Asklemmy

I think I'm on my way to happiness.

I finally left my abusive wife this week. It was really scary, and she keeps sending me threats (to take me for child support and ruin my life) but I was able to get ahold if a crisis center for abused people, thankfully they have support for men. The crisis center is going to help me tackle all the debt she's put me in and get me into an apartment that will have room for me and my kids!

Yesterday for the first time in 14 years, I was completely free. I just drove around town. I went and got an ice cream cone, and I got a Mexican Pizza from taco bell, and nobody insulted me, put me down, or made me feel worthless. I got a glimpse of me and I really miss that guy. I used to have the nick name smiley because I always walked around with a shit eating grin on my face because I love life and I love my job, but she's worn away at me lately.

I might be homeless technically, but I have a safe space until I can get on my feet. I get my kids tonight, we're going to have a pizza party and play Mario Kart together. I think everything is going to be fine soon...

Yeah, for the most part. I'm working towards my dreams and they feel within reach even though I know the path there is both long and arduous. It will require a lot of me, but that is more due to what my dreams are than any circumstances around me.

How it happened is of course a hard question to answer. In some ways, perhaps many ways, dumb luck, I met my wife in an unlikely place and she has built me up brick by brick over many years by now. Without her it's hard to imagine I'd, we'd, be in such a good place all around.

But that isn't really helpful, focusing on the parts I had no and have no control over. If we instead look only on my actions I think there are a few but more importantly a few key insights that helped me:

Actions:

• Fake it till you make it. Confidence is all important in our society, if you don't have it naturally then you need to fake it. Over time it becomes second nature.

• Take care of yourself, first. Like they say in the preflight security rundown, put on your own mask first before you attempt to help others.

• Take responsibility for your own well being. Related to the one above but this is more on the emotional level, while external factors will of course impact your well being you don't have direct control over them. You can't expect anyone else you make you feel good/well so you need to shoulder that burden.

Insights:

• You rely on society and it relies on you: while work sucks and is often times completely meaningless and seemingly detrimental to the world from a long term macro perspective it's still the case that your dream life involves amenities and comforts that require people to work. And you can't expect that of others unless you yourself put in the same effort.

• You aren't in control and you never truly will be: while this might be a hard pill to swallow you need to make peace with the fact that you could get cancer the day you reach your ultimate goal and that's just part of this reality. You can only impact your actions and improve your chances, you can't guarantee shit. Celebrate your victories no matter the source of them and learn from your own mistakes but don't let external circumstances crush you.

• Life just isn't far: relates to the above. Some people smoke and drink and do copious amounts of drugs are still wildly successful and rich and live to 100. Some work their asses off, are the nicest people ever, live clean and healthy and then die in cancer in their 30s with two young children left behind. Dwelling on this solves nothing. It's just a part of our reality and isn't really meaningfully changed or impacted by politics.

Those are my two cents

EDIT:

Hmm, I skipped something that might be super obvious but I shouldn't assume:

Action:

• Smile and the world smiles at you: not in the sense that you're guaranteed or owed a smile but rather that being kind and putting out good vibes makes life smoother and happier for us all. This is not to say that we should accept bad things of course, but make sure to reduce the collateral damage of your negative emotions and feelings, think surgical strike on a specific, deserving, target and not carpet bombing everything and everyone.

• You need friends, or at the very least someone to talk to: Ties in to the above in that if you don't dump your negative emotions on the world then we're do you dump it? Because carrying that shit around or just eating the bad emotions yourself is not a viable approach. No, you need to have people to vent to/with. Be that your partner, friends, family or a professional. This goes for all bullshit like getting sick and missing an event you've looked forward to and had tickets to for months. Or being passed up for a promotion in favor of Kenny who by all metrics does a worse job than you. You need to vent that shit out because being in a shitty mood and making everyone else uncomfortable is not going to make your life any better or happier.

No. I would be happy and awesome at doing pretty much any ground level technical work but thanks to corporate greed and inflation I can't afford to live on what I'd make doing any of those. So I had to take promotions to roles that are more about communicating with a bunch of different people to have them do stuff while fielding questions from leadership about why shit wasn't done on time. This stresses me the fuck out and leaves me too mentally drained at the end of the day to do any personal projects and I'm still can't even afford to actually own a home.

No. Money is why, and a work situation. Also never ever get married if you have even the slightest red flag about them. It's not worth it.

I know I'm a generous person at heart but I get so few opportunities to show it because of money. It's infuriating.

