this post was submitted on 22 Mar 2024
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submitted 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) by cetvrti_magi to c/[email protected]
 

It's been around a month since I started questioning my gender. I'm really confused on all of this, seeing a therapist would help but that's not an option for me at the moment (don't want to go into details about that here). Biggest source of confusion for me is the fact that there are some strong signs that I'm trans but at the same time I don't feel like a woman (nor anything othet than a man). Does this happen to trans women before egg crack or any form of transitioning? This question is a huge roadblock for me at the moment in terms of questioning, it feels like I won't get anywhere with this without finding amswer to it. It probably won't be final answer to everything but even if I'm trans transitioning would't be safe for 4-5 years so I have enough time to explore my identity.

Edit: Thank you all for responding, it's really helpful. Now I'm a bit more sure that I'm trans but I'll try to experiment in a safe way until I'm able to talk with therapist about this.

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[–] [email protected] 28 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

I found it very helpful to stop worrying about labels and words. They are nice for getting a feel for the possibilities and to convey ideas to others, but at the end of the day they will always be imprecise and lacking.

Feeling like you don't fit into the gender binary is pretty common among trans people, and plenty of cis people rebel against it as well, so don't worry about whether or not you are an archetypical trans or cis person or whatever.

The only thing you need to ask yourself is "is there some other way of being that would make me happier/more comfortable?"
Maybe you want to change how you dress and present yourself?
Maybe you want to act and carry yourself somewhat differently?
Maybe you want to change your name or your pronouns?
Maybe you want to try makeup, shaving, or doing something dfiferent with your hair?
Maybe you feel your brain would work better with different hormones, or that your body isn't quite to your liking?

For some people mentally exploring their identity is enough.

Try anything you suspect might spark some joy, and don't worry about anything else. I realize not all of these things are equally easy to test out depending on your circumstances :(

Also check out the gender dysphoria bible in the sidebar if you haven't already, It's a very good read.

Best of luck to you on your journey! <3

[–] [email protected] 15 points 3 months ago

I used to feel like a man, but the difference is I felt stuck as a man and fantasizing about being different. That's dysphoria talking.

[–] [email protected] 14 points 3 months ago

It can be really confusing, there is a lot to take in once you start questioning things.

The first thing I’d say is it’s good to question and explore safely but it’s also ok to realise that you’re a man, a woman or somewhere in between. Don’t forget it’s not black and white, you might not feel like a woman but maybe non-binary or demi-boy might fit better.

You say you don’t feel like anything other than a man, so maybe look at why you’re questioning. Writing down a list of things that you think put you into male or female might help clarify things in your mind.

Think about what it would mean to be a woman, the clothes, the social interactions, being called she/her, having a woman’s name. Which if any resonate with you.

Feeling like a woman is such a hard to define thing, I often feel quite masc but I know I’m a woman, wearing women’s clothes and being called she/her just feel better for me.

One other thing to consider is your sexuality, I’m a lesbian so it can also be quite common to like more typically masc things and present a bit more masc. I’m not a butch but I’m definitely not femme either.

I say that because whilst sexuality is different from gender, sometimes it can confuse things. Am I a gay man, femme woman or a butch lesbian for example, so maybe give that some thought too.

The main thing is to give it a good amount of thought and maybe experiment when you can safely with pronouns, names and clothes, but remember that you don’t need to rush, and make sure you do it safely. It sounds like you’re aware of those things but it’s worth just mentioning again.

I was questioning a lot for several years, even into the start of my transition. I’d see a psychologist and think “I don’t need to do more”, I’d get an HRT prescription and think “I don’t need to take them”, start taking them and think “I can stop if I need to”. It allowed me to do it in baby mental steps and still acknowledge to myself that I was still feeling a little unsure.

It took until I was well into my transition and I found a partner who accepts me fully as a woman to really stop questioning and accept who I am.

I hope that this helps a bit and feel free to DM me if you have any specific questions or just want to talk.

[–] [email protected] 13 points 3 months ago (1 children)

I realized I was absolutely trans under a month ago. From the different stories that everyone tells, everyone's experience is different. I'll share a few things that were meaningful to me and how I ended up personally realizing I am trans, but everyone is genuinely a unique person with their own path to find.

For a couple of wonderful general statements that I read elsewhere (recommend the gender dysphoria bible in the sidebar):

People who are completely 100% cis don't usually worry about the idea that they might not be 100% cis. If the idea keeps sticking in your head, it is worth exploring it further.

