this post was submitted on 09 Feb 2024
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ADHD

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ADHD imposter syndrome at work (lemmy.dbzer0.com)
submitted 10 months ago by [email protected] to c/adhd
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Does anyone else feel a degree of imposter syndrome with work, like it's only matter of time until you can't work around your ADHD enough to avoid problems and everything falls apart?

I'm currently provisionally diagnosed with ADHD, pending further testing. I managed to get a degree and was working for a few years when someone recommended I get tested where I proceeded to finally pass this one test with flying colors...

My experience with work is that in the beginning, my attitude and enthusiasm to learn tends to give my bosses the impression that I have so much potential.

Then, cue the slow car crash that is me failing to meet that potential, then the cracks starting to show due to disorganisstion or task paralysis in my work, eventually putting me in a position where my competency is questioned and I'm falling behind on work because I'm struggling to meet (imo) great expectations that might seem realistic to neurotypical people, but is a struggle for me.

Then I jump ship to a new job, and the cycle restarts.

I thought I had a handle on my latest job. Stayed for just over a year. I thought this was it, I wasn't an imposter, I was finally fitting in. Then cracks, and everything fell apart and I'm now at risk of losing my job again. I tried my best, and I just feel disappointed in myself, like even I can't trust myself to do things right even at max effort.

This sucks.

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[–] Rhynoplaz 46 points 10 months ago (1 children)

I could have written this. It sums up my work experience exactly.

You recognize your flaws and mistakes, but here's a likely one you're forgetting. We tend to take mistakes VERY seriously. At least for me, I could watch 10 people make major mistakes, and be very understanding. I'd be like, that's ok, it happens. We can work around it. But if I forget a minor detail, I'm going to be beating myself up for the few days, and worry how much longer until I get fired.

Just yesterday I found out that I had opened an email, got distracted and never replied or took action and it caused a problem for another dept. Ruined my night, but I'm going to remember this post and go in to work today and not let that hang over my head.

Best wishes to you!

[–] [email protected] 3 points 10 months ago

This exact thing has bitten me so many times!!

I'll open an email, maybe not pick up on the need to action (especially if multiple people are required to action on things), and then my boss gets to hear about my lack of follow up.

I've tried to keep a list, like I'm working on individual work tickets which has helped, but even then I still miss a couple of items.

[–] [email protected] 18 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago)

Kind of the same, but at this point I just utterly reject the notion of everyone having to function as a perfect cogwheel in the system. I have no trouble with my "underperforming" at all, even though it's likely still happening.

Let them fire me if they want. I'll likely find a new job, and if I don't, at least in my country there are social safety nets. I'm just so over it.

I really feel for people that aren't safe from starvation or similar, I'm glad I'm so privileged.

[–] [email protected] 13 points 10 months ago (1 children)

I’ve been a dev professionally since around 2005 and started writing my first bits of code around 2001. Was diagnosed in the 90s with ADHD. Took meds for a little while as a kid, but nothing worked for me, so I went unmedicated until about a year ago.

I deal with the same thing as you, even now in my 40s. Got laid off for 3 months and that absolutely wrecked what remaining confidence I had left. Finally landed something but haven’t felt the same since, and that’s on top of already struggling daily to not feel like a useless idiot.

To make matters worse, I was recently told that I need to “iterate faster”. Small things like that will take weeks of feeling good about progress, and throw it straight into the trash. When you get no real wins, everything feels like one big endless loss.

If you can at least get a non-stimulant, that has worked for me. My focus has gotten better and helps me temporarily silence the demons. Also, what you note about starting strong and enthusiastic, only to end up bored and wrecking it all… that’s very much an ADHD thing. With the way our brains are wired, interest in what we’re doing is a requirement. If that’s lacking, our ability to follow through and stay consistent goes out the window no matter how hard we try. I’ve been waffling on my career for a few years now because of it. Swaying between finding shreds of it interesting, but also entertaining the idea of leaving dev altogether.

