RPGMemes

• "if I die, I die holding vampire smut"

• "I guess he's going to fist fight the helicopter"

"But I don't have a cloaca."

Context, if you want it:

From Shadowrun but still...

"Its not terrorism, its a distract spell thats materials involve C4 and a bridge"

I guess this isn't NO context but:

Innkeeper married to a nixie: “The Fey never do anything without a price...”

“... How much did you pay for your wife?”

"How is this bow cursed? We built it ourselves... with sinew from a drow... that we tortured to death. Yeah, okay. It's cursed."

From Divinity Original Sin 2 co-op. Not my campaign, but I was wheezing for five minutes from this:

"So are we the bad guys?"
"I don't know, but I'm about to kill her with her own dad."

• "I think that Ashenthroat guy might be a Dragon in disguise"
• "Kill it!!! But don't hurt it, awwww."
• "Don't worry GM, I wont make you improvise info on every single soldier NPC. - Ok, so you there, what's your name and why are you here?"
• "If we take every hostile NPC we come across prisoner to await a 100% death-sentence, instead of killing them here and now, we'll have to start building concentration camps soon and I don't know if that's actually better or worse."
• "Maybe don't kill the beast?" - "Too late, running now!"
• "Gentlemen, can't we solve this peacefully?" - "Yes, of course, we're always ready to talk. But only if it ends with you dead." - "You seemed to have missed the point there."

"Is this because we didn't have sex yet?"

"I cast longsword!"

"Does the paladin's piss count as holy water?"

"You described the mech as being similar to a Gundam. So it's a mobile suit? Does that mean I'm technically wearing it on my person?"

"Watch out for the ass-grabbing ghosts!"

"I struggle like a dog being given a pill."

"No, don't activate your telepathy! I don't want your mind-herpes!"

"Wait, why is a duck that lays eggs named Mr. Quackers?" "Mr. Quackers can be whatever he wants!"

"I cast Prestidigitation and pee his pants."

"Hey Nyarlathotep, wanna see something funny?"

"If he seduces something from the mineral kingdom now, he's collected the whole set."

• "Does my gaydar tell me anything about how to get back to civilisation?"
• "Listen up, Poundland-Sundowner"
• "So wait, I blew up the mayor's house and my punishment is I'm made into a college professor?"
• "Now back to mare's milk"

"Is it okay if I have an anger problem?"

"I shout at the door."

"I lift the spyglass so my rat can see."

"Does the rat look through the spyglass?"

"It's hard to tell."

"I aim the paper airplane at the crowd."

"IS CHILD ABUSE WRONG? LIKE ME CHECK MY CHAIM.

...

NO."

"Is there a cat nearby?"

"Like, a normal cat?"

"Yeah."

"It's a mansion, I don't see why not. Yeah, let's say there's a cat."

"Is anyone looking?"

[DM, suddenly filled with concern] "... no...?"

"I will teach these halfling savages the meaning of private property!"

"I could feed him my candy cane to revive him"

“Shut the door, things are gonna get weird”

• Can the bread make a will save?

• No, you're still prone. You used Dimension Slide, not Dimension Rotate.

• Will a Limited Wish spell prevent you from being brain damaged?

My character hasn't noticed the living bushes and decides to take his morning shit behind them

DM: not sure if I should count this as an attack

I’m a mod over at [email protected] and would love to see some activity! I started it to keep track of some of my own group’s quotes, but the group has been on a two week break for the past four or five months now.

What kind of man buys another man juice?!

"Come on, I know you have a soul for some fucking reason! Fess up! Who's your daddy?"

"In my experience, magic doesn't like metal. It needs to be flesh."

• "there are no werewolves in the god damn park"
• "Fuck you I'm going to the Prince for this"..."ow hey why are you hitting me!?"
• "This has been a weirdly sexual night"
• "The sword of Cain has fallen and it fell where it pleased!"
• "If you do that you're gonna have to drop your alignment to chaotic evil"
• "Turns out i can afford a rocket launcher"

"Well, you see, the dragon killed thousands, indirectly through their cold buns"

I'm sorry you were born pretty!

Me: So my hands are bound?

DM: Yes.

Me: And I'm under the influence of a "Command"-like spell?

DM: Yes.

Me: And the command is to follow them to the prison?

DM: Yes.

Me: I'd like to try and fall on my face, beard first.

This isn't strictly no context, but it blew me away and I wanted to share it anyway.

I started D&D with the family over quarantine. They had a quest to clear the goblins out of a mine. They got inside and dealt with most of them. They over powered three of them and tied them up, so that they could be interrogated.

My 9 year old then decides he wants to murder them.

Our faces when we realised our child was a murderhobo.

"The troll bouncer is gay. Your attempt to seduce him fails and he puts you in a headlock."

"why are you so blessedly free of snot?"

We used to keep a quote book of these random acts of hilarity... Good times.

"It's just a rocket launcher inside a small room. How bad can the results be?"

"You are now using a piece of shit like a bar of soap while humming a tune." "Dave swings his hammer at you, misses, and hits himself in the face, dying instantly."

In a oneshot of Monster Of The Week:

"Did The Organisation^TM^ supply us with a flamethrower?"

"it's not a nuke, is just a AOE building remover"

"we need a bigger nuke"

Roll 9

DM: Ok you have a 9", ribbed pink Zeltronian cock

If all four of us work together we could drag the door.

“Yes, I know the door is locked. I open it anyway.”

I have several, but my favorite is probably "I am this group's current resident expert on whatever the hell that thing is!"

"I'm going to walk back to the lake to have an existential crisis. Oh and on the way I cast Polymorph and turn our Ranger into a spider."

Man, we ended up setting up a wiki for all the ones from my last campaign... it's down at the moment, but here are a few I have saved on my phone:

"My companions and I are professional adventurers"

"Some of us more professional than others..."

"For no sexy reason, what does the pope look like?"

"Also, I'm not doing terrible! But I definitely just got stabbed."

Bard: "No, this is wholesome [Bard] moment! Anyway, how much money do you have?"

Sorcerer: "[Ranger], we are about to do some wacky-ass magic"

Ranger: "In that case, I would like to watch it from over there."

Sorcerer: "I will not be doing it. I will be joining you."

GM: "Divine and wild magic start pouring into and it's like... Have you ever licked a battery?"

GM: "Divine, chaos, and dragon magic flows through you—"

Bard: "And bardic from the inspiration!"

Ranger: "Oh I can add some ranger nature!"

Sorcerer: "And I have one that can help! I cast minor illusion to make a "do not disturb" sign."

"If I take one more step, it'll be the furthest I've ever been from home..."

"You didn't even have to step."

"If I take one more interdimensional vortex..."

"Your left or my left? You're an orb."

"I am."

"Float like a flowerpot, sting like a school bus."

His hammer, not more than one standard deviation from average...

"No, I'm annoyed. But the guy eating my arm? He's pissed. Meet the Flaming Asshole of Azzazoth."

In a Palpatine voice: "Spicy beef"
"Have you ever thought 'I'm kinda hungry, but not hungry enough to eat a whole potato'?"
"I don't like the wanking corner"

"i thought this plan was foolproof, but i genuinely forgot about doors"