You're right, life isn't fair, and isn't ever going to be everything going the way you want.

I would still challenge you about the attitude that everything is completely outside your control. You've heard the quote, "the harder I work the luckier I get"?

Yes, our opportunities are constrained by the world around us. If you tell a kid they can become president, that's almost certainly not true. But by working on yourself, by recognizing your strengths, by focusing on what's important to you, you can position yourself to take advantage of the opportunities you get.

In the dating world that could look like participating in activities you enjoy that also involve other people (tabletop games, bird watching, skydiving whatever). You might never meet someone at those things, but by increasing the volume of human interaction, you're improving your odds, while also honing your social skills if the occasion arises.

It doesn't require trying to be someone you're not, and will also be counterproductive if you do. In sales sometimes they'll tell you to "go for the no." If someone isn't going to buy you want to find that out quickly so you can spend your time on someone who will. In a relationship, if someone is going to reject who you are, you want to find that out quickly, not pretend to be some other person.

Sadly and unfortunately true. Though the reality is that it's still bitter and acidic eating away at someone who craves connection. Luck, it seems, is really the determinate factor in much of life.

Still, I hope you get lucky and find what you want from life as much as I hope for it myself.

Fake it till you make it is a mindset and approach to overcome self doubt and to be able to improve self confidence. It not a guarantee of success nor does it include ignoring obstacles in your way.

I don't mean to give you unrequested advice so apologies if I come across as dismissive of your experience. I just feel like I can add some points that people in your situation might benefit from.

And that is to not chase love in itself. I found that as I got older I also accepted that I would grow old without a romantic relationship. Though I did invest time in my friendship relationships, and that did work.

While being somewhat saddened by it, I accepted that the chances of me finding love through dating apps was low, in particular because I don't want to have kids, which obviously is a deal-breaker for many people. So my approach there was to just try to enjoy the moment without expectations and without judgement. If I got a match I'd try to have a fun conversation, if it was fun I'd try to set up a date, and if that was fun I'd keep it going. Just going for having an enjoyable time at that moment without expectations. It made even the dates that weren't going anywhere long term enjoyable experiences, with the occasional opportunity for physical intimacy with someone who was on the same page about expectations. I could have lived like that but just got plain lucky this year I think. For me it still feels amazing to have happened so I'm not going to type lies and say it will happen for everyone. But I went into this relationship with no expectations either so regardless of what happens in the future I will treasure what is happening now, as I'm a relationship with the most amazing woman who adores aspects of me that would often be things other dates told me made me seem immature and obsessive.

So, you and people that relate to you, I genuinely wish you happiness and good things. In all aspects of life. But please don't give up on meeting new people if you can, you might make someone else happy just by existing. Or if not you could at least give them a nice date.

Not sure why you're being downvoted... You nailed it, man.

For me that post wasn't about "faking it", but truly finding something in yourself you can take confidence in. So I guess, as you said, putting effort towards other things seems like it could work, and also having interests and projects is attractive! At least to me it is.

And i get being bitter and defensive if you have been hurt, but that is only going to push others away. I don't write this to give advice so apologies if it sounds like that. What you wrote just reminded me of a guy I know with mild autism who has a similar view on life and relationships. And he is cool, fun, knows a lot about interesting topics, and yeah is also oblivious about social clues but that is not a problem. What is a problem is when he is bitter, defensive and blames everything on others while not seeing what he does wrong (probably related with his condition but still). When he is like that, he is a chore to be around, and when people try to tell him he only feels attacked so he won't listen. As I said, no advice, just wanted to share, maybe it's not that similar to your case. Best of luck to you

They were talking about sex, not love. Many autistic folk have sex, so if that's your excuse, it's not a great one.

I know exactly how you feel. At one point while reading I thought "Did I write this and forget about it?" It's sad that you and I and many others are living in a world where being called "funny" is an insult to us. We don't want to be funny, we want to be "dependable", we want to hear "You make me feel safe" or "I'm glad you're here for me". We want to be good listers but nobody ever talks to us. "Haha, you're such a funny guy." Is all we get.

What people answering you don't understand is the difference between fighting for love and fighting for the CHANCE for love. This is like the difference between struggling to win at a slot machine and struggling to get in the casino. Then people try to convince you that there's a system to it. Please, as if we don't know the rules - shower, groom yourself, be assertive but not pushy, read the room, show interest in their interests but don't interrogate, complement their efforts, be charming and make them laugh. We can follow all this to the tee but all we ever hear is "Yes, but not you". And don't get me started at the cowardism. There's never constructive criticism, at best there's a " no" at worst there's a lie. How many times have I heard "Sorry, I'm not really interested in a relationship right now." only to find the same person dating somebody 2 weeks later. Must have been a life changing 2 weeks to change your mantra like that.

The problem is that there's an appropriate time for trying and to be picked. I understand what you're saying about people I Gaza, but this is a fucked up situation in general and outside the norm. I got raised in a normal household, went to a normal school, had normal hobbies and normal friends yet still, nobody ever saw any romantic value in me. And now I'm old, I don't have the safe environment of of innocence but I'm also not allowed to make mistakes. I have zero experience yet I'm expected to outcompete everybody. That's the issue. If I'm interested in someone, that someone will always have options beyond me. What others are basically saying is that you'll find love only if someone comes along that is so cornered that you're their only option. I don't want to be someone's only choice, I want to be someone's first choice, but people like us aren't even second, third or fourth - we are not even on the list. There will be always younger, better more successfully and better looking options. And the older we get the more baggage and expectations people were interested in have.

I feel like a car that hasn't been sold by the dealer, then new models came along and nobody wants the old one anymore. And the longer it sits in the lot, the more people start to wonder what's wrong with it and why it hasn't been sold. It becomes a loop of people seeing your lack of worth and assigning even less worth to you. And then at some point you become a write-off, a statistic - cars not sold, lives not lived.

I'm on the autism spectrum too. I'm on my second marriage. My current partner knows I'm n the spectrum, and (mostly) accepts it. We've been married for eight years. My prior partner and I married before I was tested; they kept expecting me to change.

And now, knowing what I do, I’d not put effort towards something as hard to find and keep as love.

Here's the secret: NT people also have to put in effort to find and keep love. There are no fairy tales for anyone, and it requires effort from everyone. If you're not willing to put in that effort, then no, you're never going to find and keep love. And there aren't guarantees, because you're talking about another person, one that has their own internal life, and is making their own choices. When I practice shooting, my improvement in that area is entirely on me; my gun doesn't have it's own will. It is an extension of me. When I'm working on connecting to my partner, they still have their own agency. So if I don't seem to be making progress, that may not be me at all, but due to their choices.