this post was submitted on 12 Aug 2024
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Greentext

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This is a place to share greentexts and witness the confounding life of Anon. If you're new to the Greentext community, think of it as a sort of zoo with Anon as the main attraction.

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[–] [email protected] 161 points 1 month ago (5 children)

As a former cashier (grocery store not walmart admittedly, but I doubt things are that different), I dont think weird uses for the items are the way to go, the cashier is barely even going to notice or care what you're buying. what I bring to freak out the cashier, are some item that needs ID to buy, some big heavy item with the barcode removed so that it will take a bunch of lifting and turning in a hopeless effort to find it before someone eventually has to go find another one and bring it over, and a propane refill if walmart does those (at my grocery store the process to go find a full one was a pain, especially in the winter since they were outside). Further, I try to buy these items with the help of a ton of expired and unexpired coupons mixed together, several gift cards, and a stubborn half-deaf old person who wont take no for an answer.

[–] Mpatch 103 points 1 month ago (1 children)

You are a fucking monster. The point of this was to have some laughs not cause a poor walmart employee to beat their spouse or off them selves. Damn you're cruel.

[–] [email protected] 56 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Hey, it could always get worse. I could also specify that these items are purchased on a Sunday that a locally favored football team happens to be playing a game, during the rush of people buying snacks and soda.

[–] [email protected] 15 points 1 month ago

ಠ_ಠ

ლ(ಠ益ಠლ)

┬──┬ ノ( ゜-゜ノ)

(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻)

[–] Buddahriffic 23 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Would it be more or less frustrating if instead of an old person, it's a middle aged person who clearly doesn't understand the language but keeps smiling and nodding as if you're on the same page and any time you try to prompt for information, they encouragingly push their items towards you or try to pay you in a currency you don't recognize?

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[–] [email protected] 64 points 1 month ago (1 children)

I'm going with the classic:

Pringles can

Gloves

Sponge

[–] [email protected] 22 points 1 month ago (1 children)
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[–] [email protected] 50 points 1 month ago (2 children)
[–] thenextguy 53 points 1 month ago (4 children)

You can't buy Kentucky at Walmart.

[–] alester82 19 points 1 month ago

Oh, I thought they sold it by the Florida ounce

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[–] [email protected] 37 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (2 children)

How to end up on a watchlist:

Pressure cooker, nails, prepaid phone

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[–] [email protected] 35 points 1 month ago

Gun, bleach, get well card.

[–] [email protected] 35 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (2 children)

Kid's backpack, kid's lunchbox, and a gun.

The back to school in America special.

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[–] [email protected] 28 points 1 month ago

Mop, wire coat hanger, pregnancy test.

[–] [email protected] 27 points 1 month ago (2 children)
[–] ValorieAF 17 points 1 month ago

Ah the old JD Vance

[–] [email protected] 11 points 1 month ago (2 children)
[–] [email protected] 11 points 1 month ago
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[–] [email protected] 27 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (9 children)

bleach, ammonia based cleaner, mixing container.

uh oh, accidental chloramine gas bomb

reminder people, do NOT mix bleach with ammonia based cleaners to "speed up cleaning". youll accidentally speed up life

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[–] [email protected] 26 points 1 month ago

I'm good at this

Alligator clamps
Belt
Laxatives

Shipping boxes
Meat cleaver
Adult diapers

Birth control
Bucket
Bleach

Night vision goggles
Fingerless gloves
Bubble bath

Massager
Leather boots
Farady cage EMP bag

Zip ties
Meat grinder
Swim goggles

Funnel
Butt lifting suit
Rope

Prescription strength deodorant
Dog crate
Sorry for your loss card

Wooden cross
Ammo
Jock strap

Okay, actually it's just a script I wrote.

[–] SGG 24 points 1 month ago (2 children)

The easy-way-to-end-up-with-a-police-visit classic:

  1. Plan B pill

  2. Giant "9" balloon

  3. Vodka.

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[–] [email protected] 23 points 1 month ago (6 children)

Gun, ammunition, balaclava

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[–] Jiggle_Physics 23 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (7 children)

I once bought 50 cans of butane. That caused a stir. Managers got involved, I was asked a whole bunch of questions about what I was doing, it was annoying.

Oh yeah, also had a similar experience with spray paint.

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[–] [email protected] 22 points 1 month ago (2 children)

I think some of you have never been to Walmart and give the employees way too much credit in the intelligence department

[–] Theharpyeagle 48 points 1 month ago (1 children)

I mean it's more likely that they just don't give a shit anymore.

[–] [email protected] 16 points 1 month ago (2 children)

Yeah, your weird items are probably not even the weirdest the cashier has seen today. And the cashiers are probably barely paying attention to what the items are anyway. They just don't care. They scan the item, the machine beeps, so they put it on the belt. I bet 90% of the time if you asked a cashier what the last item they scanned was, they wouldn't have any idea.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 1 month ago

This is accurate to my experience when I worked at the supermarket.

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[–] [email protected] 9 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Do you feel good being so vastly intellectually superior to those dumb fucks serving you? Must be awesome 😊

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[–] Etterra 16 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Whiskey, hammer, baby rattle.

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[–] MeatPilot 16 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (1 children)

Sodium Hydroxide, hacksaw, large trash can

[–] [email protected] 12 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

In the era of ai and facial recognition, this is the only one so far that seems like it could plausibly get you a knock on the door from law enforcement. Good job.

[–] Maggoty 16 points 1 month ago (5 children)

Car battery

Jumper cables

Duct tape

If you get a bonus then bleach, lye, or tarp rounds it out. Have fun talking to the local police!

[–] [email protected] 22 points 1 month ago (14 children)

None of this would attract attention, this is what you would buy to work on an old car. You don't get out much do you? 🤣

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[–] Upperhand 15 points 1 month ago

Rope, duck tape, and a tarp.

[–] [email protected] 14 points 1 month ago

Chlorine, ammonia and a large plastic tub

[–] [email protected] 13 points 1 month ago (5 children)

Shovel, biodegradable garbage bags and zip ties.

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[–] dohpaz42 12 points 1 month ago (2 children)

I’m very disappointed. I couldn’t find any cardboard tubes at my local Walmart.

Anyway:

  1. Cardboard tube, at least 3” in diameter
  2. Gerbil food
  3. Candlesticks
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[–] [email protected] 12 points 1 month ago

Toaster, bathtub plug, pop tarts

[–] Sir_Fridge 12 points 1 month ago

Small plastic bags, rubber bands and viagra. (does Walmart sell viagra?)

[–] NegativeInf 11 points 1 month ago

"The 100 piece puzzles were too hard..."

[–] [email protected] 10 points 1 month ago

Apples, razor blades, carmel

[–] [email protected] 10 points 1 month ago (4 children)

A gallon of blood, tampons, and a Popsicle kit.

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[–] Eiri 10 points 1 month ago

Screws, hammer, sledgehammer

[–] zigmus64 9 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (1 children)

Gatorade

Pregnancy tests

Plan B

[–] Pacattack57 24 points 1 month ago

Even worse:

Gatorade

Pregnancy test

Wire coat hangers

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