Asklemmy

There is an old fable that tells of two Asian monks walking down a dirt road and they came to a stream. At the stream there is an imperious woman of noble birth waiting impatiently for her carriage to be freed frob the muddy bank so that she can continue on her journey. She turns to the the monks and shouts at them to carry her across the stream. The younger monk freezes in uncertainty because their vows forbid them to touch a woman. The older monk approaches the woman and offers to carry her on his back. The entire trip across the stream she is shouting orders and complaining about his efforts. When they reach the other side she turns from him, ignoring him completely and turns her attention to continuing on her way. The older monk continues on his journey and the younger monk follows. They are silent for hours, the younger monk becomes more and more enraged at their treatment by the noble woman. Finally, he says to his companion, "Aren't you angry at that woman because of her treatment of you when you carried her across the stream?" The older monk replies without breaking his stride, "I put her down hours ago."

Honestly, therapy. I basically had the same reaction when my coworkers, who i thought were pretty alright, would cough in my general direction and say survival of the fittest because I was wearing a mask during peak covid. I had a lung condition that put me at high risk, and I told them that... And that lead them to be even more hostile to me, openly saying they hoped I'd get covid and die off quickly.

I struggled with the fact that people can turn on you so fast, and that people couldn't do the minimum effort to prevent someone they know from dying. We used to be cool, pretty often we went out to eat and hung out outside of work hours, then in the span of a couple months they were practically verbally assaulting me every day. I talked to a therapist and it really helped. I barely remember what they told me since it was years ago now, but it got me through it and I rarely think about it now.

1. Acknowledging that the people who hurt you are living in your head and you're ready to move on. A lot of folks are unable to even get this far.

2. Therapy.

3. Truly internalize the realization that the act of imagining scenarios where you get to hurt the people who hurt you is like drinking poison with the expectation that someone other than yourself will be made ill.

4. living a good life.

This journey is difficult and requires a lot of self-reflection and maturity. Best of luck to you.

I don’t think you can ever stop getting angry. Or should.

I think what you can do is not letting anger have power over you. The thought of these incidents can come up, you can recognize it makes you angry, but you don’t have to do anything with that anger. There’s another thought that will pop into your head in 30 seconds, that will trigger some other reaction, and so on and so forth.

This is an insight of meditation practice.

All the people who are saying “therapy” are spot on. It doesn’t mean something is wrong with you, or that you weren’t wronged, or even that you shouldn’t be angry. You’ve had some upsetting shit happen to you that you’re having trouble processing.

Just getting a neutral third party who you trust (EXTREMELY IMPORTANT) to seriously listen to you and help you figure out how to break out of cycles that are distressing is a huge advantage that is hard to replicate by yourself. If you don’t click with the first one (or two or three) that you talk to, dump them until you find someone you like.

Don’t put it off and let it fester. The more time your brain spends being angry the better it gets at it. That’s not necessarily you being thin-skinned, that’s your brain doing what it thinks it needs to do to stay safe. If you aren’t careful it’s very easy to spiral into being bitter and irritable about everything.

I find that saying things out loud, even to just myself, can really help. I read something that tried to say you use a different part of your brain when you hear yourself vs only think inside your own head, and that it makes a difference. I don't know if that is true, or backed by any evidence, but it works for me.

My mom is stubborn and doesn't forgive people who have wronged her, ever.

I just had a first-hand viewing of how difficult it made her life. She's more lonely than she should be, because she doesn't forgive or forget. It's also exhausting, being that angry all the time.

Once it clicked, I realized how exhausted all that anger I was also holding onto made me as well. I just didn't want to feel exhausted anymore.

There is no one way that works for everyone.

You have to release the emotion.

Try taking a deep breath exhale the emotion. Try with or without a mantra such as "it doesn't matter" or "this doesn't define me"

Try the above when you are already in a relaxed mental state where your allow your breathe to return you to the relaxed mental state.

