No Stupid Questions

Dating through an app is hard. I can't hack it at all. Dating through mutual friends will limit your options, but genuine connections happen much more readily. I've found (what felt like) true love a few times, all from mutual acquaintances. I didn't have a good job, and I'm not even that nice (or "nice") of a guy IMO. I just made normal friends, and dated the people they knew.

You don't need to compete with the whole world of sexy, highly eligible, rich people. You need to be a person with friends, not habitually smell bad, and be capable of genuine human vulnerability. That's literally it.

Hey OP, I hear your frustration. Sometimes, she will simply not be into you like that, and that’s okay. But there are concepts that can significantly improve your dating life if you learn them.

The most important thing is to intentionally be romantic. You have to flirt. The way you describe this interaction doesn’t sound very flirty. She was nice and you had a good conversation? That’s great, but she could probably get a similar experience from a friend.

Flirting is about making things exciting. Taking a risk and making your intentions known is often attractive. Think playful banter. Having a low stakes, interview-style conversation is just boring for most women.

Practical ways to be more flirty:

• choose a venue where you can sit side by side
• maintain great eye contact when she’s talking
• don’t rush to fill every silence, let it breathe
• use statements more, rather than just questions
• respectful and appropriate use of touch
• playfully challenge or disagree with her at times
• humor is great, but don’t constantly joke around

Basically, being a nice guy with a good job is great, and actually a prerequisite for many women to date you. But it’s not inherently sexy. You gotta learn how to embrace your romantic side to show them you’re capable of that, too.

Dating sucks. For every nice person you meet and make a connection of some sort with there’s three or four who drop off the face of the planet. I get it’s easier to just ghost but it’s pretty shitty. (And this is speaking as someone with social anxiety who has definitely ghosted before lol oops)

I have definitely told guys at the end of a date that I "want to see them again" while having no intention of seeing them again. It's a safety thing. IME guys can Jekyll and Hyde pretty hard when being rejected.

I know it can hurt feelings, but when it comes down to it, my safety > your feelings

I met my wife dating online. Before that it was brutal. Lots of ignored messages. Lots of messaging that just ended (often on the woman's end, but sometimes on my end). And plenty of first dates.

When I first started dating I wasn't picky. Basically any girl interested in me, I'd show interest. Eventually I actually applied myself to dating with purpose. This helped a bit as I was often times being the one to make the decision whether or not to even meet up with a woman. I made sure they met my criteria and wanted the same things as I did. And doing this required that I was honest with myself. I didn't want to party, I wanted children, I wanted someone who would challenge me and call me out on my bullshit, but I also needed someone who wasn't overly sensitive as I am often quite blunt and speak without thinking.

Basically I had to shift from wasting my time with anyone to getting right to the point and making sure our values and trajectories in life aligned. This filtered out a lot of women. Either immediately because we didn't want the same things or because they were put off by my directness.

I had a friend who was having problems with dating. Specifically his online dating wasn’t going well, and while he was a super outgoing person, he wasn’t the kind of guy to pickup a woman at a bar. Anyways, I told him to first think of his target demographic. What do they look like? What are their hobbies? What’s traits, characteristics, and thoughts do they have that you look for?

Once you know who you’re after, then write for them. Treat the space on your profile as a sort of open-ended love letter for a fill-in-the-blank style adventure. Maybe even make it an actual fill-in-the-blank as a sort of cool way for them to have interaction with the profile.

Another point is Algorithms, algorithms, algorithms! People forget that algorithms run our lives from HR filtering applications, to online dating. Have engagement on the site. Specifically by updating your profile regularly. That keeps the pictures fresh, the content current, and feeds the algorithm to boost you to the top.

Maintaining a relationship is always the fun and easier part, IMO. I’ve always told friends and family that relationships aren’t hard work with the correct partner. If someone ghosts you, it means they aren’t right for you, or it isn’t the time for them. As well, focus on keeping engagement with that person active. Just like algorithms on websites people love someone who is constantly updating, and staying current. It doesn’t have to be exhausting, but it does require some effort on your part.

Lastly what helped my friend the most was when I told him to scale back the nerd. To include it as part of your hobbies and a single picture, but having multiple pictures of you doing the same thing is repetitive, unhelpful, and only tells me one thing about you. Variety is the name of the game.

