this post was submitted on 06 May 2024
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I just got ghosted by the girl I was talking to, I want to find another girl to talk to. This girl and I met at the gym, but I don't want to be the guy that goes to the gym just to meet girls. I mean sure there's the bar and Tinder, but I want a real relationship. I mean, I guess it'll come to me.

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[–] [email protected] 121 points 7 months ago (7 children)

I've found the most important part of finding a mate on Lemmy is to run Arch Linux. If you do not run Arch Linux, are you even trying?

I use Arch BTW

[–] [email protected] 37 points 7 months ago (3 children)

Sorry, I'm only interested in serious partners. I use Gentoo.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 7 months ago (1 children)

But is Gentoo reliable enough?

For a fresh breath, I use Mint.

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[–] [email protected] 12 points 7 months ago (6 children)

Speaking of Linux, where can I find a woman who's into that? Defcon?

[–] [email protected] 13 points 7 months ago

You might consider going to conventions, meetups, or other hobby events (including for other interests you might have)

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[–] NegativeInf 9 points 7 months ago

Throw on some striped knee high socks and you're in high demand.

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[–] RedditWanderer 91 points 7 months ago* (last edited 7 months ago) (4 children)

the bird will never land on your ship if you constantly stand guard to catch it, instead improve your ship and sail into warmer waters; the bird will land while you are not looking

  • CGP Grey
[–] [email protected] 25 points 7 months ago

I have to be honest, this made my day

[–] [email protected] 12 points 7 months ago (5 children)

CGP Grey might be one of the most interesting people to ever have lived. I cannot get enough of his podcasts. I still miss Hello Internet dearly.

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[–] [email protected] 9 points 7 months ago* (last edited 7 months ago) (2 children)

I love this advice.

Sadly if I had to expand on the analogy, I hate a warm and humid climate. I've learned to function in social situations, but never to be comfortable in them. I want nothing more than to be left alone by people I don't know.

I am painfully aware that to get to interact with more people I already know and like, I'll first have to interact with people I don't know, and might not like. And that makes it even harder to get over that hurdle. And my asocial ass is not actually that bothered by loneliness so I just don't bother.

The common advice is to do things you enjoy, and meet people who also enjoy those things, but my enjoyment of something is quite closely linked to how alone I get to be.

If dealing with other people is involved, I just won't be as into it.

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[–] [email protected] 87 points 7 months ago* (last edited 7 months ago) (8 children)

No matter what so many people say, it's not mandatory to have a partner!

Invest your effort in figuring out how to live with yourself. Build a life worth living on your own.
A right person might come, or not. But at least you didn't waste your life chasing wrong goals.

[–] [email protected] 35 points 7 months ago (1 children)

And also, all relationships are valuable. A good friendship is a wonderful boon to your mental health... and if you're seeking a relationship for sex there are far easier ways to do it.

[–] [email protected] 35 points 7 months ago (1 children)

Also, expanding on that, if you go into every interaction with a narrow expectation (e.g. to find the love of your life) you will be disappointed almost all the time but if you keep an open mind you might come out of that with some other positive interactions (a new friend, an interesting conversation, ...) than you expected or were hoping for.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 7 months ago

This one right here!

Love isn't commanded, but if you have friends you're so much more likely to meet people that might be like you, and that's what makes love work in the long run too.

Good luck!

[–] [email protected] 18 points 7 months ago (1 children)

It isn't, but loneliness sucks.

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[–] Wild_Mastic 17 points 7 months ago

I mean, I understand people not looking for a partner. But sometimes having a person close to you can help a ton especially in hard times and great for fighting loneliness.

I have a a couple of close friends, but they're all moving away for work/stuff, and being alone is hitting hard.

[–] teamevil 12 points 7 months ago

Fucking A....as a 42 year old guy who has not been married but been in relationships for the last 12 years...take the time to learn what you want, not settling for what's available. Also listen when a person tells you who they are.

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[–] [email protected] 56 points 7 months ago* (last edited 7 months ago) (3 children)

I had absolutely no luck trying. I went on dates, swiped apps, talked to every girl I thought was cute, and none of it went anywhere beyond some weird halfhearted relationships. About two weeks after I gave up altogether, I met a girl on my way to the water fountain and we just clicked. Six years down the line and we couldn't be happier.

I guess my best advice is just don't sweat it. Be yourself, do what makes you happy, put yourself in situations where you'll meet new people, and sooner or later somebody will come along.

[–] [email protected] 24 points 7 months ago* (last edited 7 months ago) (1 children)

I think people are too quick to discount this advice but it's honestly the best way to find a genuine life partner. Do stuff you love and if you find someone you're interested in doing it (and they feel the same way) you have an excellent basis for a relationship.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 7 months ago

And if that fails, if you do hobbies you love with other people, at least you'll make new friends.