Good luck! All I can recommend is try to get meds and take them consistently; go to the gym and focus on outside interests; try not to make work the center of your world.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 10 months ago (1 children)

On hindsight, I do feel a bit silly about being so upset over a job. I left my previous because the workload escalated to too much, but in the current I was trying to stay, but I've made mistakes that have impacted business, according to my boss. I really liked the culture, but I think the writing is on the wall now.

In my performance management document, it was just hard to read about the "obvious lack of care" and "lack of proactivity and initiative". I feel like I'm always struggling to keep my work in a row, to where I'm just tired and don't have the energy to really ideate or something.

I've been started on some non-stimulants, but the psychiatrist said it might take a while to take effect. I'll probably be more diligent on following up there as well to try and get myself together a bit more. I also do go to the gym about once a week.

It's hard sometimes to see things not work out/fall apart, and the main common denominator is yourself.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago)

It’s hard for us to not care about our jobs because we automatically invest so much in them emotionally, and capitalism forces our employment to be at the center of our lives constantly. If you started coding as a hobby and turned it into a career, that also adds a layer of investment too. I had an awesome manager once that used to say “we’re not saving babies here”.

When I started a non-stim, it took a little while to be effective. You might have some slight side effects too, but they were fairly minor for me and didn’t last long. Just stick with the meds and make sure to take them consistently (and with food). The gym is great too. I just started going again officially myself (I workout at home and have a cardio regimen every week already) and it helps a ton. Boosts your endorphins and confidence instantly.

I always try to remind myself that if I’m not functioning well, no one is getting anything out of me. We have to focus on ourselves and everything else will eventually come with it.

[–] [email protected] 12 points 10 months ago (1 children)

i've been here at my job for almost six years and the only way to defeat my imposter syndrome was to recognize that all my job really asks of me is to

  1. be here (i am here ✅)
  2. have a pulse (just checked, have a pulse ✅)
  3. answer phone when it rings (when it rang, i answered it ✅)

all the stuff i know about my industry stopped seeming like it was worth a damn once i knew it
after all - i'm worthless so anything i know is worthless too right? 🙃

they literally called me in to work overtime tonight,
who the fuck am i to challenge their judgment?
how fucking dare i even dream of possessing the hubris to question their willingness to pay me?

it's basically a form of radical acceptance.

[–] MotoAsh 0 points 10 months ago

Sounds more like self deprecation/subjugation.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 10 months ago (1 children)

I wish i could offer you more than "same, brother" but it's all i have

[–] [email protected] 3 points 10 months ago

I'll take that, brother.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago) (1 children)

Then I jump ship to a new job, and the cycle restarts

I won't pretend to know your situation, but the way you talk about the cracks forming sounds a bit like you also have an anxiety problem. You jumped ship, you didn't get fired. I get the feeling that you quit because you felt like you disappointed them.

My friend, you got a degree. You made it through the gauntlet, regardless of how you did it or whether or not you feel like you deserve it. You did it. You are worthy.

The best thing about starting new is that you now have the experience to know what made you fail last time, without the pressure of the people who saw it happen.

It's not going to be easy, but you can do it. You're no more an imposter than the rest of us. There are many more people than you think who just wing it. The most important thing is that you get back up and try again.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Thanks for the encouragement. I've been put on performance for a while at work and despite my best efforts the situation isn't improving. I've only got a few more weeks before basically guaranteed termination.

I definitely did have a moment recently where I found a mistake in something I made a point to go through with a fine tooth comb when I did it, and I was so horribly disappointed in myself I wanted to cry and resign because I tried so damned hard, but I still screwed it up.

And you are right about gaining experience and starting afresh. I hope that as I go along I'll just gain more experience and be better at my job until I can work and meet expectations, like the average neurotypical person.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Keep your head up. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. And don't forget to forgive yourself. Things will get better.

Reach out if you need someone to talk to. I have ADD, which is significantly less intense than adhd, but my wife has adhd pretty bad so I do get it from an outside perspective.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 10 months ago (1 children)

I appreciate it. I have inattentive type ADHD (also, I think ADD is now nested under the ADHD umbrella), based on what I've experienced so far.

