My wife has horrible taste in men. We made it work.
this post was submitted on 24 Feb 2024
17 points (62.7% liked)
Ask Lemmy
26864 readers
1870 users here now
A Fediverse community for open-ended, thought provoking questions
Please don't post about US Politics. If you need to do this, try [email protected]
Rules: (interactive)
1) Be nice and; have fun
Doxxing, trolling, sealioning, racism, and toxicity are not welcomed in AskLemmy. Remember what your mother said: if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. In addition, the site-wide Lemmy.world terms of service also apply here. Please familiarize yourself with them
2) All posts must end with a '?'
This is sort of like Jeopardy. Please phrase all post titles in the form of a proper question ending with ?
3) No spam
Please do not flood the community with nonsense. Actual suspected spammers will be banned on site. No astroturfing.
4) NSFW is okay, within reason
Just remember to tag posts with either a content warning or a [NSFW] tag. Overtly sexual posts are not allowed, please direct them to either [email protected] or [email protected].
NSFW comments should be restricted to posts tagged [NSFW].
5) This is not a support community.
It is not a place for 'how do I?', type questions.
If you have any questions regarding the site itself or would like to report a community, please direct them to Lemmy.world Support or email [email protected]. For other questions check our partnered communities list, or use the search function.
Reminder: The terms of service apply here too.
Partnered Communities:
Logo design credit goes to: tubbadu
founded 1 year ago
MODERATORS
Real
My wife has gained roughly 60 kg since I meet her many years ago, which some might see as that kind of limitation, but you know, I don't even see that when I look at her. She is smart as fuck, a great engineer, a wonderful mother, and just overall the better half of me. It's just so easy to love her, and I would never even consider leaving her for looks. We all have our imperfections, but that's not to say we're not worthy of love. Oh yeah, I'm a terrible smart ass, overweight, impatient, not a great father, and I don't communicate very well. Beats me what she sees in me.
Her smartphone addiction is probably her worst feature but I'm a little conflicted about that aswell. She's not exactly doing anything wrong. It's me whose getting irritated by it. Who am I to demand her uninterrupted attention?
I consider people that are on their phones to be "unavailable". I often have things to say but I wait for her to put the phone away and usually I just forget what the thing even was. If I'm talking and she takes out the phone I stop talking mid sentence and she often doesn't even notice. We used to often just hang on the evenings, play some music and talk about what ever but I feel like I no longer can connect with her because her attention is on her phone. When one sits with no external stimulus your mind tends to come up with things to talk about to fight the boredom. When one has their phone in their hand this doesn't happen and the person becomes quite passive. It's often just me talking and I feel like she's not even listening.
I tolerated it for a long time as I tend to do. Then I mentioned about it to her several times and we talked about it but nothing really changed. I no longer bring it up. Otherwise our relationship is quite good and we're compatible but I hate this feature about her. In all fairness though it's not just her. My firends are the same, my family is the same. Hell last summer I was on our boat with my dad for a couple days and even he prefers to browse facebook while eating rather than talking with me. That's why I feel like I'm the problem and not them. If I just took out my phone like everyone else there wouldn't be this issue.
Obviously you're -not- the problem, but I understand what you mean and why you would feel that way. I'm also kind of disappointed (but not surprised) at how often people are on their phones instead of being present. It's especially noticeable at restaurants and different social settings. I think it's something we've all gotten desensitized to as the technology has become more ubiquitous. I'm not entirely innocent in this regard either, but I do tend to notice it more than most I'd say. I prefer not to be on my phone when around other people, but if literally everyone else is on their phones then it certainly makes me feel kind of out of place. It's kind of just socially lazy behavior in my mind... Usually I will tolerate it for a few minutes, but as soon as I pull my phone out (pointlessly might I add, there's never anything on my phone. I shouldn't even carry it on me all the time, but that's another conversation I'll have with myself at some point) -then- they want to start talking again. Why is my timing always so off?? I'll never get it.