[–] [email protected] 16 points 7 months ago

Nothing is less attractive than the stink of desperation. I said the same thing to a friend of mine. He was out of a relationship and looking for a new one. Within 6 months of not trying to find someone and just enjoying his life, there she was.

[–] Passerby6497 5 points 7 months ago

About two weeks after I gave up altogether, I met a girl on my way to the water fountain and we just clicked

I just have to say thank you for posting this, as I was just commenting earlier today how I got together with my (now) wife after giving up and focusing on myself. I really appreciate seeing that my experience isn't a one off like I've been told before (which is amusing because I've had it happen multiple times since).

[–] [email protected] 35 points 7 months ago (1 children)

Spend your time doing what you like and talk to women you meet while doing that. It has several advantages for dating. :)

[–] SatansMaggotyCumFart 12 points 7 months ago (1 children)

I met my current wife in the crackhouse we both frequented, it was very romantic and just like a movie.

[–] [email protected] 18 points 7 months ago (1 children)

and just like a movie.

Trainspotting, Fight Club or Requiem for a Dream?

[–] SatansMaggotyCumFart 12 points 7 months ago

She's always beating the shit out of me and may not actually exist so I'll go with Fight Club.

[–] [email protected] 29 points 7 months ago

Don't.

Okay, that could easily be misinterpreted. What I mean is don't look for one. Live your life. Get to know yourself. Find some hobbies, start some projects, do some cool shit. Not as a resume for a relationship, just to do it and be fulfilled. You don't need to find someone right this moment.

The worst relationship I ever had was because I was young and lonely and bored and I ended up dating someone who nearly destroyed my life and dominated everything about it. Took 5 years to get away from it. Subsequent relationships suffered, though not because my partners were awful, I just wasn't worth dating.

At some point, I just got tired of it and "retired" from dating. I took care of myself, did things that interested me, and relaxed for a few years. Just me. I got really happy just being with myself. Then, my best friend of nearly 20 years and I ended up starting a thing nearly on accident, and now (a few years later) we're very happily married. Absolutely would not have been possible unless I'd spent the time to figure myself out.

[–] [email protected] 28 points 7 months ago (2 children)

Maybe a relationship will just come to you and maybe it won't. A lot of the advice you get in these kind of threads is like 'just be yourself' or 'don't be desperate' or 'be comfortable on your own' or whatever. None of that ever worked for me. I was never able to just be myself or be on my own without feeling lonely and desperate and that made me seem weird and off-putting to potential partners. Honestly it took recognizing my mental issues, getting serious about finding a solution to them, and working on them for a while before I was able to act like a normal human around someone I was attracted to. In the end what worked for me was a combination of Buddhist meditation and some kind of therapy. But everyone is different. YMMV.

On the other hand maybe you are perfectly comfortable in yourself, are handsome and charming, and have no trouble talking with women, but you just met some women with issues of their own. If so, just try to get out more and meet more people. In that case it's a numbers game and eventually you'll find the right one.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 7 months ago

"Be yourself" is terrible advice. What they really mean is "Be the best version of yourself that makes you a great friendly person that people want to hang out with". This might mean trying to change yourself to be whatever you think the coolest version of you is. This is fine because it's a form of self-improvement.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 7 months ago

You can be single and still have lots of friends and socializing.

[–] [email protected] 26 points 7 months ago (4 children)

You’re overthinking it.

As the other person said with the quote about the ship and the birds.

Throwing my personal story out there: I’ve only dated a few people ‘on purpose.’ I’ve only had one relationship that emerged from a dating app. But I’ve dated folks because I went to local geek conventions. I sparked up something casual with someone I met via a Pokémon Go-like game, who later invited me to the house of a guy she was trying to bang at the time, and I wound up dating one of his girlfriends (open relationships, no drama). Met a burlesque performer while I was helping out at a show and we dated. Met a woman through a board game night. I met this chick through an online chat, where I was actually trying not to meet anyone - I was intentionally avoiding her because she was beautiful. Apparently she dug that I was funny and didn’t try to chat her up, so she asked for photos of my butt, then sold her house and moved 800 miles to marry me. (Some details have been simplified.)

The point is, you just go out, do what you enjoy. Don’t tromp through the forest looking for wildlife. Go sing in a meadow and let the rabbits, birds and deer come to you, you magnificent Disney princess.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 7 months ago (1 children)

she asked for photos of my butt, then sold her house and moved 800 miles to marry me.

gyatt??? gyatt rizzler???

[–] [email protected] 7 points 7 months ago (2 children)

I don’t know what that means, but yes. To all of it.

