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Virginity isn't real. It's a label used to shame women by its absence and men by its presence, but doesn't say anything useful about a person.
For you, you're still young. Barely done growing, biologically. Your life isn't over, it's just now beginning.
I love this. So true. I hope OP can take this to heart.
Why do we do this shit to each other?
The saddest thing is that it's usually an attempt to feel better than someone else, not by lifting yourself up but by pushing others down.
In some aspects I do feel like it is beginning but also the college life is ending and it felt like these were supposed to be my wild years. And while I did experience many things, sexual relations were not one of them. And it feels like I've lost my chance
Bro you're 24 the only way you've lost your chance is if you decide to give up. There's plenty of people who meet someone in their 40s and are happy nonetheless.
My life only gets more wild the longer I live. College is a good time to start having sex but hardly the only time.
I had my first real gf at 27. Needless to say I had given up years ago. A couple of years later she broke my heart and I started to look for someone else even if I thought I would never get over her. I had a couple of hook ups and a crazy person (super fun sex but not someone I would share my life with!) before giving up on love. 2 months after ending it with crazy person I thought that was the end for intimate relations when I found my current gf and we are happy together today with a son.
Every time I found someone, it was when I had given up. Maybe it made me relax more in the company of girls or it was something else, I don't know but I just didn't care if things would work out or not. I think they can sense that.
Don't worry about it. I think I first had sex at 30, mostly due to a religious upbringing that I was in the middle of finding my way out of.
If you want to live a sexy life, go do it, but if you like your current life and just haven't found the one, that's something that takes patience and persistence.
One thing you can do is take steps to make sex-positive friends. You can start down that path by talking more openly and frankly about sex, and destigmatize it.
All of this. I had sex once at 14 and then not again for a few years. Losing my "v-card" didn't materially affect my life or relationships.
I didn't discover good sex until my thirties. Due in large part to finding some sex-positive, kinky friends. I think I only ever had sex with one of them, but the social environment had a big effect on my outlook and was a big game changer.
I mean I havent had a real relationship since the age of 15 and that was barely anything. But I am afraid of what potentional partners may think of me if I havent had sex yet. Feel like they will think that there much be a reason someone didnt want to have sex with me already
They aren't going to know unless you tell them. And if you're already to the point of discussing sex with someone, you're probably past the point of that being a hangup. It's like worrying about the size of your junk—by the time someone is at the point of seeing it, it doesn't matter.
Sex isn't precious. Don't get me wrong. It's intimate and a wonderful way to feel close to another person physically and emotionally. But I feel like it's so intimidating because people think it's precious. It's just sex. Every single thing in your genetic lineage before you has done it for hundreds of millions of years.
Are you going to get hung up about a woman who tells you she's been with thirty people? She's likely just as self-conscious about being judged. I don't know how to express this in a way that is easy for someone on your side of the conversation to hear. I struggled with it earlier in my life. Just worry about being a person someone would be interested in having a relationship with, and sex will follow.
It's when someone is pursuing sex or marriage or whatever without regard to whom that they come across as desperate and creepy.
I dont actively try to look for it but I do talk about with my friends. Regathless thanks for sharing
I think most people have certain expectations of where they will be in life at a certain age. Milestones. Some are kind of baked in to society. In the US, you'll graduate high school (secondary school) around 18. You can legally drink and, increasingly, smoke pot at 21. You'll graduate from college/University around 22-24. Some cultures of origin have you married by 20, with kids by 22. You should be a grandparent by 45. If you don't own a house by 30 you've failed at life. And on. And on. And on, ad nauseum.
We put these obligations and pressure on ourselves and we don't need to. Be told, you can let go of these pressures. Society, family, and culture expectations are not mandatory.
You're 24. You've got time and even if you never have sex there just so much to life. I recently buried an elderly friend. She lived to 92, died a virgin, and her only regret was not traveling more. Sure she was probably Ace, but it just shows there's more than the milestones we put on ourselves.
Have peace OP. Don't compare yourself to others, you didn't know their secrets, only their outside self
I mean yeah of course I have milestone and goals. But without them I would not have the motivation to do things in life. And I feel like this is one of those goals which I'm falling at missirably
To be clear, i was referencing "milestones" that are foisted on us by our society and upbringing. Personal goals are fantastic.
Also, if you'll allow an old man to ramble, goals are those things we can accomplish without the permission of a specific person. For example, getting job in your chosen field is a goal. Getting a job at Google is a hope or dream. Buying a house is a goal. Buying that house is a dream. Sex can be transactional (goal), but is healthiest (imo) when it is the natural extension of a close friendship that becomes a relationship.
