Your analogy with looking for a job is beautiful, it perfectly captures the feeling. No matter how much you apply yourself, if your resume is shit, and you have no meaningful experience nobody is interested in you. There is no going back, no redos. If you didn't get opportunities early on, why should anybody give them to you now. There's always going to be someone younger, better, less desperate and more suitef to do the job. But at least there are times when workers are desperately needed or agencies to help you find at least something. But the are not contingencies for being unlovable.

And it sucks. I try to keep my composure, but I slip more and more. I've gone from asking "Who are you as a person?" to "How are you going to hurt me?". It's like a self fulfilling proficiency, people don't like you so you become more unlikable. I'm so bitter I'm probably past being a good partner anyway. It's a straight up paradox, I need a miracle to happen to ever get into a relationship, but the most rational thing for me to do would be to say "No" if it ever happens.

Violence, sadness, pain, hate all have in common that at a certain point they become so absurd that it loops back around to being borderline comical. But loneliness is a bottomless pit, there's no desensitization to it. It's like the opposite of a drug, the first time you don't even realize you're alone but the longer the feeling persists the harder it hits. And everything is a constant reminder of your loneliness. Songs that are not about love or heartbreak are few and far between, movies and books are the same. It certainly makes you feel like the bottom of society. Most laws are even made for the sole purpose of being able to maintain a family - a family I will never have. What's even the point of voting or advocating if the rules aren't even made with me in mind.

Dating is not a sport or hobby, there is no 2nd or 3rd place. I don't expect to pick up a tennis racket and be world class, neither does anybody else. But if there are people that are not physically or mentally able to do certain sports, then why aren't some just as unable to participate in love. People saying "You got to believe in yourself and it's all going to work out." is as much of an insult as telling someone in a wheelchair that they are going to be an Olympic runner. No we are not, we are damaged goods beyond repair. I don't even want to have a relationship anymore, I just want to stop being hurt with constant reminders of a life I never had a chance for.

It doesn't even come with any freedoms. You still have the same responsibilities, same bills, same problems but you have absolutely no one to have you back.