this post was submitted on 01 Nov 2024
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33
A Social Etiquette Question (self.asklemmy)
submitted 3 weeks ago by dohpaz42 to c/asklemmy
24 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

Alright, so my son is friends with a kid at his school, and through this I met his mother. She is a nice woman, who is attractive and friendly. What I do know about her is that she and her husband are separated and/or divorced. I do not know if she is seeing anybody.

I have an unsuccessful history of assuming things with women who are nice to me; i.e., I often confuse being nice with them showing a romantic interest, and that not being the case. Given that my son and her son are best friends, I do not want to make this mistake and make things awkward for anybody. Given my unsuccessful history of reading social cues, I want to be careful in how I interact with her.

I feel like I have three choices right now: I could continue my current course of action, and interact with her when my son and her son get together; I could text her and try to strike up a conversation out of the blue; or I could add her as a Facebook friend and from that angle try to strike up conversation.

I don’t necessarily want to go the “do nothing and hope it works out” approach, but I am not sure if I would make her uncomfortable by being too direct. I’m kind of leaning toward the Facebook option, but I am curious if I should ask her if she’s ok with me requesting to be her friend (and possibly sparking a conversation that way, but letting her know it’s okay to say no if she’s not comfortable with it).

And before anybody says it, yes I’m aware I’m probably overthinking it. 😊

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[–] Volkditty 40 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

I feel like "don't try to get with your kid's best friend's mom" is also an option that should be on the table.

That said, don't go the Facebook friend route. The intent is too ambiguous and doesn't get you any closer to your goal. I'd favor either the direct approach (the classic, "would you like to go out for a drink sometime?") or tie it to an activity you'd both be doing already anyway ("My son and I are going out for pizza after the t-ball game, would you and your son like to join us?" (I don't know how old your kids are)).

[–] dohpaz42 3 points 3 weeks ago

Thank you. I have considered the option you suggested. That’s mainly why I am wanting to be careful about this. I did take your suggestion about inviting her and her son to an activity with my kids. We’ll see how that goes.

[–] [email protected] 28 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

I don't think social media works well for these kinda things, but you could pick an activity you think she and her kid would enjoy and invite her out. Something casual like a museum or park. Take the temperature there and see how things feel.

My adage with dating is to err on the side of gaining a new friend as your goal. Then the worst outcome is you get a new friend.

[–] Diplomjodler3 8 points 3 weeks ago

That's an excellent idea. "Fun activity for the kids" is a great way to get the ball rolling. If the ball doesn't get rolling, you'll still have a pleasant afternoon and it won't be awkward.

[–] UmeU 22 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Do nothing / don’t show any romantic interest.

Get to know her better as a friend. If she becomes interested or is interested in anything more, believe me you will know.

Seriously, just forget about any romantic possibility. If she is interested then she will make it happen… otherwise you will just ruin your son’s friendship for no reason.

[–] dohpaz42 11 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

You and others are right. I shouldn’t be considering my desires above my son’s needs. That’s really all that matters.

[–] UmeU 4 points 3 weeks ago

Glad you are on the right page. Rest assured that if the right woman is to come along, 99.9% chance is that it will come about naturally. You won’t need to think about it and you won’t need to pursue it.

[–] paddirn 9 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) (2 children)

I think there's a leap here that you're not explaining or that I'm missing from the text. She sounds attractive and friendly, she's apparently "available", but what is prompting you to wonder about a course of action? What's the trigger? Has she already behaved a certain way towards you that's making you question if there might be something "there", like she seems to be extra "nice" to you or whatever? Or are you just wondering in general, "Hey, there's a person I'm attracted to and I want to see if she's interested?" There just seems to be a disconnect in what you wrote and I'm not sure what prompted it to begin with.

To answer the question though, you can certainly try any of the things you talked about, or try to setup a meetup between your kids, but somehow include yourself and her in on the plans (go out to a movie together or some event) and see if she'd want to join you all. Personally, I wouldn't try to force things too far and make it awkward, but if you're trying to gauge interest, you should try to figure out ways to spend time around her or start finding reasons to text to ask about stuff. You also have the issue that should things progress between you two, do things get awkward between your kids anyways, even if you and her hit it off? It could potentially cause friction for them no matter what happens. Relationships are hard no matter what.

[–] dohpaz42 2 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) (2 children)

I did fail to mention that last night, when dropping my son off to trick or treat with her son, she invited me to go with them. I had to decline because I was taking my other son trick or treating elsewhere.

[–] paddirn 3 points 3 weeks ago

That sounds innocent enough that it could go either way. It could easily have been just an innocent thing to have another adult along to hang out with the kids, women tend to not think anything of inviting somebody out to do something like that and don't necessarily have an ulterior motive. It could mean more though, but it doesn't seem like a big enough data point to go off of.

[–] Num10ck 2 points 1 week ago

you declined her social invite, ball is in your court to invite her to something groupwise. if she sees you as a potential something she will ask about you.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 3 weeks ago

Another vote in the camp of "evaluate if there is more than just attractive and friendly before changing dynamics with son's best friend's family".

I sure hope there's more than that. It describes most adults I know, men and women.

[–] Waldowal 6 points 3 weeks ago

Seems like if she's interested, she might invite you in for a drink or coffee next time you drop your kid at their house. If she's too shy, maybe you offer next time she drops her kid at your house. If she stays in her car as little Billy runs up, that's a sign she's not interested (or just busy at that moment).

I also like the idea of offering to take the boys to a movie or something and inviting her. But she may just want to see a movie, so that's not a total green light. If she grabs your dick during the movie though, that's a pretty good sign.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 3 weeks ago

"I think you're pretty. Wanna bang?"

[–] [email protected] 5 points 3 weeks ago

Ask her what her favorite steam locomotive engine is.

Get upset when she gives the wrong answer.

Erupt into a heated diatribe about the necessity of good boiler design and make sure she knows why she isn't allowed to be friends with you.

Yell something unintelligible at her son on the way out.

If she still comes back to you later, then you know you've found a keeper.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Maybe ask about the dad when you next meet up? Should open up the conversation.

[–] Diplomjodler3 7 points 3 weeks ago (3 children)

Or he could just show up at her house, naked and all lubed up. Outcome would probably be about the same.

[–] Alexstarfire 3 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago)

Ahh, the naked man. Works two out of three times.

[–] dohpaz42 1 points 3 weeks ago

[–] [email protected] 1 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Well don't be blunt about it. You could just ask where the dad works or smth

[–] JoeKrogan 3 points 3 weeks ago

Plot twist .To send the dad flowers at work and ask him out.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 weeks ago

Could ask if she and her son wants to get dinner sometime with you and your son. As long as it's a pretty inoffensive family restaurant, that shouldn't be too forward. From there you can get a better understanding of her situation.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 weeks ago

Meh people are gonna come down on you in this thread for not being some perfect picture of a parent/person, but you are considering things, trying to find the best path to be respectful and decent. It's ok to acknowledge your wishes in a "private" conversation where you weigh the consequences of things.

Imo this is your son's relationship with the friend. Let that run it's course, and just read the signals along the way.