Is this a parody, or did someone actually brag on twitter about having sex? I honestly can't tell what's satire any more.
this post was submitted on 02 Feb 2025
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Could be either way, honestly. He's a fundie who bragged about remaining a virgin until marriage. He finally got hitched to a former Miss Universe of all people, at age 32 or something.
Miss Universe
That shit's so rigged. Always an earthling. SMH
Yeah, pretty much don't stand a chance unless you're a featherless biped with two boobs.
Well who else would win, a vogon?
Thinks of the tentacle possibilities!
Oh trust me, I do
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Ummmm, this is so cringe:
https://www.orlandoweekly.com/news/looks-like-tim-tebow-has-finally-had-the-sex-26678445
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He had THE Sex. You know the one sex you get in your life and then never again.
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Like a sea turtle trying to get up on a raft.
What a mental image. Brain bleach, stat, please.
I’m still chuckling over this.
That's not helping...
Might help some turts get in the mood?
I was at the zoo a few years ago when Aldabra Tortoises were fucking. It was that but a few octaves lower, and you could hear it from the start of the section. If you imaging what a large turtle fucking would sound like in some dumb sex comedy movie, it was exactly that.
Hahaha. I equally want to and don't want to experience that. Thank you for describing it. Much appreciated.
God was there
In the corner
Quietly jerking off
Then cumming over the two of them
God is a kinky dude, I like him.
“And the Holy Spirit came upon them…”
Can you feel the Holy Spirit inside you?
He was on the cuck chair
He got that woman pregnant once before her husband had even had a go.
From prima nocta to prima knocked-up.
And God was there!
Just keep in mind God doesn't think anal and oral sex (hopefully not in that order, but no shame you do you) counts according to some religious people i met.
The legends of the poophole loophole are still spread to these days.
He's definitely okay with oral. Provided you swallow.
There is nothing outside a person that by going into him can defile him, but the things that come out of a person are what defile him.
-- Mark 7:15
My understanding is that anal and oral are "wrong" in the same way masturbation is, it's spilling your seed outside of sex for procreation.
But like, clearly a tier better than premarital sex so...
If you believe Jesus, even looking at a woman with lust in your heart is equivalent to full-on adultery, so no tiers. Many Christians actually believe that and, for example, would treat discovering a partner watching porn as if they've discovered the partner cheating.
That also isn't the moral of that story, despite what they tell you in Sunday school. Onan was punished because he didn't want to impregnate his brother's widow, which would have legally given his late brother an heir rather than Onan inheriting the property. Look up "levirate marriage".
No one talks about the follow up to that story, where Onan’s dad Judah is like, “shit! this woman is trouble! I can’t lose my last son!” He basically tells Tamar (the widow) to go back to her dad, blows her off.
Tamar gets sick of it, goes into town, disguises herself as a temple prostitute. Judah comes to town, asks what it costs for a roll in the hay, and she asks for his family’s token so she’ll know he’s good for it.
She ends up pregnant, and the elders of the village bring her before Judah - “hey, your daughter in law was a whore and got knocked up, we are putting her to death.” He says, “who knocked you up?” - she produces the family token. He says “ah shit, you got me.” She has the kid, gets the inheritance. Depending on which gospel, she could be Jesus’s great (x a bunch) grandmother.
Like Genesis outright recognizes what she did as right. She’s the hero of the story.
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Five years ago...
Probably had it a couple of other times since then. Would have to check his posts to be sure. Willing to bet there were maybe a few times where God was not there.
I used to fill in for god to watch him have sex, I thought him having god watch was for religious reasons, but he just can't get off unless someone's silently judging him in the corner.
Are they still married?
These types typically call it quits quickly
Even almighty God cannot witness things that fast.
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