Ask Lemmy

I have been married twice.

My first wife was a tough woman from the "wrong side of the tracks." Raised in West Virginia poverty, she was far too ambitious and smart to stay there. We got married young (20/18), but despite the odds, we made it work for 25 years. We were young, inexperienced, a long-distance relationship way before public Internet or cheap cell phones (1980s). It should have failed. But we worked hard at the relationship. It wasn't perfect, it was unstable and wobbly at times, but we made it work for 25 years before she passed away from a genetic autoimmune lung disease (sarcoidosis). We have one son, now grown, and living with my sister in upstate New York.

My second wife is also a badass: former military sergeant, a seamstress post-DD214, and an engineer. Also a widow, our dating and choice to marry was a lot easier because we had good marriages beforehand, and we knew how to be a good partner.

When I remarried, I was not looking for my first wife "version 2.0." There were a lot of differences.

Because we married so young, my first wife and I grew into "older teenagers." It was hard to describe, but we suffered a LOT in our marriage compared to many: poverty, illness, stress, and hardship. We became "foxhole buddies," like us vs. the world. We worked hard as a team, but emotionally we were kind of immature in other ways because we both had terrible upbringing, and couldn't catch a break for a long time. She didn't clean, hated housework, and didn't understand money at all. She was an amazing, organized, and natural leader, but suffered dark mood swings and sometimes it took a lot of patience on my part to weather the storms. I mean, she was never abusive, and very supporting most of the time, but she suffered demons from her past that left her mentally stunted in many ways.

My second wife is very nerdy and neurodivergent. My first wife was scared of looking foolish. My second wife doesn't like drinking, and when my first wife was healthy enough, could drink anyone under the table and come back up for more. My first wife is an ivory redhead from German/Irish background, whereas my first was a darker, curly-haired woman who was half Romani. My first would take charge, my my second prefers me to take charge. My first suffered dark mood swings, and my second does not really have any mood swings other than occasional bitchiness. My first could be in the sun all day and never tan, my second is like a fork in the microwave and avoids the sun at all costs.

Make no mistake, I miss my first wife. My second wife misses her former husband as well. It helped that we are both widowed, because we understand that just because our former partners passed away doesn't mean that they should be forgotten. One of my friends has been widowed twice, and married three times (she lost the first to heart disease, second to cancer). She told me, before I started dating again, that her husband "wasn't a position to fill," but a partner. First it was Ted and Liz, then it was Liz and Doug. Now it's Liz and Tim. None of them "replaced" anyone.

And this helped me find a partner who was right for me as a man in my late 40s (now mid 50s). While we did know one another back in the 80s, we never connected except as friendly people at various events. Both of us were different people back then, and would not have been compatible. My first helped me mature, and my second's husband helped her calm down. We are compatible NOW because of our life experience.