I was in a long time relationship, and we had our moments. Sometimes we would be fine just chilling by each other, together but not really interacting with each other (being on our phones or whatever). Most times, we tried to make sure to be mindful and present with each other, as this was important for BOTH of us. We had a rule that if we were out eating somewhere or whatever, then we should not really be on our phones. There were exceptions, but the requirement was to make sure that the other person was included. So, if one of us did happen to want/need to use our phone for something during this time, telling/sharing what was going on with the other person was always a requirement. It worked pretty well for us, maybe it could work for others as well. It became a more interactive experience instead of a singular/isolating behavior.
I kind of think it might do you some good to talk to her again, and continue to try to get through about how this is important to you. You care about it enough to make a post lamenting the behavior, it obviously still affects you in a negative way. Other people might not be so important, but the one you care about exhibiting this behavior towards you just makes it 1000 times worse in my mind.
More importantly,
Are any of you single and willing to settle for someone unattractive, not too smart, and otherwise limited?
Asking for a friend.
Ironically those who label themselves stupid or limited are often the most capable.
My friend's not stupid per se... just struggles with things most people find trivial. Like answering the phone or going outside.
I've enjoyed reading many of these comments and I wanted to expand a bit on the reason for the question.
Several friends of mine would camp for several days and do the kind of things guys do. Then we'd realize we're kind of gross, rude, not attractive, have a lot of shortcomings, and generally not full of great qualities. But, we've all been married a long time and will ask ourselves why in the hell did our wives agree to marry ugly, gross fools like us? We know why we married them; they're far better people than we are! My wife is obviously smarter than me and it isn't even a fair comparison.
In the end, I guess we make them laugh and are extremely wealthy.
I lied about the extremely wealthy part. I meant borderline poor.
I think this is a great question, could all the downvoters say why they are downvoting it?
I stay with my wife because she's a great person, she's not ugly but she's not beautiful and top ten either. She never wears makeup or dresses up unless its special occasions.
Looks fade personalty is forever
(M.C. Ren: but what if she's ugly)
Eazy come Eazy go
-Eazy-E
Honestly though, in almost any person you can find beauty. Also in any person you can find ugliness. If you, consciously, focus on the beauty, that's what will fill your heart. If you let a bad mood, or self-sabotage, focus on ugliness, well, you'll see ugliness. If you are looking for a limitation, you'll find it.
Every person has good and bad qualities. Things like attractiveness tend to be the first one that people look at, but there are so many more that matter. It all comes down to what matters to you.
For example, someone could be smart and intelligent, but have no interest in the types of things you are interested in. They could have different beliefs about politics and religion. They could have a totally different diet, making it difficult for you to cook one meal to share. They could just be awful with money, or their family might be too intrusive into your life. There are a ton of different things to consider in a relationship beyond the surface qualities of a person
My SO was traumatized by her religious upbringing. The effects of purity culture have left significant scars that make it practically impossible to be physically intimate. Short kisses, holding hands, and hugging are okay but any amount of nudity is over the line. She wants to be intimate and has been working with a therapist to get there but obvious markers of success aren't there yet. I knew all of this going in to our relationship or learned them pretty early.
Intentionally helping someone to heal from trauma in a relationship is an appealing concept to me. Being in a romantic relationship with someone I can't be physically intimate with has some unique problems beyond the problems I had as a single person but on balance out relationship is really good. We're forced to have really good communication fundamentals so we don't hurt each other with our conflicting needs. That helps us with tons of aspects of our relationship.
By far this is the most comfortable, enriching, and benefitial romantic relationships I've been in.
I think it would be uncanny if a partner didn't grow, age, and evolve with you and the world around you. Nothing seems to stay the same. While one dimension may fade away, others emerge. If you are lucky, you get to grow old. Daydreaming about starting over, trying something new, and feeling young again is natural. At least with current technology, it is mostly just daydreams.
My significant other has quite significant limitations; she's limited to my fantasy world.