Relationship Advice

I didn't even realize this was a thing. We can't be friends with older people now?

I mean if it's not sexual and you're just buddies I'm not where the problem is.

you've been reverse catfished by busty petite asian girl 2 years younger than you.

Why wouldn't this be fine? You met at 23. It's not like you were groomed from childhood. Strangers on the Internet cannot validate your relationship with this man. Only you know the details that can inform the decision you have made to befriend him.

Please consider how much credence you give to the opinions of others, especially considering that you feel as though your friendship shouldn't exist at times for absolute nonsense reasons.

Wait a minute. Did I just convince you it's all fine? Don't listen to me. I know nothing. Stop listening to strangers about things they don't understand and think for yourself. You got this.

I think that having friends of different ages can actually be quite healthy. Diversity can be good. Broadens your horizons.

Age is simply a number as you grow older. Friends can be much older or younger than you.

I'm a guy. Over the past couple years I've become quite close with two women online who are both younger than me. One is 15 years younger than me while the other is 6 years younger.

I actually met the younger one through a former male work friend who met her first through a Minecraft server he used to host. He bought her a game that was on sale and the 3 of us played together. After my work friend went to bed, she and I talked a bit afterwords.

It was quite clear to me that she liked getting to know people and I entertained her conversation. At some point in the conversation, she casually brought up her current mental health state and it was at that point I knew she was someone I wanted to continue talking with.

At that time, I was struggling hard with my own mental health and my attempts at finding a support group that suited me wasn't working. In that short time, she proved to be brutally self aware, honest and empathetic. She treated me as a person and allowed me to express myself honestly without judgement. At the time, I was working in the trades surrounded by men and I was only treated with judgement as a failure as a man. Even my close relationships with other women at the time was the same, I was a failure of a man.

Having this one person in the world treat me like a person meant so much to me. She allowed me to talk without judgement, allowed me to approach my problems my own way without judgement or unsolicited advice, and allowed me to be me without criticism or judgement. These are all things I craved at the time so returned all these actions to her as well. I learned a lot about mental health through her and and how she spoke of her friends.

Over the next year, we sort of became our own mental health support group and made ourselves available to each other because we wanted to and as a result became close friends.

A year later she approached me with a situation that made me incredibly angry and upset me for a couple weeks. She revealed to me that my work friend had been trying to sext with her and was making her feel uncomfortable. A man who was 15 years older than her, who met her when she was approximately 13 years old when she joined that minecraft server who she used to think of him as a mentor. A man who is married and has two adorable little girls himself in an amazing house with a huge chunk of property. I confronted him and then stopped talking to him. He sickens me. While she may have been of legal age at the time he tried to sext with her, he absolutely destroyed any trust she had in him. I have good reason to believe he's made attempts with other women behind his amazing wife's back and I can no longer stand to look or talk to him.

Even with all that her and I had been through, it still felt super strange to me being close friends with someone 15 years younger than me. But she provided me with fresh takes on mental health and I was able to provide a perspective based on experience that can only be understood through that additional 15 years of being alive.

I did go and meet her in her home country. As a thank you to her, I bought us matching tattoos. We were able to talk face to face and it was a very comfortable and easy going experience. By the end of my trip, I told her that she is my new sister (my actual sister barely remembers I exist) and she was quite happy with that.

The feeling of strangeness from this particular relationship has faded significantly now but still sort of lingers in the back of my mind. I think that's more of result of the north American mindset. There is a lack of intergenerational community in modern north American life that negatively affects how people treat and view relationships with older/younger people. Learning goes both ways and I absolutely value the perspectives and views coming from younger people.

In a more just world, intergenerational relationships would be normal and boring. In it's current form (from a north American perspective) it's open to abuse through a power imbalance and that seems to inadvertently bring up feelings of guilt or shame in those who stumble across such relations.

For me, letting time pass and allowing those feelings of guilt and shame to dissipate leaving a normal, boring and safe friendship with someone who is younger than me.

Unfortunately, I'm still cautious talking about her to other people who I feel are judgemental. Especially men. The overwhelming majority of men in my life would assume our relationship is sexual. It's easier to simply not talk about her so I can avoid fending off those gross accusations. Fortunately, my other friend who is 6 years younger is super understanding and awesome. I can talk about my younger friend with her and not feel uncomfortable about it. In that sense, I feel quite lucky to know both these people.

The only weird thing about it is:

I feel like this friendship shouldn't exist because people may find it strange that I am friends with someone 14 years older than me

Are you really considering a friendship based on what others think? Not only that. I'd understand, if others said it was a bad influence. But you're concerned other may find it strange??