I'm not sure where I fall on the severity scale, to be honest. On one hand, I made it out of education with a 2nd upper class degree in humanities.

On the other, I can't drive long distances (1h+) unsupervised and unmedicated because there's a significant risk that I'll just shut down in the driver's seat and crash my car, even if I'm smacking my face and trying everything to maintain wakefulness. I can't help it, and thankfully so far it's only happened when I've been able to pull over and swap drivers or rest.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 10 months ago

Admittedly, I was diagnosed as a kid. I have functioned with it ever since, so I don't know what it might be classified as these days.

I don't know any better, but it sounds like you have a problem with long stretches of doing the same thing. My wife goes through that. Luckily, she has a job where she has the agency to stop what she's doing for the time as long as it gets done within a deadline. And that's exactly how she handles that. She can't grind out work all in one sitting.

The driving part sucks though. I do all of our long driving so she doesn't have to, but I definitely see how that's a big problem.

[–] Kyrgizion 6 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Every single day I think "today they'll finally realize what a hack I am" and that it's just a matter of time before an astute boss finally recogizes that I'm wasting the company's time and money.

Been there for 9 years now, but the feeling never, ever goes away. I doubt it's impostor syndrome . I'm pretty sure it's good ol' incompetence in my case.

[–] Acamon 6 points 10 months ago

Yeah, I feel weird about "imposter syndrome" cause sometimes I know I'm genuinely doing a bad job, forgetting important things, or fucking soemthing up and causing me / others a bunch of stress. But I'm also aware that there are somethings I do well, that not everyone else does, but because they're easy for me I don't value them as much as the things I wanted to do right but screwed up anyway.

Something that sometimes helps, and sometimes just disturbs me, is that I think about all my colleagues who are (mostly) "neurotypical" and how often they make stupid mistakes and fuck ups because they are old and computer illiterate, busy with other commitments, slow, or just apathetic. When I spend four hours getting angry at myself until I can manage to finally spend 5 minutes to send an important but straightforward email... Well, it's obvious that I'm useless / terrible. But what the hell are all these other supposedly competent people doing? Because often they're as behind with things as I am. Or doing shit job of a presentation because they can't be bothered rather than because they only have twenty minutes left before the big meeting.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 10 months ago (1 children)

It's pure neuroticism. Ask yourself objectively if there's any such thing as this kind of "imposter." That doesn't exist. You have a job, and you try to do it. You'll make mistakes and you'll learn from them. Dwelling on these thoughts and feelings is the real waste of time, the real weakness.

Some of these fundamental attributes are always going to trip you up. I don't have a solution. But you obviously have to relax and focus on always improving. Just like anybody else. Dwelling on "imposter syndrome" is just adding a new obstacle.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 10 months ago (2 children)

Hm, it feels like I'm always expecting the other shoe to drop, for the inevitable collapse to happen. I'm always scared of that, and so far, despite best efforts, it's been true.

I usually reach a point where I'm struggling to deliver even a "reasonable" workload in possibly some form of burnout, and then mistakes happen, and bosses start to side eye me. My lack of ability to notice detail at times also doesn't help, even if I do double back to check.

But I'm still early in my career, so I am learning, developing new coping skills and moving on to do better (I hope).

[–] [email protected] 3 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago) (1 children)

I just want to chime in real quick, with something that's not quite helpful (at least at first). Your fear is actually affecting your behavior towards others in your company, like your bosses. Of course I don't know your situation, but it's pretty likely that if you'd just confidently do everything the same as you're doing now performance-wise, acting as if the mistakes are not a big deal and you just fix them, you'd have absolutely no problems right now.

This is not helpful in the sense that it adds another thing to worry about, but for me it was very helpful in the sense that I could actually forget about my performance and not worry about it anymore, and replace it with that other thing. And once I had figured out how to act confident in face of my mistakes, even that went away.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 10 months ago

This is not helpful in the sense that it adds another thing to worry about, but for me it was very helpful in the sense that I could actually forget about my performance and not worry about it anymore, and replace it with that other thing. And once I had figured out how to act confident in face of my mistakes, even that went away.