Im pretty happy but due to ADHD im never really satisfied with what i have currently in a sense.

I'm very grateful for my job, my current living situation and my partner but im always looking forward to new projects and stuff that i wanna do. I finish one thing and i really like that and then i move onto the next thing cause i feel like i have to. Just cant sit still for too long.

How it happened is i just got lucky. I got a good family that helped me with a place to live, my buddy helped me get my current job in an IT adjacent position, and i met my gf on tinder when she was just about to leave the app for good.

So yea, just kinda got lucky. I do work hard too and struggled alot with ADHD and other mental health issues before getting diagnosed so im glad things worked out eventually.

By most people's standards I'm not living well since I'm a little poor / frugal, but I'm happy. My dream as a teenager was to move to the west coast and start a new life. Well, just after I finished high school my dad kicked me out to use my room to start a new business or something and since I was already homeless, I headed out west. That was years ago and I'm now still living here in California with an apartment I love and a job I don't hate. Not the wealthiest but beats those 3 months I was homeless and living in scraps. I also no longer have the friends I wanted to move here to live with because they ended up being pieces of shit, but I like my roommates and still have internet friends so I'm happy with life.

Depends. I'm homebound due to an accident and illness several years ago and can't take part in activities or have a social life like I used to while I feel like I'm getting older and missing out on so much.

But then again I'm very fortunate that I have insurance so that I don't have to worry about economy and I'm pretty good at making the best of my situation and have projects going so I feel I'm moving forward even though in other directions than before and at a highly reduced pace.

So... It could be better. But it could be so much worse. To be honest, I feel way more thankful for what I've got than sadness of what I have not.

Biggest thing I did to go from feeling like shit to actually feeling engaged was getting involved with my union. Life is so much more satisfying when you do something that matters, and when the existing union leadership who have been largely useless described me as "trouble" I felt validated lol.

Even if your union is running well they pretty much can always use an extra set of hands, so step up!

Living Well, happily and embodying my values and dreams. Thats quite a lot of things at the same time.

I struggle to define living well. I‘m well off compared to less privileged people and the opposite for more privileged people. I‘d say I‘m doing well considering the cards I was given in life.

I‘d say I‘m reasonably happy for the situation I find myself in. I would like to be happier but I allow myself to be unhappy about things that re not okay with my surroundings and the world.

Embodying my values couldn’t be more true. I basically live and die for my values. I help other people, fight for them if need be, I educate folks, actively make the world a better place. I‘m honest where it does good.

My dreams have changed a lot from when I was younger. I used to think I need to be rich and famous because the TV said I must. I became reasonably wealthy and somewhat powerful. Then I found out that it doesnt do you any good. So I pursued love instead. Now I‘m not as wealthy and not as powerful but I am a lot happier and influence more people to be happier and healthier themselves.

Thanks for reading, have a good one.

Yep. I didn't feel this way for a long time, then realised it was because I was married to the wrong woman. She was heavily influencing the sort of man I was outwardly portraying, and it always felt like I was wearing a badly-made suit.

After the end of that marriage, I met my soul mate, and now have two wonderful stepkids and an incredible daughter. We've now been together for a little over 11 years, and I'm still amazed at how lucky I am. My family gives me purpose and meaning, every day.

After that, nothing else matters.

1. Well - yes
2. Happily - mostly
3. Embodying my values and dreams - mostly

How it happened? Mostly by chance. I'm good at what I do and work in the medical industry for a small company that actually strives to help people rather than maximize revenue, and compensates employees very fairly, allowing me to live well and in accordance with my personal values. Nothing is ever 100%, but I'm mostly satisfied really. Of course there are some days where I dream of running a coffee shop in Bali, but that's just one of those days.

As for the second part, I've got a great partner, great friends, and sufficient free time to do what I enjoy. I'm just living in a city I'm not particularly fond of, so that leaves room for improvement.

No no no

My values and dreams have changed a lot since I was a kid. I like the ones I have now, they're more humane and compassionate.
I think I have an ok life, nothing amazing but I have a stable job, good marketable skills, a loving girlfriend and two cats. I'm not exactly where I want to be but I'm still working on it.
I had a lot of self realisations in the past few years and it made me understand who I was and why I am the way I am. So that's also great I think.

Ever since I've accepted that dystopia is already here, and there's nothing to avoid it, but we can do everything in our power to create something better. I'm not as afraid, I'm not feeling as powerless as I used to. I've learned to seek good council, that helps. Got over wanting to feel or appear important and now rather want to do important work.