Anyway, don't lose hope. You sound like you're in a good spot as far as Maslow's hierarchy of needs goes. Life is indeed a journey, as cliché as it sounds. We've all been dealt certain hands, and some of us can trade some cards out. Others are stuck with what they have in hand. A lot of satisfaction in life comes from our perspective and attitude. My last bit of old man advice is this: before you begin feeling down on your situation in life take a positive inventory. If you haven't already, start each day by writing ten positive things in your life. Or five. Or one. But do it. Add to the list daily. When the dark days come, review the list.
I didn't know you, but I love you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some clouds to yell at
I think you may have the wrong perspective here. Sex isn't a milestone or something to "be obtained." If you go into an encounter trying to check a box then, you are setting yourself up to be disappointed. Sex is something fun that happens naturally between partners who are open and both have interest in sex. Focus on being happy with yourself (be a person that you would want to have sex with) and investing in your relationships.
Grandparent by 45?
What the fuck place is that, Siberia or Alabama?
Rural Midwest America is wild. It is depressing how many people think it's normal to start a family at 17/18, never leave their hometown (of less than 5000), and never try to add to their knowledge of the world. (17 is being generous btw)
Don't get me wrong. There are some lovely people from the country. There's also a lot of willful ignorance
Have an grumpy upvote, because I'm not happy with that response.
Normal to start a family at 17? People have no sense of perspective. I didn't have a kid until I was 30, and here in the UK I know plenty of guys who didn't become fathers until their late 30's.
I can't imagine how hard it would be going through my 20's with kids. It sounds awful.
Small town America man. I 100% agree with you BTW. When my oldest brother was born my parents had been married two years, and were 20 years old. TWENTY. Fortunately my siblings and I were taught to think before committing. We all married, at the earliest, in our mid-twenties. No one had kids until late twenties/early thirties. My wife and I are child free for medical reasons, but that let's us be the aunt/uncle that can help out without being completely brain-drained from parenting 24/7
Sex, from a physical standpoint, is very overrated, and being a virgin does not actually mean anything. Stop overthinking it.
Good sex is not overrated. It can be immensely satisfying, fun, and romantic, depending on what one is into. It's not for everyone, but for some, once you find the right sexual match and develop some experience with it, it can be so great. It's also very healthy for people to have a good sex life.
"A good sex life" will vary and be different for all.
Sure, but that has little to do with virginity. Tons of people lose their virginity in one night stands or bad relationships with forgettable to awful sex. If your only goal is to lose your virginity you’re not on the right path to having a great relationship.
Fun and romance aren't physical attributes. Sex is great when you're doing it with someone you have a deep connection with, when you're feeling close and connected with that person when you do it. It's intimate not because of the sex itself but the feelings you share for each other. That's what makes it great sex. From a pure physical standpoint I'd say masturbation is much better.
Is not only about the sex but also having a meaningful enough relationship to want to do it with that person
If it's not only about the sex, why was the sex the first (and only) thing you reached for?
Everytime I find someone and start getting along with them really well. I think to my self this will finally be the year which I stop being a virgin. But it just has not worked out.
So you have someone you get along with really well, and instead of being happy about that you whine (and yes, this is whining) about them not having sex with you.
Your focus is on sex and that's the only thing you can change: your focus.
I never said this was my only and first thought but it is part of the topic of the conversation and it is something that crosses my mind but its not the main thing I think about when I'm getting to get to know someone
You didn't say it. You showed it. Of all the things you could mention about meeting people you got along with and enjoyed spending time with, you complained they wouldn't sex you up.
That tells me where your focus is.
You know what? Women can tell when the guy sitting across from us is thinking about us as chiefly a pile of meat that they want to fuck.
That's also not something you can enforce. Don't meet people with the outlook of them becoming your partner. The best relationships are those where you know that person for a long time and have a bond with already. So find ways to make friends instead and just let things happen when they happen.
Happy belated birthday! Don't worry too much about virginity. Sex is cool, but can be overrated too.
Thank you. I mean its not only about the sex I also just want to be in a nice relationship being aborad without family is hard
Sex is okay I guess...
But have you ever had a mocha on a cool and rainy autumn day while your pet cuddles up next to you on the couch?
No contest in my book.
We occasionally get similar posts here. You might be in a different situation than most of your peers. But certainly not the only one telling this story here on Lemmy. And at 24 you're not even that old compared to other people who are 30 or past that and in a similar situation.