Being a woman or a man or neither or both or anywhere on any gender spectrum does not require you to do anything. You can be a trans woman, or trans femme enby person, or anything, recognize it, and then do nothing. Sure, it is common for that recognition to spark a desire to change something, but you never have to, and NO step or change is required to be who you are. Try to take the worry over "what it means" out of your analysis, and just ask yourself what feels right. "What it means" is a much longer-term thing to sort through over time, and will likely change over time just like everyone does.

For me, the things that finally tipped me over the edge of realizing my transness about myself were:

  1. The idea that the only meaningful way to identify your gender is completely internal. I was wishing I was a woman extremely often, but thought I couldn't be one because I kept viewing gender as an externally-definable thing, and the limited other trans/female narratives that I had heard were things that I personally had not experienced in my life yet. But it isn't about fitting an external definition of being "trams" or "woman". The external definition is meaningless. The ONLY meaningful way to define your gender is to feel inside yourself, not looking at a list of what makes someone trans.
  2. Eventually I realized that constantly wishing I was a woman IS gender dysphoria, and that I could choose to define myself differently, if I wanted to. That really opened my brain up a crack to the idea. After that...
  3. I read about the null hypotheCis. Taking a step back and weighing the ideas of "I am trans" and "I am cis" with equal possibility, instead of assuming cis was a default and being trans required me to find solid proof. As soon as I tried a thought experiment of flipping it entirely around, to mentally try to find the evidence to prove to myself that I was cis, the whole thing collapsed and I knew that I am not.

Hopefully one of the journeys the community has posted about here will give you a place to start digging at the question until you feel comfortable with your answer. Also, basically everything I said above came from the gender dysphoria bible, so reading that and seeing if it resonates with something inside might be a good place to look - took me a couple of hours ish to read. Best of luck out there, stranger!

[–] cetvrti_magi 2 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

I read Gender dysphoria bible before posting this but it didn't help much. After reading this comment I decided to give another read, more careful this time, and that gave me better understanding of few things. It turned out that I can connect to more things there than I previously tought.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (2 children)

I did invalidate myself a lot before I realized I was trans. Tried very hard to repress, told myself I couldn't be a woman, and just generally tried as hard as I could to deny my thoughts and feelings about my body and gender. But that being said, there's no one easy answer here.

Not "feeling like a woman" can mean a lot of different things. Does that thought occur in relation to your body, to your presentation, to how people speak with you? Gender is an abstract concept, so what "feeling like a woman" means is relative to the speaker and the context of what they're saying. Throughout my childhood, I had recurrent fantasies about becoming or being a girl. When I was little, I used to lay in bed at night daydreaming that I had a magic ring that would turn me into a girl. I would purge myself of those thoughts on a regular basis, especially as I entered adolescence and my voice dropped. I would feel intensely dysphoric and engaged in escapism as often as I could, playing female characters in games, writing about female characters, generally inserting myself as women and girls on books and shows that I wanted to embody.

But all that being said, I would not have said that I felt like a girl or a woman at those times. I felt trapped because I wasn't able to be a girl. I felt deeply uncomfortable with my body and my presentation. But I doubled down, repressed, tried to be masculine, and tried to embrace manhood, as much as that repulsed me. I felt like a woman in the sense that I desired womanhood and a different body. I wanted to be female and embody femininity. But if I was asked, "Right now, do you feel like a woman" I would probably have said no. That question would not have been worthwhile in helping me discover my gender identity. What it really came down to is "If I could be a woman, would I" and "what is my gender identity, does my dysphoria with my body and gender come from a different gender identity". For me, the answer to those questions ultimately saved my life.

But that's just my thoughts on that particular question and my experiences discovering myself. You need to ask yourself for truths about who you are. You need to introspect and see who you actually are, what it is you want. Try presenting differently in a safe way, play an online mmo but go by a woman's name and make friends as a woman. Order new clothes online that you can try on. Ask trusted friends to use a different name or pronouns with you, just to see how you feel. Try makeup or nail polish. Try wearing things you normally wouldn't. Just give yourself space to explore your gender safely. And see how all these things make you feel. Ask yourself if you would want hormones, if you would want to feminize your body. Being a woman isn't the only option either, there's also gender nonconformity and non-binary identities. There's people who are agender. But to find out you have to explore those things.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 3 months ago

Really well written, exactly how I felt, and still feel sometimes.

[–] cetvrti_magi 2 points 2 months ago

I remember having daydreams of becoming a girl at one point too, it was 6-7 years ago when we talked about some LGBTQ stuff in biology class. Similar daydreams started happening around 6 months ago. Before I started questioning I tought it was just my curiosity because I'm very curious person but now it's a major red flag.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 3 months ago (2 children)

confused is normal. Our society makes this into a WAY more complicated and stressful thing than it should be.

