Trans

I mean, I exhibit those same differences in behavior, it's just that it's based on the person and not their gender. Some of my friends and I flirt, knowing we don't actually mean anything by it. Some want to hear my TMI stories and knowledge. Some would be incredibly uncomfortable with that. Some of my friends come to me with problems, wanting solutions, and some just want to talk about the problem. Some of these things are more likely to fall one way or the other based on gender, but everyone's different and treating you in stuff like this based on your gender instead of you is wack.

You're being a bit too sensitive I think. And also what's with cis bashing? I'm bisexual but I have trans friends who I would have similar questions for. They would never be offended by these questions or look for the malice in them. Why must you look at it maliciously because the person asking is cis (or you just assume they are cause they haven't told you otherwise, like people do with me).

Simply existing gets you labeled with toxic masculinity these days. I wish the term would die because it's been so bastardized that everyone uses it for anything they don't like about men. Use the term toxic femininity though and you get crucified

We live in a cisheteronormative society in which, yes, absolutely, the way someone's gender is perceived impacts how people interact with them.

I (trans man) generally don't treat my friends too differently based on gender, but there are definitely some differences between my relationships with women and my relationships with men. When I hang out with other guys, there's a lot more "dude", "man", "bud" in conversations (obviously). When I hang out with women, conversations about feelings and personal issues are more common, and so are hugs/embraces. This is pretty much entirely "code switching" for me, and not a case of me imposing that this is how relationships with a certain gender should work.

I should point out, though, that this is not 100% based on gender and gender only. It's largely about the personality, and we live in a world in which there is a strong correlation between gender identity and personality traits (see: gender roles and stereotypes), and so gender can often (but not always) act as a shorthand for that. As a counterexample, someone I know is an effeminate (cis) guy, and I'd say that our conversations and interactions feel more like the ones I'm used to with women.

Your question's made me curious; you appear to be binary trans (please correct me if I am mistaken!) Prior to making this post and having this discussion, what had the concept of passing meant to you? Was it purely about automatically being referred to with the right pronouns and terms (son/brother/etc) without having to say anything? Or was there anything more to it?

I think most people, both male and female, tend to act differently around men and around women, and that this comes from a lifetime of cultural conditioning. It's definitely not limited to male behavior, and frankly, associating it with "toxic masculinity" seems like the same mindset.

It sounds like this person thinks your gender is your entire personality, and that by transitioning gender you are becoming an entirely new person. I think it’s normal that they turn to stereotypes and binaries to try and understand something they are unfamiliar with though. The “will we ever hook up” would absolutely throw me off if a friend I trusted said that, and that’s a whole thing to digest alone.

I’ll refrain from giving advice because it wasn’t asked for, but unfortunately yes. Lots of cis people need the boxes and stereotypes in order to interact with others in the “socially correct” way rather than making those determinations on a person by person basis. I think it’s part of the cisheteronorm standard that is still said quietly rather than out loud.

If you asking if gender determines how people interact, the answer is absolutely yes. There are so many ways this is true.

Some of their questions are...interesting, but I think the important thing to keep in mind here is that they're making an explicit effort to interact with you in the way you prefer, and it is probably be worth pointing out the comments that make you uncomfortable with them directly. They clearly want to make the effort to make you comfortable, so being direct with them would most likely be appreciated by them.

In regards to "is this normal?", I will say that, as a cis person, the line between "don't stereotype based on gender" and respecting gender identity can be quite murky and it can feel precarious to assume how someone wants to be treated after or during their transition. Everyone will have different expectations and wishes, so having discussions like this, though blunt and likely awkward, will hopefully lead to a better relationship overall.

It does sound like this friend cares about you, so I hope you're both able to address this constructively.

As a cis guy, this strikes me as exactly the opposite of toxic masculinity: he's trying to respect your preferences as to how you want to be treated, and in order to do that he has to know what they are first.

(I suppose in the ideal world, there would be enough out trans folks around that cis people would learn how to interact correctly in childhood, but that's not the case yet so we've all gotta learn somewhere.)

Also, you say in a comment that you thought he knew you because you hung out numerous times, but if he just found out you're trans and/or just became comfortable enough to broach the subject to ask these questions, then he clearly didn't know you as well as you think he did.

I had no idea thr opposite was a thing tbh. Personally, I've always treated boys and girls (or men and women) differently, I assumed everyone did this ? Not deliberately -as a matter of fact I've only noticed rather late, probably in my late teens. I can only surmise that it's social conditioning. Just like in your story, it became evident when I met someone who was neither obviously a man nor obviously a woman: I realized I didn't know how to act and was completely thrown off.
Lately I have come to observe that the sexual differences I thought were deep were in fact pretty shallow, and I found myself trying to "see" men as women and conversely, in an effort to break down this conditioning. But to be frank I thought I was doing something completely original... I would never have guessed anyone else had naturally attained this ambitious goal I set for myself !

Should I wonder if we'll ever hook up?

I honestly have a hard time realizing that pan is not the default lol

I don't know about the average cis person, but as a cis man myself I find those questions a bit unsettling, and they suggest a world view that makes me quite uncomfortable. If these attitudes go deep, this person might be hard to remain friends with.