this post was submitted on 26 Dec 2024
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And Finally...

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Do you realize that this is the 12th year we've run this series? Time really flies when you don't have something lodged up your butt. But for those of you who do, read on to see if you made this year's list of the weirdest stuff that entered America's orifices. If not, there's always next year.

All reports are taken from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission's database of emergency room visits, all descriptions are verbatim, and all the entries below involved some very poor decisions.

...

  • FINGER PUPPET

...

  • "SHOVED A BAG CONTAINING 20 HYDROXYZINE PILLS INTO HIS RECTUM FOR 'STREET CRED'"

...

  • "MOTORIZED TIRE PUMP INSERTED IN HER RECTUM AND WAS INSUFFLATED FOR A DURATION OF APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES"
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[–] [email protected] 11 points 1 week ago (3 children)

Most of these are obviously the unfortunate end to an otherwise pleasant time, but I can genuinely see the two baby shark toys happening because of the genuine chaos of having children. The tub's kind of a mess after kiddo's bath and it took longer than normal but you gotta get to work - oh no! You slipped on a toddler paint stick! Tragic. The worst thing is on the way to the ER you're just thinking about how that baby shark toy is the only way you can keep them from sobbing about taking a bath.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Slipping and falling on stuff and said stuff ending in your rectum. As we all had in our lives. You know, the common way. I honestly don't think it's an accident, if only from my limited experience slipping and falling.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 week ago

occam's razor here would be what you're saying, instead of the looney tunes meets seinfeld type mishap I'm suggesting!

[–] MTK 7 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (1 children)

You would have to have the skinniest butt with the loosest sphincter for this to happen, so plausible

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 week ago

hank hill slips and hits that tub of bath toys at such a high impact, the toy's gone before he realizes what's happened....tragic

[–] eran_morad 7 points 1 week ago (1 children)

It was a million-to-one shot, doc.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 week ago

i can't read articles like this without remembering that episode. there are a lot if baby sharks in tubs out there, and a lot of people slipping every day. it's unlikely, but.........a million to one shot, maybe?

[–] [email protected] 10 points 1 week ago

A bag of soil?

[–] [email protected] 10 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Pencil Sideways

How the fuck?

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 week ago

Very carefully.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 1 week ago (2 children)

How the fuck the candy cane not broke

[–] GroundedGator 13 points 1 week ago

It's easy. Literally anyone can do it. You should give it a shot. Peppermint gives a refreshing feeling.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 week ago

A long and embattled life of anal experimentation has left the barrier to entry quite... Loose.

[–] Valmond 8 points 1 week ago (2 children)

Worst:

In vagina: knife

Best 3 (in rectum):

  • 3 AAA BATTERIES

  • 2 AA BATTERIES

  • 1 D BATTERY

[–] TheDoozer 15 points 1 week ago (1 children)

And a partridge in a pear tree!

[–] jaggedrobotpubes 2 points 1 week ago

🎵🎶 on the wooorst day of chriiistmas some jagoff gave to meee 🎵🎶

[–] [email protected] 11 points 1 week ago

In series or parallel?

[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 week ago (1 children)

The fact there's an entire penis section... No. Just no.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 week ago

The Domino was the standout of that section for me. From a shape standpoint.

[–] cynar 7 points 1 week ago (1 children)

You got to feel for anyone who ever legitimately fell, and landed, impaling themselves on something. You can guarantee that no-one involved will EVER believe them that it was an accident.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 week ago

supposedly it's either impossible or would cause enough bleeding and trauma to be medically distinguishable

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 week ago

tire pump

Someone thought real life worked like inflation porn

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 week ago

Rectum? Damn near killed 'em!