Footsteps Die Out Forever" by Catch 22. Genre is ska punk. It's about the loss of a family member.
Hurt, the cover by Johnny Cash
Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald
Rabbit in Your Headlights by Unkle
Something I Can Never Have, NIN
Literally any 16th century nocturne.
Ben Howard - Esmerelda, anything from Portishead, Red House Painters, Sofa Surfers
tv on the radio - blind
motion picture soundtrack - radiohead
entire discography of godspeed you black emperor but e.g. dead flag blues
pretty much anything grizzly bear did before 2007 but e.g. he hit me
I'm not lighting a fuse with this, am I? O_O;
Anyway, Routine by Steven Wilson and Losing It by Rush are two big candidates. Remove all sharp objects from the immediate vicinity before you listen to them.
Actually, forget that. Songs about naval disasters (The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald by Gordon Lightfoot, At the Harbor by Renaissance, The Wreck of the Hesperus by Procol Harum) are somber in tone but won't make you feel despondent afterward. They're like rye bread... a little rough and dark, but hearty and filling and ultimately cleansing in the end.
This is art/prog/jazz rock molded to perfection:
https://youtu.be/hCU_lScCpAM?si=6q-LbBsj1imw008_
Check out this song by them but feel free to listen to their entire albums. Start with Land Animal, Say So, or You Know What They Mean if you like the above song.
Anything by Michael Buble.
Too real.
@ZeroCool Is that an Onion-like website?
Yes, The Hard Times is a satire website that usually focuses on music. They also operate Hard-Drive.net which focuses on videogame and tech satire.