Don't pressure yourself too much. That'd be my advice. Life isn't a competition in who has sex at what age. There is more to it. If you want to focus on career, if if you're too busy or just introverted... That's fine. If you're unhappy and want a partner, go ahead and try to change something about it, go out and socialize, go dating. Just be aware society always tries to pressure us into doing things, like have sex, or a beautiful partner, or buy a big SUV or pickup truck or whatever. The thing is, you're not everyone else but an individual. Go figure what's good for you, and not what everyone else wants you to do. If you let them reduce you to that, that's a sure way to become unhappy.
(Edit: And I can empathize. Any fear of missing out is real. But usually things look more exciting and indispensable than they really are. And you can never change the past. Be a bit careful when growing up not to become some grumpy version of yourself who is just sad about the past and missed opportunities. It's usually more healthy to focus on the opportunities which lie ahead, because these are the ones you can still take.)
Well I have tried to go on dates or try to find someone but I am also picky with the people I choose to go out with. What I take most from your comment is the last part, thank you.
Care to list your standards?
If that's too personal no sweat.
Its hard to list them just like that and some of them are pretty standard IMO. I would say the most impactful standard that I have is non smoker (tabaco), weed I dont mind as long as it isn't a habit.
Other which I feel like is really big is consistent communication. Which you might think is easy to find but in my experience some girls just dont answer for days and that is not something which I appricate. i know in some situations it just means that she is not that interested but I get that a lot :/
This is one of the obvious ones I guess but not being mean and initialy trying to be nice to people.
It's very good that your standards are not based on your perception of beauty. Keep at it.
Take care. I figure most people hear all phrases and empty words in situations like that. There might be something true in those phrases but I'm pretty sure they don't light anyone's mood. I think it's completely valid to be picky with dates. I did the same. Also meant I was older than lots of my friends when I found a first partner. Like way older. But these go along. You can't have it both ways.
And reading through the other comments here, it seems you're struggling with your own identity. Who you are, who you want to be and what makes you you... I can only say having had sex is not a big part of what defines someone. It's mainly other things. And btw, if you hook up with someone and their main concern is whether you're virgin or if your body-count is exactly right... They're not paying attention to who you really are. They should like you because you're interesting, or funny, have similar goals in life, or you're a nice person, maybe someone to trust. Those are the important things about people. Focusing just on sex is for people who are mostly concerned with that. I'd say valid if you're looking for someone for a one-night-stand, but next to unimportant to long term relationships.
And with the other milestones in life... I think I already gave my perspective. All the find a girl, build a house, settle down and the proper ages for that originate from other people. You can choose to take it and run with that. Or these aren't meant for you. Sometimes circumstances don't allow for it, sometimes it turns out it's not what makes you happy. And seems you're not in a particularly bad place. You're relatively young, you took care of your education and are about to graduate. You did a good job with that. I agree it'll become harder to meet new people once you start an internship and then start working. And you're at the correct age to re-evaluate your goals and what you achieved. We do that at certain times in our lives. Finding one's identity is hard and a struggle. I don't know your whole story. I mean if you're otherwise well, feel free to explore and/or be who you are. Or change your mind about things. Just try to find your own interests and passions. And take your time with that. If it feels hard to do it, that's because it is. (Disclaimer: All of that is just my perspective on life. Not necessarily true.)
Yeah I mean overall my life is good. I have education, I am financially stable, in good health. But its hard to see where to go from here especially not having found anyone.
Also something I have not mentioned, which I dont know if its valid or stupid to think this way but I would ideally like to lose my virginity with someone else who is a virgin. Since if I have been waiting so long for the right person I would like to feel that way too for them to choose me as the right person
Hmmh, yeah that further narrows down the list of potential candidates. I can't give any good recommendation. To give some insight: Most people say their first time wasn't good sex at all. It's unfamiliar, you don't know what to do, you're stressed out and it doesn't feel good etc. It's certainly exciting and something to remember. But usually not enjoyable. And keep in mind losing virginity is a one-time thing. You can enjoy the look or habits or jokes of someone each day they're around. The virginity thing is something you do one day and then it has lost it's meaning in a way. Idk. Make of this what you will. I can sympathize with someone saying they don't want to experience their first time with some random person but with someone special. I think that's valid. The other way around is a bit more tricky. You can't really expect that from someone. You can try. At the same time be aware of your high standards and expectations. That doesn't mean you have to lower your standards. But you could squander a chance at meeting your potential partner if you're not open to it. And these things happen if you're focused on small details and that makes you unable to look at the whole picture of who someone is.