How? Got divorced from someone who could not handle their anxiety well, also my child grew up to spend more time with their friends, and so all I was used to disappeared. I had time and opportunity (or was forced) to re-evaluate my life choices - because the unhealthy imbalance in my former relationship mirrored the unsettling imbalance of the world in crisis in some eerie way. It was as if I was shown the workings of abuse and then forced to apply my learning onto the world and my position in it. I went through months of doubt and confusion. With support of my wonderful bf who I met on the way I managed to come out a better and more happy person on the other side, it was a very wild ride.

This or similar seems to have happened to a lot of people recently.

Yes, living well. Happy mostly. Embodying values and dreams - as much as possible since some dreams would have needed to be started years ago to be realized - like my vineyard and my orchard. Mostly it was reinventing myself every five or seven years to follow the lucre (in software development world look for the bright and shiny new thing).

I was self employed for most of the time, and I can recommend that for those who have a pretty good work ethic. Having a goal in high school was also a key factor, since it led to a useful degree. I was also doing constant internal evaluation - like the feeling where you're going over your desired job description for a job interview - via a journal or a self help program like "The Red Bucket Strategy". So, in answer to how did this happen question: it was pretty methodical in using the steering gear you have to make course corrections all the time.

Nope. I did what traumas and society wanted me to. I didn't start living intentionally until I was 30. I'm making much better decisions, I think, but I'm following through on my commitments because I want to be a person who follows through. That's even if my prior commitments were made with incomplete information.

A lot, A LOT, of my life decisions were made in fear and anxiety, on incomplete or incorrect information. I know better, now, and am trying to break the cycle for my kids.

I'm very happy and living as well as anyone could hope for.

There was probably a lot of luck involved. Including having a good upbringing, supportive parents, decent education. But I also worked very hard to improve the things in my life I was unhappy with. Then I think the last bit is just gratitude for what I do have. I could spend months focusing on how I don't have a yacht or private jet, or whatever, and be unhappy. But it's so much better to appreciate what you do have. A good partner, a nice home, great food, a healthy body, an inquisitive mind. Access to the internet with all the good it has to offer.

I recommend focusing on and appreciating what you already have.

I am, but not in its entirety. There are still a lot of things I would like to achieve and a couple of other things in my environment that I dislike quite a bit, but overall I feel satisfied with myself and who I am today; something that a few years ago I couldn't claim even if it cost me my life.

I'm doing great! Honestly I've never been happier with the way my life is going and I wouldn't trade that for anything.

Strikes and gutters, ups and downs. This year's been the drizzling shits, and it's tough to keep my chin up but I'm getting by.

Hope you're doing great OP

Yes I am, and I do. Perseverance through strife.

Sort of? I went to school after having my first two kids and have mostly been able to do work I like ok for companies I don't consider evil. So that's been good. Had lots of kids, I enjoyed that overall and they seem to be growing into good adults. Left my ex eventually when he got physically abusive (he was a chill stoner for 15 years who got unemployed then radicalized on the internet). In a good relationship now and we both have good jobs.

Honestly I think luck plays a large part in anybody's results but the things I think helped me were:

Waiting until I was older to finish school so I knew better what I might like as a job.

Having children (obviously this is a YMMV thing but for me it's been way more good than bad).

Trying not to overwork, but work at a sustainable pace that doesn't burn me out. Keeping boundaries, taking PTO, not worrying about moving up some ladder, want good work and good pay and that's all.

No.

Absolutely to everything.

It happened because I kept re-evaluating all of my beliefs, changing my mind all the time to include values, principles and beliefs that are conducive to answering yes to these questions.

Also, learning more about the world, especially human behavior and the human psyche.

I have absolutely no attachment to any of my beliefs, any kind of new information gets incorporated into my belief set and changes how I think about things. Depending how impactful and credible the information is, the change is bigger or smaller.

One big belief is that it's not necessary to have any dreams or goals at all. Or, if I do have one, that it's completely irrelevant if I reach or don't reach it. Most people can't comprehend living like this, it requires a "support cast" of various other beliefs that makes this one possible.

But yeah, to answer "how'd this happen" correctly, I'd have to tell you my whole life story, which I can't even remember fully, lol

Absolutely not, no. How should this be possible with all the external responsibilities that need to be fulfilled in order to survive in a modern-day society?

I'm working on it, which I think is the real "point" of life.

That being said I'm poor as fuck and need to find a way to go back and finish my degree. I'm very close, but as is I can only afford some medical care, so trying to come up with a couple thousand for classes will be interesting.