This is basically meditative / mindfulness.

Allow yourself to feel the emotion but while controlling when you allow the feeling to enter you mind which also requires allowing yourself to releasing it.

When you find something that works through practice, even if it helps in the slightest of way, repeat the process whenever the intrusive thought occurs.

I suggest deep breathes because they are easy to sneak into any situation. But other options might include making a fist and releasing it, basically anything where you can control the tension.

Depends on the transgression.

Most of the time I recognize what miserable pieces of shit they are and will sometimes point that out to them while laughing in their face. Other times I'll laugh in their face and move on because I know we both know how much they suck. I do keep a shit list for the worst of them, though. The shit list is actionable and I do get very creative with it. But to be honest, I'm middle aged and there's barely two people on that list. It's not a priority.

Overall, my favorite thing to do is let them know they're not hiding how terrible of a person they are. Best example was some dude and his wife came over to scream at me and I looked at his wife and said, "I'm so sorry you're stuck with this guy. You clearly can do way better." That shut him down so fast all he could do was walk away flustered. Get that ball rolling in dissolving that marriage. *I also had a boss blame me for something I didn't do once and fire me. I dumped all his fuck ups on the HR exit interview and low and behold - he got canned a week later. I guess my answer is I get creative. Shrug.

Therapy. I bottle it up all week then let it loose and cry and shout for one hour on Thursday, and my therapist helps me think about it more deeply and see things more clearly. Idk how folks are out here raw dogging their mental health without a therapist.

From my experience people like the ones you described are horrible unhappy people. Instead of trying to make the world a better place they want to make everyone else as miserable as they are. The best thing you can do is not let them drag you down. When I have a memory of someone being horrible to me, I think back to how miserable of a person they are and immediately feel better about my own life.

The quote. "Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die"

It's like you're doubling down on what happened. Either they didn't know/care it hurt at the time or wanted to hurt you but now you're using your energy to extend the hurt.

When you start getting angry about it acknowledge it but then do something positive for yourself.

You probably know better, but I can't help saying this anyway: Don't go for any substance or addictive activities unless it is clearly healthy living. Substance abuse, sometimes even simple use, when in bad mood can lead to more of that bad mood. Substance use at better times can be more effective in enjoying stuff more and having less time to think about bad thoughts, than trying to suppress bad thoughts via substance abuse during those moments. Using substances as good mood enhancers rather than escapes from bad moods, of course depending on the person, context, and actual variety of the substance, can come to you better and as a very natural, mostly non-addictive form of substance use.

Addictive activities to suppress unresolved emotions can lead to withdrawal effects just like substance abuse, some activities do that soon and some after long durations.

I'm not a gymbro, and actually a fatass on high levels of overweightpart on the scale, but fitness activities do help with getting rid of rent free thoughts, secreting some kind of hormones that can help lift your mood, leading to situations (hopefully nicer) like meeting people, seeing even ordinary sights that can look stunning, feeling of progress on something, etc. that can replace those bad thoughts, at least most of the time. It can work very early if you can enjoy the feeling of slightly but a bit lengthy sore muscles, and/or it can give visible satisfying results in the mid/long term if you can keep up.

Not saying do this last, since the events you said can stick with you rightfully as very indignifying things to do unto others, getting over these thoughts via your own attempts or your social circles' help may not prove good enough, even with best effort and intentions. Seeking professional help, even as the first next thing, could prove to be best in this case.

Try to see what works for you, and take any example or advice as alternatives or options rather than surefire methods. There are many variables, including context, person, perception, reception, intensity, duration, etc. that are very crucial in resolving psychological situations, and finding the exact answers for your variables is almost surely improbable. As how most therapy are assisting you find solutions for your problems, and not giving you answers to your problems, you'll understand what works for you better in the end.