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[–] [email protected] 22 points 7 months ago (4 children)

The best advice I can give you is to stop actively looking and just have fun. Join mountain biking groups, hop on Meetup and do fun things in your city or state, and make friends naturally. The healthiest relationships stem from natural friendships because you build up a base of stuff in common and have a lot of trust before you ever make the jump to "do you wanna go out with me?"

All else fails, you can join singles adventure clubs which also look quite fun. The best relationships I've had with men and women were from natural friendships. The most awkward and short ones were generally from dating apps or where they just didn't have much in common with me.

I met my SO through playing 1,000 hours of a video game with them during the pandemic, constantly being on VC with them, then going on a really fun ski trip with them for about a week. I got to learn their habits, temperament, how they handle conflict, etc all over a long period of time. And a lot of my other friends matched in similar ways.

For what it's worth, I notice now when people are kinda hoping to like...date or something vs just be friends. Their body language and behaviors are just ever so slightly different than those that just want to be friends. I think when you aren't looking, people notice that you are more relaxed and don't put up walls as much. Might be one reason why it's easier to make friends as a kid, who knows, though.

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[–] [email protected] 20 points 7 months ago (2 children)

It took me like 5 years of heavy app use to finally meet my wife. I met a few nice people in that time, but the process was honestly extremely depressing and difficult.

I hate dating app culture... but I also have some social anxiety which makes meeting anyone organically virtually impossible.

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[–] Linkerbaan 19 points 7 months ago

Hit the Lawyer, delete the Gym, Facebook up.

No wait

[–] [email protected] 18 points 7 months ago (1 children)

I'll get the ball rolling, as a married person myself. Just starting out with questions. First off, what drives the feeling of not wanting to meet someone at the gym, and second, what drives bar and Tinder only being artificial relationships?

[–] [email protected] 21 points 7 months ago (1 children)

It’s fine to meet someone at the gym, in fact it’s a good way to select for someone with an interest in fitness.

Going to the gym for the purpose of meeting someone means you’d be hitting on someone who’s trying to work out, which makes it easier to be an accidental creep.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 7 months ago

yes that's what I was hinting at for the OP. If you go thinking you are going to hit on women, that's bad. If you go worried that you'll be creepy, that's a confidence issue. If you go and think hey, maybe tonight I'll see someone, then that's healthy

[–] scorpious 15 points 7 months ago* (last edited 7 months ago) (1 children)

Some great advice here already! So I’m going to suggest something novel:

Consider “settling,” just a tiny bit. What I mean is, don’t be so quick to assess someone new as A Partner…potential or otherwise. Try letting gals in who are attractive enough and carry themselves well, seem sane, easy going, smart, etc. Shared values, that sort of thing. A female friend with potential, if you will. See where it goes; be open to being surprised, pleasantly or otherwise.

I’ve seen so many younger men “auditioning” mates with unrealistic expectations about “clicking” or “just knowing” — and winding up as older bachelors who have never even had a chance to practice being in a relationship.

Yes, like literally anything else worth doing/having, it takes practice!

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[–] [email protected] 14 points 7 months ago

I am currently researching if being alone 90% of the time has any impact on the prospects of finding a partner.

After 37,5 years of constant research I have found a quite negative link between being alone and finding a partner

[–] [email protected] 11 points 7 months ago (3 children)

I just got ghosted by the girl I was talking to

I am sorry, but are you sure it isn't accidental?

I might have accidentally done something like that in the past myself to someone. I have 0 social skills and I am terrible at understanding relationships between people and picking up social cues correctly.
I feel like I just completely misunderstood the situation so I entirely stopped talking with that person (if that's what "ghosting" refers to).

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[–] [email protected] 10 points 7 months ago* (last edited 7 months ago)

I met my partner on Hinge. But all dating apps are awful these days.

Edit: Good luck!

[–] [email protected] 8 points 7 months ago (1 children)

The things that always works for me is stop trying and just working towards being a person I would want to have in my life.

At some point you will find yourself in a relationship without really knowing how it happened.

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[–] [email protected] 5 points 7 months ago

This book contains the latest research of what makes a man attractive to a woman:

https://annas-archive.org/md5/d7b5ceb2699ed79b4b4db586ef435eb0

It's pretty high-level, but important knowledge nonetheless. All of it is true in my experience.

I mean, I guess it’ll come to me.

However, this is an incredibly important mindset, if it means what I think it means. You have to truly be ok with being alone for the rest of your life. Just do whatever gives you most pleasure/fulfillment and talk to girls wherever you see them incidentally. Just go about your life, put yourself in situations that you like where other people exist, and strike up conversations.

It's completely ok to talk to someone at the supermarket, on the street, wherever. Many women fantasize about it in a romantic way. Many women obviously want to be left alone. You have to calibrate your empathy and figure out who is interested or not. But you are allowed to approach and state your interest. Just "dont be creepy"™

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