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Where do I look when seated at a restaurant to seem normal? (self.asklemmy)

submitted 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) by _number8_ to c/asklemmy

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(when seated in a group with others, i should clarify. if i'm by myself i'm absolutely happy to be on my phone or book)

i genuinely have an issue. it's like....there's people on all sides. i need to rest my eyes somewhere, esp in a social setting which is already inherently a bit wearing

if you look down at your food, you look sad or disinterested or whatever
if you look at the ceiling that's insane, isn't it?

so that's down and up out. let's look at:

the sides, which have people there or nearly there, or obscuring the view of a nice window or painting, and you can't stare at people.

fuck fuck fuck. what about:

the center. oh no. this is the nightmare zone. let's break it down into 3 sections: the top contains their face, that's quite insane to look at. downwards, the table across from you with their food, that could seem like you're looking at their body very intently, can't do that. the middle? if it's a woman, then that's very much bad form. but if you're a guy generally attracted to women, part of your brain wants to look no matter what, at least a little. and since when you're sitting, forward is the most natural direction to look (you can't really turn around or move, particularly), so you keep coming back to it and AHH FUCK

fucking nightmare.

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[–] [email protected] 3 points 6 months ago

I am an autistic person so this is hard-won knowledge and you should take it seriously.

Look at whoever is speaking to you. Also, contribute to the conversation.

If you sit there in a group and you never speak or engage with the conversation, there is nowhere you can put your eyes to prevent awkwardness.

If eye contact is hard for you, suck it up and practice.

Human culture does not give you a pass just because socializing is hard for you. What is expected is that you make the effort even when it is painful and difficult. That effort is appreciated by those around you, far more than fluidity of interaction.

People like fluidity because it is a marker that someone has put in the work. The work is the important thing. Making an effort is a signal of devotion to the group.

That’s why special occasions call for high-effort clothing. That’s why neckties are a thing. The effort is the signal.

If you do not send the signal that you are making the effort, it will be awkward, people will resent you, and your life will be much harder.

Eyeball direction is not enough, sorry.