And the last thing, we all can't look into the future. Statistically, your first partner won't end up being your spouse. It's a nice romantic dream to marry your first love. But more something from a movie. So if you're going for that, that could also turn out to be a fruitless endeavor. In any case, you'll know in hindsight. But I really don't know how much effort to put into making a fist relationship perfect. Maybe it's a good idea to strive for it, but not be entirely crestfallen if it turns out differently.
I'm 30, a virgin, and don't anticipate that it will change any time soon. It's not as if there is a big sign over my head saying that. People aren't going to know unless you tell them. And I don't see anyone permanently changing in a noticeable way over sex unless it was a case of something like abuse. So I don't think it's that big of a deal, even though it's a bit more on the unusual side of things.
Is sex with someone else something you want? Or do you not really care? Both are indifferent.
I'll be 25 in one more month on the 16th. Unless someone is from a culture where the standards are lower (because the definition of virginity changes based on culture, demonstrating how much of a social construct it is), I'm still a virgin (even as a woman) but I don't really care that I'm one. I didn't care for physical expressions of love before trying them out, then tried just enough out to know if I want it, and still didn't care for them enough to seek them out. Physical fulfillment is very overinflated.
I think I'd love to offer a bit of a different outlook personally. Most of the comments I see here are going in the direction of "don't stress yourself about it too much, you will be able to do it/ it is cultural pressure". I personally experience that for me it doesn't help at all - like yk, I know I shouldn't stress myself too much about it anyway, but I still do. And my personal opinion is that every emotion is incredibly valuable. If you feel insecure about it and if you feel you should make a fuss, these is something important your emotional system is trying to convey to you.
Most of the time, emotions aren't shallow, but rather a bit deeper. In this case I presume the issue for you probably isn't just that you are a virgin, there is something deeper connected to this feeling. For example, maybe the fact you are a virgin also means that you don't get the sexual validation you need and deserve to feel confident in your body. Or maybe it is connected with the need to belong: you want to be able to experience what other people feel, and you don't do so right now. The feeling of not belonging is a very powerful one.
I will be honest - when I was younger, it really sucked. I only has first sexual contact in university, so pretty late for the metrics of my surroundings. Until this time, I felt very insecure and also to some extent worthless - why is everyone able to have it and I'm not? Am I broken or wrong? I presume some of the same thoughts plague you as well.
Probably you already know common strategies for dealing with this feeling. In case you don't, pretty good ones involve working out, meditation, good sleep and nutrition, therapy, talking with a friend about your struggles, or reading a book about the topic and how other people related to it.
I'd like to offer you different psychotheoretical viewpoints of your feelings. I can't testify which one apply here the most, but maybe it can help you to understand a bit better what the source of your struggle is.
A cognitive therapist would tell you that your feeling is, as most of the other commenters wrote, a result of your learning. Aka, you learned that during college people need to have sex, and you didn't - so you feel that you failed because your learning says so. Thus, the best procedure would be for you to recognize that you don't NEED to have it, e.g. by talking to people who also stayed virgins, and "reconditioning" yourself.
A rational emotive therapist would expand upon the thought of the cognitive therapist by adding that you feel the NEED to conform. Aka, you have the thought in your head that you MUST be perfect and you MUST perform and you MUST excel, or else you're a worthless pile of trash. Thus, an REBT therapist would advise you to work on your deep-seeted belief that you MUST be perfect, and instead accept your imperfection - in this case, accept that even though you're a virgin, you're still a worthy human being, worthy of love and self-worth. This you can achieve by self-disputing, imaging how it would be to be a non-virgin, etc.
A psychoanalyst would tell you that your struggle is a result of early childhood experiences. For example, early on you maybe felt self-concious about your body, or you didn't really belong to a group. Orthodox psychoanalysts would in fact say that this is directly connected to your parents, and that a trauma before the age of ~6 is the reason you feel so bad now.. And this early trauma now gets reactivated, simply I a different context. The key to healing would thus be to work through your trauma, recognize and accept it, and thus prevent this issue from "popping up again" later in future.
A systemical therapist would tell you that your struggle is a result of your surrounding and your interactions with other people. For example, maybe someone from within your family pressures you into taking up a good-paid, respected job. This pressure interacts with your emotions in such a way that you feel pressure in other parts of your life as well, for example here. Thus, it would be necessary to examine your surroundings and understand what the people want from you, how they see you etc., and then change the system in a way that accommodates you better.
As you see, many different people say lots of different smart stuff about what to do and where this feeling comes from. I personally can only tell you that I really emphasize with your struggle. I felt very similar, and it just really really sucks. If you see all the other people around you being able to accomplish something you fight so hard for, and yet it still doesn't work out - that just really, really sucks, especially if there isn't any prospect of change. It is important for me that you know you're not alone with this experience, and that there are others who felt the same. In fact, thank you for sharing this story - it also makes me realize that I'm not alone with my feelings here either.
