Not The Onion

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Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Comments must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

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submitted 9 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) by kescusay to c/nottheonion
 
 

We've been getting some weird posts lately that... Well, they're not making me think it's gotta be an Onion headline, that's for sure.

So just a little refresher. Posts should be:

  1. Links to news stories from…
  2. …credible sources, with…
  3. …their original headlines, that…
  4. …would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

If it's not Onion-y, it doesn't belong here. Bizarre, horrific, and violent news can be here if the headline reads like something out of The Onion, but if it doesn't, it's going away. And if there's too much non-Onion-like content from an account, that account is going away, too.

If you're not sure whether the real news headline you've found is like The Onion, here's a few sample Onion headlines from today:

  • "Visiting Friend Pleasantly Surprised By City’s Open Hostility Toward Homeless People"
  • "Increasingly Powerful Trans Person Capable Of Using Every Single Bathroom At Once"
  • "Man Feels Like Bystanders Are Arguing For Him To Put Gun Down In Bad Faith"
  • "Wally The Emotional Support Alligator Went To See The Phillies"
  • ‘New York Times’ Issues Apology For Reporting Palestinian Deaths

See? Find headlines from real news outlets that remind you of headlines like those. And just to prove my point: One of them is real.

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‘Boneless’ chicken wings can have bones, the Ohio Supreme Court says

https://www.npr.org/2024/07/25/nx-s1-5052004/boneless-chicken-wings-ohio-supreme-court

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SpaceX employees' work is breaking barriers, while this asshat keeps terrorizing them with his utter gross bullshit

Edit: after reading through the article again, some passages stuck out, like:

Apart from aspiring to become the biological father for his Martian colony, Musk has leveraged many of his own businesses to create a civilization on Mars, including Boring Company tunnels to dig under the planet's surface and a Tesla Cybertruck rugged enough to traverse its mountainous landscapes.

So, take it all with a grain of salt.

*Emphasis mine

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I'm not sure if I should be laughing or crying. Probably both.

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Windows 3.1, launched in 1992, is likely not getting any updates. So, when CrowdStrike pushed the faulty update to all its customers, Southwest wasn’t affected (because it didn’t receive an update to begin with).

Aside from Windows 3.1, Southwest also uses Windows 95 for its staff scheduling system.

One X user suggested that the company switch to Windows XP—it’s also no longer updated, and it can run Windows 3.1 applications via compatibility mode.

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cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ca/post/25269065

As surely as Donald Trump sought to cash in on his various criminal indictments, so the former president turned Republican presidential nominee began to sell merchandise commemorating his attempted assassination in Pennsylvania last weekend.

In Butler county on Saturday, a rooftop gunman wielding an AR-15-style rifle fired shots at the stage. Trump was wounded in one ear. One rally-goer was killed and two injured. The gunman, who was killed by a sniper, was discovered to have had an explosive device in his car.

Despite such traumatic events, 45Footwear, a company which has sold $399 golden Trump-branded sneakers, swiftly offered a new range of high-tops.

Rather more pricey than unofficial assassination merch churned out in China, the $299 white shoes were emblazoned with the US flag, an image of Trump with fist raised and face bloodied and the words “Fight Fight Fight” – his instant reaction to being shot.

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cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/17664620

The leader of a neo-Nazi extremist group based in eastern Europe has been charged with plotting to have an associate dress up as Santa Claus and hand out poisoned candy to Jewish children in New York City to sow terror, prosecutors said Tuesday.

Chkhikvishvili, who has various nicknames including Commander Butcher, allegedly leads the Maniac Murder Cult, which prosecutors said is an international extremist group that adheres to a “neo-Nazi accelerationist ideology and promotes violence and violent acts against racial minorities, the Jewish community and other groups it deems ‘undesirables.’ "

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