Sounds like you have a good friend. Keep it that way no matter that others say. Seriously. The biggest mistake you can make, is trying to be normal. You will always fail

I'm in my 50s and I have friends in their 20s. We're not besties but we go out for drinks together and show up to each others parties. I play squash with people in their 30s, again drinks and light socializing. I have friends in their 70s and 80s too. Welcome to adulthood. What's the problem?

Even if you fuck the guy; no.

Completely OK. I'm an old guy and friend with several people ten or 20 years younger.

Why would it be weird to be friends with anyone?

Seriously, it isn't something that an age gap matters at all. If anything, having friends of all ages is a good thing. Yeah, you'll usually have the most in common with people closest to your age, but that's not the only thing friendship is built on.

You can have pretty much nothing in common as long as a few core things are. Mutual respect is mandatory. The ability to accept differences and communicate about them is mandatory. Past that, friendship is about shared experience, not necessarily having had the same life. The things you do and talk about as friends is what really matters.

Now, you do run into things where most people just aren't able to communicate with someone that's diametrically opposed in some way, but all that means is that one of the people involved in unable/unwilling to accept and communicate about something. It isn't inherently impossible to overcome major differences just because they exist.

Hell, the only reason it's weird to be friends with anyone is when there's a question of propriety. In those cases, you'd have to navigate things very carefully, but it still isn't an automatic barrier to friendship, it just makes it harder to navigate. Like when there's a power imbalance and one of the two might feel pressured to give way to the other or suffer some consequences; like a boss and employee, or a student and teacher. That's hard to navigate, and it may mean that a decision has to be made about delaying the friendship.

That's the same with adults and minors. You can be friends with people that are pretty damn young, but it is a very tricky thing to manage. Often not worth the hassles for the older person, but it isn't inherently bad or weird solely because of the ages; it's the issue of propriety and power imbalance. It's damn near impossible to not influence someone that's younger, so making sure you do things right is complicated and requires enough energy that being friends instead of just a mentor and mentee is unlikely.

But online? That really reduces a lot of difficulty to begin with. You aren't having to deal with some of the little things that are barriers. It's just two people communicating, you don't have to worry about the things that are sometimes a difficulty in person

I think people have forgotten that generation gap friendships are good thing. They're never common, because overcoming that initial span where you need to have some reason to get together and become acquaintances first is a doozie. That's why friends from school (including college) are often very deep. You have enforced togetherness lol. You have a structure where you don't have to manufacture a reason to know each other and get together. By the time you're out of school, those formative bonds are in place to build on as you age together.

But it's a good thing when it happens. Diversity of friends in any way is a good thing. If we're only friends with people exactly like us, are we actually good friends at all? When our friends are different from us in some way or many ways, we can enrich each other all the more.

So, nah, y'all are both grown-ass men. Nothing weird at all.

I play games with a dude that's 11 years younger than me. He's 22 and I'm 33. Why would it be weird to have older friends?

This is a human man and not a Macaw or Elephant, right? Yes of course it is normal, or at least I hope it is normal. He's not some big eyed alien with four heads. Older people are nearer to you that you may like. My own age is basically in the middle of you two and I would like to think who I am as a person would be similar in 5 years time. I have had relationships with people older and younger than me. I cannot say I am peers with those people, but I can say we had a positive relationship. Your direct peer group is not equal to your only possible friend group. There will always be some strange disconnects with intergenerational relationships, but that is also an opportunity to learn.

You are both normal human people.

Friendships come in all sorts of combinations. It's totally fine.

I'm 38m and I'm friends with 2 women that are about 20 or 21 so I don't see the problem.

My best friend is 15 years older than me, and I married them. Age really doesn't matter if everyone is an adult about it.

Why would it be strange? After like 25 age doesnt matter at all.

Different cultures have widely different attitudes toward ages. Personally, as an American, I wouldn't even raise an eyebrow. This seems perfectly normal to me.

IMHO, once you reach drinking age, it just doesn't matter very much.

Heck, you're even within the half-plus-seven rule for relationships!

I'm 40. I spent my younger years on the internet a lot. I listen to early 00s indie. My friends are closer to 30 and I get along with them much better than I do most people my own age. There's just a huge cultural difference here.

Online nobody knows your really a dog.

I think it's great to have a friend a generation older and also a friend a generation younger. It makes you understand people of other ages more. I become friends with people of any age.

Roughly the same age as you with a pal round that age as well. I wouldn't worry about, i certainly don't, you're both adults.

I've had plenty of friends like that at work, no worries.

I don't know if I'm wrong, but maybe there is something else who is scaring you ?
Maybe you feel its not just a friendship if you are asking questions about it ?

Anyway, there is nothing wrong here !

Absolutely not.

This isn’t weird at all.

I’m an M41 and I would hope I could be friends with ab M27

Perfectly alright.