Mine is my family. Not sure I will ever really be able to let go. It's pretty hard to let go of how badly those who were supposed to care for and protect you failed because they were more concerned about how other Christian Fascists viewed them socially than they were about their actual fucking kids.

And like all Boomers, they refuse to take responsibility for anything. Saying to a six year old "you are just a lazy bastard just like your father" is something they conveniently don't remember happening. Probably because for me it was a formative moment in my childhood and for them it was just another fucking Tuesday of yelling at their kids.

rent free

It's pedantic, but I dislike this phrase a lot. It applies shame of all things to whatever motives someone might have to something. It's one of those "it sounds good to people who aren't going through those things, let's use it on this person who is thinking about the time her kids were taken from her" kinds of things. I for one am analytical about all of my feelings, I don't feel sentiments just for their own sake. Or I did, back before I had anhedonia (which might explain how I personally am doing with this issue, though ironically, some of the same people who used to say we should be more passive now say I don't feel as much as I should). I'm not some willy-nilly revenge seeker, but I don't know how someone could say I don't have any reason to proceed with caution around those who I might envision as still being a potential neglector to me. Though I can attest many people like us find solace in making friends with the friends of the people who wronged said people, as it's said to create a sanction-like effect.

A couple quotes...

Be who you are and say what you mean, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.

God, give me grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, Courage to change the things which should be changed, and the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.

Both are difficult in terms of original source, but the best quotes usually are ;)

Point is, there's three classes of problems. Most are type one - not my fucking problem.

Type two is what you're talking about here, your problem, but you didn't cause it. I've found that like 90% of these require serenity, because you can't fix stupid... You kinda just gotta consider that until the light bulb comes on I guess? I've never had any issue with this one personally, it just always seemed self evident.

I've always struggled with type three, the things that are my problem and I caused them. That's the shit I dwell on, because you can't take it back, and sometimes, you can't fix those either. You gotta swallow the pill on the fact that you did a stupid...

You weren't the guy doing the stupid, ya know?

This quote from Worf (ST:TNG). Admittedly I’m still working at it and by no means perfect, but it does help when thoughts like this from the past arise:

“Thinking about what you can't control only wastes energy, and creates its own enemy.” - Lt. Worf

It’s simplistic and sounds easier than it is given such complicated topics. But on the surface, it does help me to remember why it’s ultimately not in my best interest to think about destructive/negative things.

I'm still learning how myself, but something that's helped so far is repeatedly telling myself that the only way they can hurt me now is if I'm thinking about them.
It's the only weapon people have left once they're out of your life. If you keep being angry about something that's long over, you're giving them the power to keep hurting you, free of any effort on their part, and they don't deserve that luxury.

I'm genuinely asking: What makes you not want to be angry at the people who hurt you?

Pretty much this.

I've become so jaded with people in general I can't be arsed bothering with what anyone but my wife and mother think of me, do to me or say to me.

(my dog and cat too tbh)

i spend a lot of time alone and so my mind wandering out unattended can be a real problem. years ago (45 now), i finally traced back to the single moments in my life that caused my demise and since then my brain LOVES to torture me repeatedly with the pain and betrayal and shame and anger of those moments.

1.5 years ago i found something that helps. i made "elevator music" for my mind.

i have always had a bit of a problem getting songs stuck in my head. so i found one that i like but not love (not a favorite song) that i have known for forever, and put the chorus and bridge on permanent replay.

the tune and lyrics are available as a reflex, last for about a minute before the loopback, it is calming and centering and allows me to manually wrest control away from thought processes that are harming me but seem to be happening automatically.

it may be that this is too specific of a solution, but it aids my sanity. good luck to you.

(the song is: "Spinning the Wheel" by George Michael)

What you are trying to do falls loosely under cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), doing some research on that might help you tunnel down to something useful and actionable for you.

For myself, I use compartmentalisation. Effectively stick it in a mental box. My brain will periodically/randomly pull it out to play with. When this happens I ask myself 3 questions.