I wish you the best of strength to deal with your struggles here. If you have any additional questions, feel free to pop by and ask - I always love to talk about psychology :)
Thank you so much for sharing in such detail, you've said things I never thought about. How looking at things from a different physiology perspective might change how I see things.
I do struggle with some of the thoughts you mentioned. I have always felt insecure and the added fact that I'm still a virgin just adds to my insecurities.
My dad has pressured me for things like school education and discipline. But when it came to girls he didnt really do so and he even told me it was better to just focus on my studies. Which I did but its not like I had an alternative ie someone interested enough in me to distract me form my studies.
But yeah my best friend for example has had all these experiences, meeting girls in such random scenarios and getting to have relations. Minewhile I'm still a virgin. All be it, all except for one of the girls I would probably not like to have sex with personally.
And I honestly dont know what to do to change this. All I've been doing is just trying to better my self. Learned to play the guitar. Almost graduated. Already have a job. Going to the gym/volleyball. I tried to dress better/fancier. All of these things and I still have no one.
Bro straight up ask your friend to get you laid. Lower your standards and just follow his lead to check that box. Don't over think it - the goal is to get into a 1 on 1 situation after some drinking (not too much) then just go for it. Don't worry about it being embarrassing because your goal is not to see the lerson again, its to fuck. Everything will come much easier after that, trust me.
I cannot emphasize the lowered standards thing enough. The sexual context itself is surprisingly stimulating. Even if it goes terribly it will throw a switch in you which just demystifies the process
Yes, I think I can relate very well. What I try to bring across to people is a model Albert Ellis, the founder of REBT, has proposed for how exactly emotions come to be. Basically, the model has three layers:
A- Activating event (e.g. a friend tells you how amazing it is to have a GF, you lay in bed and think that you're still a virgin) B - Belief (I MUST already have had sex, I MUST be able to relate, I MUST have succeeded here) C - Consequence (you feel shittily, because you couldn't fulfill your beliefs)
The model is also called the ABC model, for short.
The nutshell is that the event in ITSELF (aka that you're a virgin) doesn't make you miserable, but your beliefs and relation towards it. For example, imagine someone who wants to be a monk. They would be happy to still be a virgin, right? Or imagine someone who wants to wait until the right partner comes along. Imagine a devout Christian, who wants to wait until marriage, or an asexual person.
In short, many people would perceive being a virgin as GOOD, as something very nice and positive. That does not mean that you have to feel the same way, by all means - but it means that your personal beliefs, convictions and motivations heavily shape your perception.
Or, to put it differently - you really seem to have put a lot of effort into improving yourself and working out, right? You did everything one reasonably might suggest to do. So perhaps it is a good thing to take a step back and remind yourself that the reason you feel so bad about it is partially connected to your personal beliefs about what you should do and how to be. You don't feel terribly because you're a virgin, you feel terribly because you think you MUST NOT be a virgin.
By no means do I want to tell you that it is wrong - I personally definitely struggle with this concept. However I think it is good to simply keep this in mind to be able to exercise a bit of self-compassion, that the reason you feel bad is because your beliefs bash down on you and tell you "you're a worthless piece of shit because you didn't fulfill xyz" You are not a bad or worthless person by not being a virgin, I honestly believe it.
And besides - my personal story is, I am very very happy to have waited for my first kiss until my current partner. I have felt terribly that all the other people around me already had relationships, and I didn't. Nowadays I am very happy to have waited, because it makes my physical relationship with her very very special. She is the first person I shared myself on a physical level with, and I wouldn't trade all the nice girls in high school for this bond we share now. Perhaps that's something you can also reframe for yourself: assuming you will find a partner one day (which I presume you'll be able to do), the fact that you'll be able to know she's your first sexual contact will be very special - for you just as much as for her.
I hope this makes sense or may be helpful. If you have any additional thoughts or questions, don't hesitate to reply :)
This is very helpful. Honestly from all the comments here, yours have been the most insightful and helpful (not to say the others didnt help).
Funny enough I did hear about the ABC stuff when I tried therapy (I only had like 3 sessions and didn't like my therapist) but I never thought to apply the ABC to this situation. Thank you for that realisation, for sharing your expenice and for being so open to talking. And I am happy to hear about your current relationship going so well.
I'm very glad it was helpful! I study psychology, so always happy to be able to share a bit of knowledge :) Best of luck to you!