this post was submitted on 17 Feb 2025
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Dud. After years of having to remind, plan and remind the other half again and again, I gave up and said nothing last year. Nothing happened. Nothing happened again this year. Next up - Mother's Day, which I expect to be equally nothing, just like last year.
I can't wait for the complaints that I planned nothing for birthdays or Father's Day.
Never take advice from internet strangers. But it nonetheless will be given, so here goes.
Tell your partner your relationship will not last without change, and that you want to have small, short conversations with takeaway actions more regularly. My guess is that's the truth, and communication, even a little, can help tremendously when both parties engage.
Saying your relationship will fail and end bluntly will make them scared of that actually happening, because they most likely currently feel secure enough in the relationship to ignore your needs. This is common unfortunately, often born of time and repetitiveness.
Make sure they ubderstand that conversation doesn't have to he daunting (that will scare then), but simple and easy single topics at a time. The first few may be longer, but they will get shorter, and tell them that you are open to talking to someone together if they feel it is warranted or have trouble having those conversations on their own (that alone may spur them to engage).
Peppering in positive commentary or actions, like what you enjoy from them (especially what they do for you) and positive actions (like planning a weekend away or a night out) can also help take the strain out of the conversations, too.
Sorry you are going through this, mental and/or emotional dissatisfaction in a relationship is rough, but assuming you really want to work through it, it is possible to get brick walls to move.
No. I am in a relationship now and we both didn't really care that it was valentines. We played boardgames I think, I am not sure which day it was. Don't get idiotic over presents or which number in the roman calendar represents the current tilt of the planet. Live life instead.
If it sucks to be with someone, it's because you don't fit. Don't blame. Don't try to change them. Don't sink into anger. Then you're the asshole. Leave. It should be fun and feel nice to live with someone. Don't let the assholes win.
What? No to communication? Yes to just bail? Thanks for bringing the Reddit vibe.
Your situation sounds great, it is in fact similar to mine. But guess what, it's not unique, and your relationship is not better than comment OPs because you and your partner are on the same page on holidays and presents. No one is talking about changing a person, we talk about changing behavior.
They could be compatible in a thousand different ways except this one, you have no idea. And if you think your relationship is perfect without communication around the things that aren't, then either that relationship is new, or your partner isn't being honest with you.
Yes to communication, no to whatever is going on with saying they need presents on valentines. It's not my type and I have seen enough people trying to mold their partners. My alarm bells go off when you say change behavior to someone that will then be forced to give presents. Do you think they will be happy with the presents? It's so likely that it becomes childish when you know that they are guaranteed to find a new thing that irks them. When you age you will learn this.
Stop wasting your life on people that don't like you. And stop clinging to someone as if nobody else can love you. When you don't act like yourself it is impossible to see and love you for who you are. That simple.
Read the comment again. No one is talking about presents but you.
Don't change the topic, it's a very childish way to reject an argument you can't argue with because you realise you are wrong
Have you talked to your SO about how that makes you feel?
Wow I am open jaw surprised this top comment wasn't a "get divorced" comment and instead was actively constructive and empathetic.
I agree that there could be something else going on. Especially the way OP is phrasing things. Could be ADD or other issues that make these days not priority even if they do love OP. could also be that OP is feeling some sort of way and their actions make the partner not feel confident enough to do things for them like it'll be a waste. Hopefully they can find the root cause. Maybe needs a shared calendar to help remind.
I have, many times, and nothing changes, always an excuse, they forgot or were distracted by something more important. Hence why I have completely given up trying to plan anything. Like talking to a brick wall. Things only happen when I take the initiative. Special days, house repairs, appointments...
My dear I hope you can take a moment to reflect on how you ended up with this person and if it was for good reasons you remember that and work your way back there instead of giving up and just complaining into the void.
Resentment is a killer.
... Are you happy at least?...
Clearly not. lol
Sounds like depression. The lack of initiation, I mean
Likely either a contributing factor or a symptom.
Either way, emotional abandonment is a fix-it or GTFO thing eventually.
I'm sorry you're going through that. I'm currently reforming myself of those same tendencies.
My excuse was and is money but, it's only that, an excuse. So I started making construction paper cards and origami flowers. It's not the flowers and restaurants they used to be but, she seems to appreciate it.
P.s. the origami lily folds refuse to sink into my smooth brain. I gotta watch the same YT vid Everytime 😞
I'm glad I'm not the only one. I would think it would stick eventually, but not so far.
Origami and handmade cards are very thoughtful. :)
Keep trying with the folds, one day you'll forget to check the videoguide!
Oof, I fear I become like your SO
Maybe recognize that your partner doesn't ascribe as much meaning to arbitrary dates and that silently expecting them to do something is a toxic mentality. I hope you realize you're not teaching them any sort of lesson, you are intentionally setting yourself up to be disappointed/upset at your partner for not following the rules of a game they didn't know you were playing.
Especially these days. Don't you think it's possible they have other things on their mind? I know I do. Between trying to figure out how to pay bills, figuring out how to save a little so we can retire some day, thinking about how stressful my job is, thinking about all the chores that need to be done, worrying about the health of myself and my family, worrying about car/home repairs, keeping insurance/registrations/enrollments/appointments/documents all up to date, and the endless struggle of what we're having for dinner tonight; there's just not a whole lot of mental space left for reading my partner's mind and fulfilling their unspoken expectations.
You say this has been happening for years. Ever think that it's just not something that's going to change? That you're expecting a fish to climb a tree unprompted and then getting upset with the fish when it doesn't?
Grow the fuck up. Be a partner to your partner. How hard is it to say "Hey, I'd like to feel special on Valentine's Day. It's important to me."?