I can confirm this works too! Fake it till you make it really does work because it is basically practice.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago)

I work in IT, specifically desktop support. Over the last decade I’ve moved up into management and I’ve always had that feeling of things are going to fall to the ground any minute now. Everything is overwhelming and how can I possibly keep up. I just need to work faster. I decided to get tested when I moved into management and it got even harder to keep track of everything. I was diagnosed with combined adhd as well as moderate depression and anxiety maybe 6 months after that.

The thing that helped me most with getting a handle on my job has been medication, especially adderall/vyvanse (I like adderall better, but this ongoing shortage sucks). It can still be hard to concentrate, but I have a much easier time figuring out what needs to be done and being able to concentrate on that and somewhat ignore all the millions of other things that I need to pay attention to.

As long as you expect yourself to fail, it’ll eventually happen. Even if you’re doing a perfect job, you’ll burn yourself out with the stress of feeling like you’ll eventually fail. One thing that could help, if you don’t already, keep a task list as well. Even if it’s reminders of the things you need to do. I’ve found having that has helped me remember the next day or even later that same day the things I need to do.

What do you need to do to get from a provisional ADHD diagnosis to a full one? And have you mentioned to your doctor the anxiety you have for work?

[–] JustZ 4 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago)

I just made another post that you may relate too that I think you'll find encouraging. https://lemmy.world/comment/7364148

You're going to figure out how to feel whole.

Start with positive affirmations in the morning, twenty to thirty minutes. I guarantee within three days you will notice your brain thinking more positively. That's the key. And then, repetition, until it just becomes natural. You know you are smart. You know you are ambitious. You know you have conquered fears before.

Exercise is key too. Doesn't have to be long. Even if it's five minutes of full on cardio to get your heart beat racing. It's not to lose weight or even for your heart, it's strictly to clear stress hormones from your body, and it will clear up your thoughts processes.

[–] monkeyman512 3 points 10 months ago (1 children)

If you trust your boss enough, I recommend having an honest conversation about the diagnosis and it's implications. Keep in mind ADHD is not all downsides. It really comes down to understanding your strengths and weaknesses. Then making a plan to maximize the strength and compensate for the weakness. Again, if you trust your boss enough to want to help you grow this is probably the best path. Heck, you may not be doing as badly as YOU think you are doing.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 10 months ago (1 children)

I'm sort of on my last legs at this current job due to an accumulation of mistakes that could be attributed to ADHD behaviour. I hate using it as an excuse, but it colors so much of my behaviour. I don't ever mean to make mistakes, and so much of them at that...

I have disclosed up my diagnosis to my boss to really try and improve my performance and work within my actual ability, and wrote my boss an email asking for accommodations. The follow up call was basically "You need to focus to do your job here" and "I understand you have been diagnosed, but this should not hinder your ability to do your job".

I've been asked to submit my request for accommodations in writing, so it's not like they're completely against it. But I don't trust that they actually understand the impact ADHD has always had on my ability to perform consistently at work and will be understanding of any missteps, even though I am trying to actively prove that I'm trying with medication and coping mechanisms.

I do have upsides. I work very well in crisis and urgent situations, though the sustained elevated stress leaves much to be desired.

[–] monkeyman512 1 points 10 months ago

That doesn't sound like a great boss. But it sounds like are really trying to make things work, and I can appreciate the effort your making.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 10 months ago

Here's the thing though, you can't avoid making mistakes. Absolutely no one can.
People demanding perfection are at fault, whether it's your bosses or yourself. The correct answer is to tell them to STFU and go on with your day.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 10 months ago (2 children)

Everyone is just playing a role while at work. Humans are more than their function in a business or society.

If you're in the US, I'm pretty sure they can't fire you because of ADHD related causes. They can come up with other reasons, but your neurodivergence is a recognized medical condition.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 10 months ago

Unfortunately, I'm not in the US and there are exactly 0 protections against ADHD, so me getting canned for underperformance, even if it's associated to ADHD is fully legal. But I still appreciate your input here.

[–] Tedrow 2 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago)

Unfortunately in most states in the US they can fire you without giving a cause.