I wouldn't call it hard per se. I would call most current dating practices a waste of time. It's a lot like playing the lottery, but instead of money, I pay with my time. And even statistically speaking, the odds are quite bad, for both sides. When you have so many choices every choice seems less worth it. When you have too few choices, competition is fierce. I envy neither men nor women in today's scene, and I'd expect it to be much more difficult for the LGBT+ community.

I would say two things to you, not necessarily connected.

One, we think the grass is always greener on the other side. When I look back at my partnered life compared to my single life now, I would say my life now is better. After spending time with myself I was finally able to solve loads of internal issues. Relationships can become a very comfortable state and I definitely let myself go too often. I haven't forgotten that loneliness also occurred while I wasn't single.

Two, you can make no mistakes and still lose. As Picard said it best, that's just life. If life isn't working now, I wouldn't expect a partner to fix it. After the honeymoon phase, we tend to fall back to our old selves. Use this time to get that self in order and perhaps while you do it you find yourself happier regardless of the outcome of life.

Fun fact: being married is also hard lol. Different problems, but problems nonetheless.

Getting ghosted is brutal, but the plus side is you've dodged a bullet in someone that's not ready for a proper relationship.

Do you guys with successful dating experience think it was worth it? I got ghosted only once and it took me quite some time in tinder even to get to that point but after that i gave up on people and i am more focusing on work and my hobby and i think i am quite happy i have much less suicide tougths than in my dating phase.

Well fast forward a week, I keep texting her to set something up, but she’s not responding. I think she’s ghosted me. I mean, that’s fine, but if you don’t want to date me anymore, then just let me know. I will respect your decision.

well... about that. it might not be, but it also might just be that's her general way of breaking things off. There's a truly shocking number of guys that don't respond well to rejection and get all crazy. It may not be a you-thing, just a past experiences thing. She has no way of knowing, really, how you will behave until it happens.

Hey, it's not your fault.

If you are a guy, and you don't look like Brad Pitt, online dating is depressing. If you happen to look like Brad Pitt, it can still be pretty hard.

That's just how it is structured. People approach online dating looking for short term distractions. Try setting up a profile saying something like 'I am looking for someone who is willing to put in the hardwork through all the arguments and the compromises and adjustments we will need to make a marriage work' and see how much success you have.

You could be doing everything right and you still will end up getting matched with a lot of people who might not be as serious as you might be about it. That's just how online dating works.

IMO you should aspire to be the kind of person you'd want to date. It probably would improve your chances but even if it doesn't you'd at least be more happy with yourself and you can flourish in independence.

Only "sometimes"? I think it's more like "always".

What do you mean when you say you keep texting her but she's not responding?

do you think dating is hard sometimes?

No.

I think it's hard all the time. But I am aromantic, pansexual, have ADHD and may also be on the spectrum. I have a hard time in general when it comes to dealing with other human beings, and an even harder time in more intimate relationships.

Trying to meet women (not exclusively dating, trying to find friends as well) I'm proper confused. I don't get their clues (positive or negative) and I'm stumbling from one misunderstanding to the next. That's like... really hard!

Dating is one of the hardest things tbh, I met my girlfriend two years ago just from pure chance but generally dating from apps is a mixed bag and I’ve found best results from just meeting people out in my daily life

Tinder ruined dating. It’s made interactions very transactional.

Dating sucks, but you don't! 😁👍

I hate that this is the world waiting for me

I think it's pretty standard protocol for most women to say the date went well and they would like to meet up again when still face-to-face with the guy they're on the date with.
Minimise the risk of becoming a statistic, and all that.

For messaging with dates, I generally say 2 texts then let them respond (and that's not messages like "hey" "u up?" "Are you there??" But like actual content that they can engage with).

If they don't get back to you, don't take it personally. Just forget and move on.

I keep texting her

There's your problem. Women can smell desperation.

Don’t be too hard on yourself as there are a range of factors which come into play.

The very advantage of a dating app also happens to be its biggest problem which happens to be the option of having many to choose from. You’re not only competing for her attention but also against thousands of other guys in the same pool as you (based on your location/age etc).

All you can do is control your outlook here. There could be plenty more rejections down the road but do not let these instances downgrade your self-worth. Hope you find someone who likes you for who you are.