• Do I have the time/mental resources to deal with this.

• Can I gain any new understanding by going back over it.

• Do I gain anything by hanging on to it?

The first is to effectively let you put it off. You can tell your subconscious you can deal with it at a better time.

The second is stripping the meat from the bones. If you were taken advantage of, how do you protect against it? If the situation occurred again, what would you do differently? You won't get everything at once, it takes time to find all the improvements.

The last is the kicker. What do you still gain? If you still have lessons to learn, that fine. If it will be actionable, keep wary. Eventually though, you'll find there is nothing left of value to gain, and it's become redundant. Stick it back in its box. Eventually your subconscious will get bored bring it up to the same, unemotional, results and it will fade. It might crop up later, if a new situation arises, or new information becomes relevant.

The goal of this is to strip the event of its value, and discard the rest. E.g. your old boss in the example, do you honestly care enough to want to put effort into any sort of revenge or retaliation. Likely no, it's not worth the costs. Can you learn anything more from the situation? How do you spot people like him in the future? What would you do differently? What landmines did you step on, and how can you avoid them in the future. Once you have all this stripped out, the remaining anger will become hollow and fade. There will be nothing worth the effort of being angry.

This whole process takes time to both learn and apply. It's worth putting the effort in, however. You'll still feel the anger, but you can consume it, rather than letting it consume you.

There's a cognitive bias called the "fundamental attribution error".

Essentially, when we do something wrong we have an internal justification. If we cut someone off in traffic we have a good reason

"i'm late for work and i didn't mean to cut him off"

When someone else does it, they are an asshole. They cut people off because they have an inferior character.

Some people have more of an issue with this bias than others. Essentially, we all have an internal narrative. A certain "identity of self" that we believe in. For example, I like to think I'm a good person. So if I walk past a homeless guy and don't give a dollar of change I have in my pocket - it creates cognitive dissonance. I'm a good person - yet I didn't share my change with the needy.

These are two contradictory ideas and therefore something needs to be done by the psyche to bridge this gap. This is where self rationalization comes in.

"he's probably just looking to buy drugs anyways"

With the rationalization, we can keep our "good person" narrative intact and we move on with our life. This is a perfectly normal and healthy way of living. It's part of how humans learn to interact with reality and society at large.

The issue comes when we see actions done by others that we feel wrong us. We cannot see what is going on in their brain. We don't know what is going on in their life. Like Gandalf said

Many that live deserve death. Some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them, Frodo? Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment. Even the very wise cannot see all ends.

When someone else does something, we do not have the same ability to rationalize away their actions. Therefore we are much more critical of them for an action that if we took, we would have justified away.

What does this mean? Don't hold a grudge. Try and give people grace and move on with your life. Maybe the manager is just an asshole - or maybe they believed, incorrectly or otherwise, that you were a net detriment to the team. Perhaps they were having a stressful time and they felt you made a mountain out of a molehill.

Perhaps if you were sitting in their position, you would have made the same decision to fire you. It's hard to see all ends.

tldr: forgive and forget, stop judging people so harshly

i've found people who are like this have an awful internal "mental space". always negative, everyone's always out to get them, etc. Life is much easier when you assume the opposite. Reality is what you make it.

get angry. get revenge. people don't learn lessons until there are consequences. stop being afraid of anger. it's a motivator.

These are shitty situations indeed, however it's part of life, we all go (and will go) through shitty situations.

I assume you are an emotionally sensitive individual (which is an awesome trait!), so one of the things you can do is to tell yourself that their behavior is because of their own issues, it's theirs, and not yours, and think about it like a ball or an object that you throw back to them. You can even laugh while you do it, because it's actually funny when someone tries to throw his problems on you, but you throw it back on them!

People who act this way are 100% have problems, and their problems are theirs, and not yours.

For future situations, your anger for these situations might be a symptom of an underlying metal state.

I'm my opinion, therapy is the answer.