Biggest source of confusion for me is the fact that there are some strong signs that I’m trans but at the same time I don’t feel like a woman (nor anything othet than a man).

It's fine to be in the middle. Non-binary is a thing. It's fine to be like "this dangly bit needs to go, but I still feel kinda butch".

Does this happen to trans women before egg crack or any form of transitioning?

Yeah a LOT of transfemmes spend tons of energy going "well, maybe I'm just " and then, eventually, end up going "nah, I was just not ready to accept myself being full-on female"

current day example: F1nnst3r. How many years did they cross-dress while being 100% convinced they were "a guy"? Even if you're not a fan of them, it's amazing to watch their slow, but very public, transformation into accepting their transness. Pretty sure they'll eventually end up at "yeah, I'm a woman" (and a femmy one at that), but like you they're not sure right now.

Again, that's not to say that anyone should feel any less valid if their personal definition of self ends up being somewhere between the two ends of the gender spectrum.

This is going to sound stupid, but bear with me. There are ultra-butch lesbians. There are ultra-femme lesbians. There are even some ultra-butch straight women. None of them are any more or less "woman".

Now, note that I didn't specify trans or cis. You probably assumed I meant cis. Take a moment to ponder why. It's 100% irrelevant to those statements, and yet, we're dealing with so much societal BS around gender that basically everyone's going to default to assuming "cis" until they've been simmering in "funky gender stew" for a while. ;)

Our society doesn't like trans folks because they break the default mold. It breaks their effing brains when after transition you aren't shoving yourself into that mold on the opposite side. So, part of your figuring out what your gender is, is learning to see that 💩 and stop letting it tell you what you "should" be.

Personally, I've found peace being the tomboy / butch lesbian I've always felt like. It took a long time to stop thinking i had to be femme despite it not feeling right. I don't pass well, but I'm happy inside, and I have friends who love me, and that's what matters.

--

Side note: it sounds like you may be under 18. If so, or even if you're very close, I can not emphasize how important it is to do everything in your power to get puberty blockers and/or anti-androgens. Testosterone will absolutely brutalize your body in ways that you will be paying for emotionally and financially for years. I'm guessing it's probably started as it's pretty normal to start pondering gender and sexuality when puberty hits. You don't need to go full HRT, but give yourself the the option to stay as physically femmy as possible until you decide which way you're going. You can always unblock the testosterone later and let it start having its way with your bones and hair. ;)

I'd caution against black-market hormones right now. There are way too many anti-trans folks who have absolutely no morals and are willing to give you terrible things that will hurt you.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 3 months ago

"The dangly bit needs to go" is very accurate. Bulky and hairy little blob of flesh, that thing. Can't even sit comfortably without it making its presence known.

[–] cetvrti_magi 2 points 2 months ago

I'm already 18 and puberty pretty much ended for me (it started very early for some reason). Anyway, this was really helpful comment, thanks.

[–] A_Very_Big_Fan 9 points 3 months ago

I never really "felt like a woman" either, honestly. And most of the time I still don't.

I always thought "feeling like a woman" was something that you'd just feel all the time. I don't think that's the case, though. We're all just humans first and foremost, and that's what we should expect to feel like most of the time.

What helped me through my confusion was realizing that it's less about how you feel and more about how certain things make you feel. It's about what makes you happy and what gives you confidence. What gives me confidence is having my hair done up and wearing more feminine clothes/accessories. Or less obvious things like my handwriting being more feminine, playing as a girl in videogames, or having my bed full of Squishmallows and having more colorful blankets.

It's not a passive feeling. And I never felt that way very often because I dressed and acted the way I was raised to believe I should dress and act. So I guess my advice is to just try new things and seeing how you feel about them.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 3 months ago

Currently going through this as well, it kind of feels like you're losing who you were before finding who you are, right? Whenever I question it I think back to what made me realize/question things in the first place and hold onto the flashes of my female self that I occasionally see in the mirror. Change comes slow, and personally I never really felt attached to my gender my entire life and honestly it's been difficult to start feeling it now. Just keep in mind you don't have to have it all sorted out now, your understanding and feelings about yourself can and will change and that's ok!

[–] [email protected] 5 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

I've started curating a list of things I like (and have thought hard about if I actually like or just accept/am content with) about myself, and things I dislike. I find it's helping collect my thoughts and affirm things, and (I hope) give me a solid starting point with a therapist eventually (probably overkill for that purpose but overexplaining is something ELSE to discuss with a therapist lol).

  • Things like:

Appearance

Apparel

Voice

Comfort vs discomfort

Behavior

Desires

  • How I would like to shape myself

Things I want to change

Things to keep the same

Things I like about others

Things I DON'T like about others